An Eventful Year - Revelation and the Lord's Timing

I don't usually post "Year in Review" type blog posts. However, I was reading my New Years' post from 2012 in which I wrote that 2011 and been "the best of times and the worst of times". Perhaps that statement could sum up life in general, because 2013 definitely fits that same description.

I'm sure you have all been missing me, dear readers. And I just want to warn you that this is not me "coming back" really. I hope to be back eventually, and I imagine the summers will be better, but life has thrown me a few curve balls.

In 2013, I had five major life events: birth of a child, starting school, divorce, new job, and remarriage.

Birth of a Child

There are so many thoughts and feeling that are rushing around inside of me about the birth of my second son. His birth was amazing and spiritual and perfect and wonderful and everything I wanted it to be.Heather, from Women in the Scriptures, was my doula - and she was an amazing doula. She will deny it up and down, but I regard Heather as a spiritual giant. I feel like the labor and delivery went so well because she was there, with her faith and her knowledge and her testimony, I could just feel the power of God around me and with me. And if not from Heather, then from what she has taught me about the priesthood and womanhood and motherhood through the past several years, both on her blog and in personal conversations. She is an amazing woman.

Starting School

I felt inspired this year that I should go back to school to finish the few courses I need to qualify for a teaching license. Although I have a bachelor's degree in Math, I don't have a teaching license, and I had been feeling something nagging at me to get my license and teach. Because I was married to a soldier I didn't know how much time I would have in any one place, so I figured that I needed my education to be as portable as possible. So in May I applied to an online university to finish my teacher prep courses. Because of the next major life event, I am so grateful that I listened to the prompting to go back to school and prepare to be a teacher.

Getting a Divorce

This is probably the longest story, and I am not going to tell it all right here, right now (but you can read my emotions about a lot of it in my previous posts about my faith crumbling through adversity and trials). Suffice it to say that when I was scared to death (literally) of leaving my marriage, when I thought it would be better to be dead that divorced, when I argued with Heavenly Father, wondering why He would ask me to do something I knew was against His plan, when my faith seemed to be threadbare, something happened. I got strength from a place I had forgotten about, and somehow, I got out.

And there I was, hurting, broken, but feeling like I had burst out of a dark prison.

I felt like my life had crumbled around me, but God gave me a vision of what my new life could be if I would just cling to Him. And that is what I have been doing.

Starting a New Job

Due to the previous major life event, I needed to get a job so I could provide for my family. I submitted applications for a job on Monday in between filling out divorce papers. I filed for divorce on Tuesday, interviewed for a job on Friday, and was offered the job on Tuesday of the next week. A full time job teaching math at a middle school in a nice neighborhood about 10 minutes from my house. My good friend was looking for a job and is a fantastic mother and I asked and she offered to be our day care practically at the same moment. It was meant to be.

However, my first paycheck wasn't going to come until late September. Because I had started school I had just received some student loan funds. Between the student loans and my amazing ward I was able to make it to September with money to spare. Heavenly Father is watching out for me.

Getting Remarried
This story is probably longer than the divorce story, but I am pretty sure it can be summed up in two principles: receiving and understanding personal revelation (which I wrote about here) and the Lord's timing is not always our timing - which the Stake President mentioned in that blessing.

Did you know that "in due time" doesn't necessarily mean "in a loooong time"? That's what I thought when the Stake President promised me that I would experience the joy of marriage again and followed that promise up with "in due time" which he repeated! I was thinking "so, I'll get married again in a really really really long time. Imagine my surprise when I met my new husband and three days later Heavenly Father informed me that he would be my new husband. Come to find out "in due time" means "at the appropriate time" - which apparently is 3 months after a divorce (for me). Who knew? It didn't take my husband long to receive the same revelation, so then the only question was "when"? We prayed about it and I felt inspired that we should pick a date and take it to Heavenly Father for approval. We looked at my calendar (being a teacher I don't get a lot of time off work) and picked a date mid-January. After a few days I had a nagging feeling that it wasn't soon enough. So we thought "After Christmas would be great". Nope, wrong again. Finally we picked the day before Thanksgiving (which at this point was about a month away). Yep. It felt right. We talked to my bishop, we talked to my parents, we talked to his parents, we told our kids (six of them altogether!), and it happened! So yeah, it all boils down to receiving and understanding revelation and the Lord's timing is not always our timing.

So now you know where I have been for the last 6-12 months. Going through a painful divorce, starting school and a job, and getting remarried to a wonderful man who loves God with all of his heart, might, mind and strength, with me as a close second.

I hope to be able to write more often, but don't hold your breath. Of course, now that I have "come out" and you all know my little secrets, it will be easier for me to write. I always like being open and "real" on my blog, and I feel like I have been lying the past year or so because my marriage was so awful. So, comment on here and tell me you're still reading and I will try to post more often. If no one cares that I was gone I will probably just post whenever it happens (which might not be very often!).

What lessons did you learn last year?

My Cup Runneth Over

Remember the Lie of Perfection? I read an excellent post about the same principle written by Kathryn over at Daring Young Mom called Drops of Awesome. It was really beautiful. I especially loved her story about walking her son to the bus stop. You’ll have to head over to her blog to read that and more of her Drops of Awesome.

As an object lesson … I gave [each girl] each a small dropper and I put a 2-quart bowl on the table. I told them that throughout the lesson they would get the chance to put drops in the bucket for every Drop of Awesome they could think of that they’d done. I promised them that we would fill the bowl to overflowing by the end of the lesson.

With about 5 minutes to go, we had barely begun to fill the bowl and the girls were looking around at each other nervously. The promised overflow did not look likely. Were they not awesome enough?

At that point, I pulled out a large pitcher labeled ATONEMENT and poured water into the glass bowl until it was spilling out all over the table and the towel the bowl was resting on. The class went silent.

Read the whole post here.

A Heavy Load

I met with the bishop last night. I will be back in a few weeks, and we set up a regular visit every few weeks to help me figure out how to be happy. I’m really grateful for such an amazing bishop. He’s a really good friend of ours as well, and I am confident that between his help and my efforts, if I can muster some motivation, I will be able to heal and work through all that is going on. Bishop said I am suffering from battle fatigue. I think that is a great way to put it.

This week I am going to work at being more motivated. More motivated to pray, study the gospel, take care of myself and the house and the kids.

I’m taking it a step at a time, and if all I can manage one day is feeling motivated enough to do the laundry and play with the kids, well, that’s better than vegging in front of the TV, right?

I prayed earnestly for the first time in a while last night.

It felt good.

I think I’m going to be okay.

Tiffany at an ensign, waving posted this video on her blog today for her 5 things for Friday post. She’s a wise woman. After listening to the acoustic version a few times on my phone I realized that I needed to own this song. This might be my theme song for the next several months. Or maybe just for the rest of my life.

If you had some heartache that made you cry a thousand tears
Then let me tell you now I know just how you feel
And that heavy weight of sorrow that you've carried for so long
Will soon be gone

'Cause I believe that there is something more than I can see
I believe that there is someone holding onto me
Sometimes I won't feel it, but that don't change a thing
'Cause it's by faith that I believe

Thanks, Tiffany – I needed that today.

I write with Real Intent

Behind the scenes for the past several weeks, I have been working with a wonderful group of bloggers getting ready for the launch of a new blog – Real Intent.

Since you are probably a regular reader of my blog, you know that I have been dissatisfied with the gospel conversation lately. It seems that most of the gospel conversation online is critical of the Church, fault-finding, and focused everywhere but on the atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ, and the power that atonement can have in our lives. Unfortunately, a lot of the gospel conversation offline is shallow, often close-minded, and shies away from the hard questions.

Until today, the only place to discuss hard questions and gospel principles in a meaningful way was online in the “bloggernacle” – but finding people asking questions with real intent was hit and miss. Occasionally you could find a good post or two, and frequently there were parts of posts that were faithful and encouraging, but for the most part it seems like the entire world is dissatisfied with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (or, at least, the entire blogging world).

Well, thanks to the amazing hard work and dedication of fellow blogger Bonnie, there is now a place for the hard questions to help us develop our faith, rather than tear it down.

Announcing the new blog, Real Intent –

from the blog:

We, the authors at Real Intent, are interested in promoting a journey of discovery through the experimentation of faith, aiding one another by sharing insights and solutions regarding issues that face individuals, families, and communities in an increasingly divided world.

We hope that you will join in the conversation and help to create a community where we can ask hard questions with real intent, and hopefully find answers and strengthened faith and renewed commitment to the gospel of Jesus Christ.

See you there!

Stand in Holy Places

(find the talk here)

I didn’t get a chance to read this talk this morning, but I was super tired (my wonderful husband surprised me on Saturday with a brand new computer(!) and I spent most of Saturday and Sunday evening trying to get all my photo albums switched over to the new computer) – so I am trying to make up for it now.

I really enjoyed this talk. I am pretty sure that it was one of the first talks our ward Relief Society studied for our Teachings for Our Times lesson.

It’s not hard to see that what President Thomas S. Monson said about the “moral compass of society” is absolutely true.

“Also evolving at a rapid rate has been the moral compass of society. Behaviors which once were considered inappropriate and immoral are now not only tolerated but also viewed by ever so many as acceptable.”

It’s interesting that there are a lot of things that made people uncomfortable decades ago and now are mostly the “norm” – and some of those things are good (interracial marriage, women’s suffrage, etc) and some of those things are bad (views on homosexuality, skewed priorities of mothers, financial miseducation, etc).

“Although the world has changed, the laws of God remain constant.” The bishop of one of my student wards in college drew the two lines as pictured above on a chalkboard during a combined Relief Society and Priesthood meeting. Actually, the first time he drew the lines, the top line ran parallel to the bottom line. He discussed with us how the world’s morality has always been slightly lower than the morality of members of the Church, but how members today are letting their standards fall along with the world – even though our standards are still higher than those of the world. Then he erased the top line and drew a straight line across like the one I have pictured. He then taught us about the constancy of God and how His laws never change, and so our standards should never be lowered. The gap between the standards of the Church and the standards of the world should be growing if the standards of the world are declining.

Most of us probably experience feelings of uncertainty when we think about raising children in today’s society, which is only getting worse and worse. President Monson asks the questions: “Do we wring our hands in despair and wonder how we’ll ever survive in such a world?” His answer is an emphatic “No.” And I echo that sentiment. We have the gospel of Jesus Christ in our lives, and we know how to keep our families safe from the storms of the world. President Monson’s message is that the way to keep our families safe is by maintaining a close relationship with our Father in Heaven.

This is something that I frequently “wring my hands” about teaching my children:

“It may appear to you at times that those out in the world are having much more fun than you are. Some of you may feel restricted by the code of conduct to which we in the Church adhere. My brothers and sisters, I declare to you, however, that there is nothing which can bring more joy into our lives or more peace to our souls than the Spirit which can come to us as we follow the Savior and keep the commandments. That Spirit cannot be present at the kinds of activities in which so much of the world participates.”

I am always concerned that my children will feel this way – that the laws of God are restrictive. I want to teach them that obedience to God’s laws brings “more joy into our lives [and] more peace to our souls”.

Just tonight I had a conversation with my four year old, who is having a really hard time learning how to obey rules. He tells me all the time that he wishes there were “no rules” and that he could just do “whatever [he] want[s]” to do. We talked about how kites fly by being held by a string, and that if we let go of the string, the kite will fall down to the ground. Then we talked about how following God’s rules helps us feel the Spirit and how obeying our parents keeps us safe, and how obeying the rules to a game helps us have more fun.

I hope that bedtime conversation will have an impact on him. I know that just one conversation will not be enough – I will have to show him by my obedience to God’s laws, and other important “rules” and we will talk about this concept frequently. I still can’t help but worry about him.

On a concluding note, I have to say that I wish I could say that “not a day has gone by that I have not communicated with my Father in Heaven through prayer.” I want to make a goal to communicate with my Father in Heaven every day.

How do you keep your family safe in this morally declining world? How often do you communicate with your Heavenly Father?

Their Mother

One of my favorite articles of all time is titled Washing, Weeding, and Worshipping. It is more or less a tribute to a mother who “wove gospel teachings into everyday activities.”

As I re-read this article a few months ago (the first time I read it it was before I had children of my own – I think it was even before I was married or even engaged) I thought “This is how I want my children to think of me when they are older.” And that got me thinking about the kinds of things I want my children to say about me when they are grown. I decided that I would write down a “tribute” to myself written from the eyes of my grown children. I know that sounds a little self-absorbed, but I think of it as writing down a goal of what I want to be. If I can imagine what my children will say about me when they are grown, I will have something to live up to – expectations to live up to.

This past General Conference, as Sister Barbara Thompson spoke about cleaving to covenants, I was gently reminded by the Spirit about this idea to write down what I want my grown children to say about me.

And so here I write what I want my children to say about me when they are grown. This is not a description how I see myself right now – but it is how I would like to be…

Mother
what I want my children to say about me when they are grown

All through my life there have been a few things I know for sure. One of those things is that my mother loves me, and another is that she has a testimony of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

When I would make a mistake, or go down a wrong path, my mother would gently show me the way to go, and hold my hand until I got back on the right path. She taught me how to repent, and she taught me that repentance is not scary, but the joyful way we come back to the Lord when we have made a mistake. I watched her repent. When she would make a mistake, she would admit it, and I could tell that her heart would break a little. But then I would watch her pray to Heavenly Father and I could see her trying to do better afterwards, and the joy you could see on her face was indescribable. She had a way of teaching by example.

She taught me to be a missionary, and to share my testimony. She was always posting videos from the Church on her social networking pages, and always blogging about the gospel and the scriptures. She was fearless in declaring her beliefs, but was respectful of the beliefs of others at the same time. She studied the gospel every day and memorized scriptures. She would always be quoting some scripture or other that applied to our life circumstances at the moment. She truly sought first to obtain the word.

She also had a song for every occasion. More often than not, those songs came from the hymns or from the Children’s Songbook. She was always singing. We loved to sit with her around the piano and sing the hymns. She never pressured us to live the gospel – only invited us. And she made it look like so much fun that we couldn’t help accepting her invitation!

She adored our father. She was always doing nice things for him, and always had something nice to say about him to her friends. She never spoke negatively about father, and as far as we could tell, never though negatively about him either. He was her first priority. Our interjections of “Mamãe!” we frequently met with “I’m talking to your father right now, you’ll have to wait.” She enjoyed being with him and would drop whatever she was doing to greet him when he came in the room, or to listen to what he had to say.

She made life fun. She always had something for us to do, and it was always something fun – even if it was a “chore” – she made it fun for us. She always praised us for a job well done, even if we hadn’t done the job perfectly. She rarely criticized our actions, and was rarely disappointed in us. Whenever we fell short of her expectations for us, she would simply spend more time teaching us, walking beside us, and caring for us as we tried to live the gospel as she taught us.

She taught us how to love others. We learned from her that everyone is a child of God. She wouldn’t let us speak ill of any person, and she herself never spoke ill of anyone. She always found a positive light for every person, every situation, and every action. She taught us not to judge people for their actions, because we can never completely know their heart. She taught us how to serve and take care of those in need. Our home was open to anyone who needed a warm bed, a hearty meal, or simply a family to love them. My mother especially loved children. Any child was as precious as us to her, and she would do anything in her power to help every child have the opportunity to succeed.

She taught us to obey the commandments. Especially the law of the Sabbath and the law of the tithe. But instead of seeing commandments as a chore, mother made them seem exciting to live. We loved finding new ways to worship the Lord each Sunday, and mother let us help choose ways to worship.

Mother taught us to “seek ... out of the best books wisdom.” She always made sure we had books, and would read to us consistently. We loved to gather around mother as she would read to us from the scriptures and from other good books. When we left home, we each had our own collection of good books to take with us. Mother made sure of it.

Mother taught us to be like the Savior because she was like the Savior.

What kinds of things do you want your children to say about you when they are grown? Will they know the Savior better because they saw Him in you? Will they “not doubt their mothers knew” the gospel was true?

Faith

“Faith is to hope for things which are not seen, but which are true, and must be centered in Jesus Christ in order to produce salvation.”
– Bible Dictionary, Faith.

(image credit: Mi9 wallpapers)

I want to understand more about faith. I also want to have more faith. I am always puzzled by the Lord’s declaration “for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove” (Matthew 17:20). Does He mean that we would literally be able to move a mountain? I know that there are figurative mountains that we move every day with our faith. I have a lot of mountains that need moving, and while I’m not perfect at it, I’d say I do a pretty good job of moving them, most of the time. But move a mountain?

 (image credit: donotgiveup.net)

My doubt about the Lord being literal about moving mountains is probably a stumbling block to my faith. I want to believe that I could move a mountain if I had enough faith, but I guess it is the natural man in me that makes that seem impossible.

But with God, all things are possible, right?

So how do I learn to have faith that all things are possible – that I really could move a mountain? I have faith that I can do a lot of thing. Moving a mountain isn’t one of them, and yet the Lord explicitly says that we can move mountains. He did talk in parables a lot, so maybe this was a parable of sorts. Was he speaking literally? Even if he wasn’t speaking literally, couldn’t we still move mountains if we had enough faith?

The Lord has all power, and He has shown us this time and time again. His power is illustrated throughout all four books of scripture, and through a lot more experiences more recently. “The Lord has revealed himself and his perfect character, possessing in their fullness all the attributes of love, knowledge, justice, mercy, unchangeableness, power, and every other needful thing, so as to enable the mind of man to place confidence in him without reservation.” (Bible Dictionary, Faith) And yet, I still have reservations.

“Therefore, blessed are they who humble themselves without being compelled to be humble; or rather, in other words, blessed is he that believeth in the word of God, and is baptized without stubbornness of heart, yea, without being brought to know the word, or even compelled to know, before they will believe.” (Alma 32:16) I know this doesn’t really have anything to do with moving mountains, but this did remind me that the first principle of the gospel is faith , not knowledge. Faith comes first. We don’t have to know very much in order to get baptized, we mostly just need to have faith. That is why we let people get baptized who have only had six lessons from the missionaries. Definitely not enough instruction to have much knowledge of gospel principles, but they have faith, and that is what is important. As they grow in the gospel, they will receive more knowledge.

“Yea, there are many who do say: If thou wilt show unto us a sign from heaven, then we shall know of a surety; then we shall believe.” (Alma 32:17) Am I waiting for some kind of “sign” before I will believe that faith can move mountains? “Is this faith? Behold I say unto you, Nay; for if a man knoweth a thing he hath no cause to believe, for he knoweth it.” (Alma 32:18) If I know that I can move mountains if I have faith, then I don’t really need to have faith that I could move a mountain. So why don’t I move mountains? What would that faith look like? Would I really be having faith in the Savior if I said “I am going to have faith that this mountain will move so that I can move it.” That doesn’t seem to be faith “centered in Jesus Christ.” Why do we need to have faith? “to produce salvation.” We need to have faith so that we can be saved. We don’t have faith so that we can just move big stuff with our faith. Alma clarified this, “therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true.” (Alma 32:21)

I have so much to learn about faith.

What can you teach me about faith? Do you have a hard time believing that faith can move an actual mountain? Do you struggle to have faith about other things? How can we learn more about faith? Where do you study about faith in the scriptures? What words about faith have helped you?

The Miracle of the Atonement

Remember to enter the giveaway of the temple prints!

(find the talk here)

Sometimes we have to get to the depths of despair in order to experience the depths of humility necessary to partake of the atonement. Elder C. Scott Grow said, “We access the Atonement through repentance. When we repent, the Lord allows us to put the mistakes of the past behind us.” But finding our way to repentance is not always easy. Sometimes we have a lot of bitterness and anger and guilt. Finding my way to humility is usually my roadblock to repentance and partaking of the atonement – not only in my own weaknesses, but in my hurt.

“He heals not only the transgressor, but He also heals the innocent who suffer because of those transgressions. As the innocent exercise faith in the Savior and in His Atonement and forgive the transgressor, they too can be healed.” There is something required of us to be healed when we are suffering because of the sins of others – we have to forgive. “The Atonement is available to everyone all the time, no matter how large or small the sin, ‘on conditions of repentance.’” For the one who has been wronged, that repentance comes through forgiving the person we feel has wronged us. “Repent—repent, lest … your sufferings be sore—how sore you know not,how exquisite you know not, yea, how hard to bear you know not.” If we don’t come to the Lord and partake of the atonement our suffering will be so hard to bear. I find myself carrying around a lot more than I really need to be carrying around because of that lack of humility that will allow me to repent and forgive.

“As you consider your own life, are there things that you need to change?Have you made mistakes that still need to be corrected?” I know that there are things that have need to change, but getting to the depths of humility where repentance is possible can be hard, especially when there is bitterness and hurt. I know that I need to let go of the hurt and forgive so that I can be healed, and so that I can change. “Forgive those who have wronged you. Forgive yourself.” It sounds easy, but it is hard – both to forgive others and to forgive ourselves. I struggle with both sides of forgiveness – both forgiving myself and forgiving others. “When we sin, Satan tells us we are lost. In contrast, our Redeemer offers redemption to all—no matter what we have done wrong—even to you and to me.” Satan’s lies come when we deny forgiveness, too. Maybe we aren’t good enough to forgive. Maybe the person we need to forgive isn’t worth it. All these are lies. The atonement covers all sin and all pain.

Elder Grow mentioned that Christ “inherited power over physical death.That allowed Him to sustain His life as He suffered ‘even more than man can suffer, except it be unto death;’” I have always understood that the Savior had power over death and that’s why he was resurrected, but it is profound to think that the suffering that Christ endured would have caused a man to die – but Christ had power over death. He was the only one who could suffer for us.

What changes do you need to make in your life? Do you need to more freely forgive, whether yourself or another? Do you need to be more humble so that you can change things in your life? How have you allowed the atonement to work in your life? Have you come unto Christ and been healed?

The Postmortal Spirit World

(find the lesson here)

(Author's Edit 6/25/2012: I haven't read this post since I wrote it nearly a year ago, and I think that I wrote it when I was in a bad place emotionally and spiritually concerning my brother. If you've read some recent things I have posted about my brother, you'll know that his passing was really hard on me. Due to the other circumstances going on in my life around the time of his passing, I didn't really get the chance to grieve properly. So I spent most of 2011 working through all the grief. I think that I wrote this post shortly before I started going to therapy to work through some of the grief that I had bottled away, among other things. Fortunately, I don't feel this way anymore. I have also had some really great experiences that I won't share specifically, that give me a lot of hope for my brother. I am grateful for my family beyond the veil who I am sure are helping him and loving him. What a beautiful thing this doctrine is of a spirit world and of eternal families.)

The Gospel Principles manual asks this question “What comfort do you receive from your knowledge that there is life after death?” Well, let me tell you how not comforting this knowledge has been for me recently.

My oldest brother passed away just over a year ago after a fierce battle against cancer. He and his wife (both baptized members of the Church) were not married in the temple and had no desire to be affiliated with the Church in any way. My brother served a mission, but he was married shortly after he got back. My heart always longed for them to accept the gospel again and come back to the Church, but that didn’t happen. And then my brother was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer, which he fought valiantly, but in the end, the cancer won.

When my brother passed away, my heart completely broke. I love my brother and I looked up to him my entire life. I wanted to be just like him. But the thing that broke my heart the most was not knowing what would happen to him in the next life.

When someone dies in the Church, our knee-jerk reaction is to remind the grieving family about the possibility for eternal families. The problem with those “comforting words” in our situation is that they are not entire comforting. To me it is a devastating reminder of my brother’s lack of faithfulness in the gospel. I have tried to reason it away, telling myself that Heavenly Father can be the only judge, and maybe he will be lenient with my brother. Regardless of what I tell myself, the doctrine is clear.

I was reading the Book of Mormon a few months ago and this passage from Alma 34 sat on my mind like a weight:

34 Ye cannot say, when ye are brought to that awful crisis, that I will repent, that I will return to my God. Nay, ye cannot say this; for that same spirit which doth possess your bodies at the time that ye go out of this life, that same spirit will have power to possess your body in that eternal world.

35 For behold, if ye have procrastinated the day of your repentance even until death, behold, ye have become subjected to the spirit of the devil, and he doth seal you his; therefore, the Spirit of the Lord hath withdrawn from you, and hath no place in you, and the devil hath all power over you; and this is the final state of the wicked.

You can see how that scripture would not be comforting to someone like me, concerned about the spiritual welfare of my brother. I stewed over this for a few days, until I got to Alma 41 and read

3 And it is requisite with the justice of God that men should be judged according to their works; and if their works were good in this life, and the desires of their hearts were good, that they should also, at the last day, be restored unto that which is good.

If you know my brother, he was a very good person. He cared about people, he was kind, and he always sought out good things. He was not, by any standard, and “evil” person. He was a good person. And although he rejected the gospel in this life (and may reject it in the next) I have hope for him because “if their works were good… and the desires of their hearts were good… they should… be restored unto that which is good.”

When I asked my brother why he and his wife did not get married in the temple, he told me that they were not sure that the gospel was true, they didn’t believe in Christ, so they felt that it would be worse for them to get married in the temple – they felt like they would be lying. I can’t see that being anything but good. Their motives were pure, I felt.

Returning to the question about the comfort I get from a knowledge of life after death – I think that in the end, it is comforting. I know that I will be able to see my brother again. We may not be able to live together in the Celestial Kingdom, but I will be able to see him. I will be able to talk with him, walk with him, hug him. He is not lost to me.

I have always known that the Spirit world is all around us, but I seem to forget just how close it is. “Sometimes the veil between this life and the life beyond becomes very thin. Our loved ones who have passed on are not far from us.” (President Ezra Taft Benson). I believe this with all my heart, and I have experienced it. Most often in the temple, where the veil is very thin. It is comforting to know that we don’t go to some far off place when we die. We stay here, we get to be with the people we love (even if we can’t see them all the time). “President Brigham Young taught that the postmortal spirit world is on the earth, around us.”

As far as our spirits go, like Alma 34 mentioned, “Spirits carry with them from earth their attitudes of devotion or antagonism toward things of righteousness.” I would add that they may have an attitude of indifference toward things of righteousness. Although, my brother did have a devotion to many things of righteousness – he was just indifferent, I believe, toward the basic tenets of the gospel. He did love good things, and was a very kind person.

I wish that I could say I believe my brother will be in Spirit paradise – where there is “rest from all… troubles and from all care, and sorrow.” However, I am certain it is more likely that he will have to endure spirit prison (which is not necessarily a bad place – just a place of learning, and repenting, and suffering for ones sins). Since he did not accept the gospel in this life (or rejected it after he had received it) the scriptures teach that he will have to suffer for his own sins and then, “after suffering… [he] will be allowed, through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, to inherit the lowest degree of glory, which is the telestial kingdom.” But I think perhaps he will be happy there. And maybe he will get a second chance to receive the gospel in the Spirit world and be able to inherit a higher kingdom. I don’t know. Maybe some day I will know.

The lesson taught a few more interesting things about the Spirit world. The priesthood is organized the same way it is here. Also, families are still organized. This part got me upset again because President Jedediah M. Grant said “When I looked at families, there was a deficiency in some, … for I saw families that would not be permitted to come and dwell together, because they had not honored their calling here.” I know that I will see my brother again, I just don’t know if we will be permitted to dwell together. Sometimes I feel like part of that is my fault for not trying harder. But I know that it was his choice.

Spirit prison is also not a horrible place to be. “These spirits have agency and may be enticed by both good and evil. If they accept the gospel and the ordinances performed for them in the temples, they may leave spirit prison and dwell in paradise.”

It seems to me like the postmortal world is simply a continuation of this world. “Heaven” is not until after judgment. Spirit paradise and spirit prison are simply the next step. Until the judgment comes, we just continue the work we did here (and for the righteous, they will get to rest from care and sorrow – not necessarily from work).

I am grateful that I had the opportunity to study this lesson, because my mind has been filled with so much lately concerning my brother. While I am not completely comforted (I feel sorrow because of some of the things I know) I am grateful that I have a better knowledge of what will happen to him. And I do know that I will see him again – and that is a comforting thought.

What comfort do you receive from your knowledge about life after death? What things did you learn about the spirit world from reading this lesson in the manual? Do you feel the spirit world around you sometimes? Does the thought of continuing the work on the other side of the veil make you excited, or tired?

The Atonement Covers All Pain

(find the talk here)

This subject is one I feel particularly strongly about. I have a sincere, deep testimony that the Atonement is real, that the Savior feels all that we feel, and that through the atonement we can be healed. It is the most important part of my testimony, and the thing I feel that I know is true.

Elder Kent F. Richards’ talk covered all that I feel is true about the Savior’s atonement. We feel a lot of different kinds of pain in this life. “Pain is a gauge of the healing process.” And healing comes through the atonement. The purpose of this life was to experience pain and loss so that we can “know good and evil, and the joy of our redemption, and the eternal life which God giveth unto all the obedient.” (Moses 5:11)

Elder Richards quoted Elder Rober D. Hales who said, “Pain brings you to a humility that allows you to ponder. It is an experience I am grateful to have endured. …I learned that the physical pain and the healing of the body after major surgery are remarkably similar to the spiritual pain and the healing of the soul in the process of repentance.”

There are three different sources of pain. The first is the pain we experience simply because we live in an imperfect world. This would be physical pain that happens simply because it happens – pain caused by natural disasters, pain caused by health problems, and so forth. The second pain is pain caused by the actions of others. And the third is pain that we bring upon ourselves due to our sins.

No matter the source of our pain, no matter the severity, the Lord’s atonement will cover it. “The Savior is not a silent observer. He Himself knows personally and infinitely the pain we face.” When we truly believe that the Lord intimately knows our pain, I think we are more likely to come to Him for healing and saving. “Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.” (Hebrews 4:16 – emphasis added) I love the word “boldly” in this scripture. We do not need to be timid when coming unto the Savior. When we have faith the the Lord knows our pain in a complete and personal way, we can come to Him boldly, and partake in His grace, and be healed.

When the pain is caused due to our own sins, we may fall into Satan’s trap and think that atonement cannot (or maybe should not) heal us. But the Elder Richards’ testifies, “For this pain too there is a cure that is universal and absolute. It is from the Father, through the Son, and it is for each of us who is willing to do all that is necessary to repent. Christ said, ‘Will ye not now return unto me … and be converted, that I may heal you?’”

When are we done repenting? When have we been fully healed? “Perhaps His most significant work is in the ongoing labor with each of us individually to lift, to bless, to strengthen, to sustain, to guide, and to forgive us.” Until the judgment day, we are never done. The Lord is working on us every day until the perfect day.

This year as we studied the New Testament in Gospel Doctrine class, I was struck profoundly by the reminder that Christ chose to suffer for us. “He could have known how to succor us simply by revelation, but He chose to learn by His own personal experience.” (President Henry B. Eyring) No one made Him do it. Sure, he was foreordained for the atonement, but He still had to make the choice. “During His mortal life Christ chose to experience pains and afflictions in order to understand us. Perhaps we also need to experience the depths of mortality in order to understand Him and our eternal purposes.” I never thought of the second half of this statement – that perhaps our mortal experience is to help us understand Him. How can we ever understand the Savior? Perhaps by passing through the trials of mortality we can begin to understand the Savior and our eternal purpose.

As we approach the Lord for healing, it would be good for us to remember that sometimes the healing comes in a way we don’t expect. “Our mortal circumstances may not immediately change, but our pain, worry,suffering, and fear can be swallowed up in His peace and healing balm.” But it is significant to also remember that “All souls can be healed by His power. All pain can be soothed.”

I testify that through the atonement of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, we can be healed – not matter the cause of our pain. He did, indeed, feel all our pain. He will heal us.

Have you experienced the Lord’s healing power? Do you boldly approach the Savior for healing? How patient are you in waiting for the Lord’s healing power?

Testimony

(find the talk here)

I had the privilege of attending Brigham Young University, and President Cecil O. Samuelson was the University President during my studies there. I received a lot of counsel from President Samuelson over the years at the University, and I have always been very appreciative of his wisdom and guidance. He gave a really pivotal talk to women in the fields of math, science, and engineering when I was just starting out in my educational path. That talk influenced my understanding of a lot of gospel principles. Perhaps I will post my notes here later.

On the topic of President Samuelson’s Conference talk, I have to admit that I only listened to this talk during Conference and maybe once since then. I usually focus on listening to the talks of the Apostles, since those are the words of those called as prophets. But I do find strength and wisdom in all the other talks from General Conference, and I try to make sure that I study all of them, because their words are still inspired and inspiring.

President Samuelson testified that “the fundamentals of gaining and retaining a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ are straightforward,clear, and within the capacity of every person.” “Within the capacity of every person” means that no matter who you are, no matter what your trials and struggles, no matter your situation in life, you are eligible to receive a testimony of the gospel. Heather over at Women in the Scriptures recently posted about this. She wrote, “Like the Nephites, modern Later-day Saints, often get conceited in thinking that we have the monopoly on faith and testimony.” We do not have to be baptized to receive a testimony – which makes complete sense if we remember that the first principle of the gospel is Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. What prerequisite is there to faith? Absolutely none at all. And faith is the only perquisite to testimony.

Growing up not in Utah, one of the most important lessons I learned was that we can find truth anywhere (and the Spirit will testify of the truth) and that when we were sharing the gospel, we needed to build on the existing faith and testimony of the person we were talking to. Most people already have, to some extent, some kind of faith and testimony. To tell them that they are faithless and testimony-less will only drive them away. A more effective method for conversion would be to build on their existing testimonies, like Ammon did with King Lamoni – when King Lamoni recognized something in Ammon that was like the “Great Spirit” Ammon didn’t say “You don’t know what you’re talking about, there is no ‘Great Spirit’ – only God.” Instead Ammon said, “I am not the Great Spirit, but tell me what you know about the Great Spirit!” Ammon then proceeded to build on King Lamoni’s faith and testimony of the Great Spirit, which Ammon helped him understand was really God the Father.

“Everyone who is willing to pay the price—meaning keeping the commandments—may have a testimony.” The Lord says that anyone who “will hear may hear.” (emphasis added) All we need to do is be willing, and the Lord will grant us a testimony.

So how do we gain a testimony? President Samuelson quoted the greatest scriptural quote on testimony-building.

“And when ye shall receive these things”—meaning you have listened, read, studied, and pondered on the question at hand—“ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true”—meaning you will pray thoughtfully, specifically, and reverently with a firm commitment to follow the answer to your prayer—“and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost.

“And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things”(Moroni 10:4–5).

President Samuelson then likened a testimony to a living organism – one that could live or die, depending on how we take care of it.

Of the observations and suggestions President Samuelson recorded from his young adult friends, he said, “Unfortunately and especially at times of our own struggle and distress, we may temporarily forget or discount their applicability to us personally.” This is all too true for me. Sometimes I forget principles, but more often than not I find myself discounting their applicability to me.

“We must understand [a might change of heart] often occurs gradually, rather than instantaneously or globally, and in response to specific questions, experiences, and concerns as well as by our study and prayer.” I frequently find myself lamenting the fact that I cannot change overnight. But when I look back to the person I was ten years ago, I realize that my heart has changed – mightily. My “mighty change of heart” has come through experiences, and through much study and prayer, and I am sure through the prayers of others, as Alma the Younger’s change of heart was brought about by his father’s prayers. When I remember that my heart has changed (for the better) I get overwhelmed at the ability of the Lord to touch my heart and allow it to change.

When I am in the midst of trials and adversity, I sometimes doubt what I know. “We must learn to trust the things that we believe in or know to sustain us in times of uncertainty or with issues where we struggle.” I have been giving many great blessings in my life that have at time sustained me during times of uncertainty, but sometimes it takes me a while wallowing in my uncertainty before I realize that I know things, and that I will never not know those things. “We must learn to grow from our challenges and be grateful for the lessons learned that we cannot gain in an easier way.”

Alma taught that “gaining a testimony is usually a progression along the continuum”. I had never thought of testimony this way, but I am very familiar with continuums. I believe most things in life are continuums, and that Heavenly Father meant for this world to be that way. The continuum President Samuelson is speaking of is “of hoping, believing, and finally knowing the truth of a specific principle, doctrine, or the gospel itself”. In some principles and doctrines, I may be still in the “hoping” area of the continuum, while in others, I have already moved to the “knowing” stage.

And of course, President Samuelson couldn’t leave out the “primary answers” to “How do we build our testimonies?” “Prayers, scripture and gospel study, attendance at Church meetings,temple worship, fulfilling visiting teaching, home teaching, and other assignments all strengthen our faith and invite the Spirit into our lives.When we neglect any of these privileges, we place our testimonies in jeopardy.” Remember when the answer to every question in Primary was “read your scriptures, say your prayers, and go to church”? Well, turns out the answers haven’t changed.

“It is good to remember that being too hard on yourself when you make a mistake can be as negative as being too casual when real repentance is needed.” This is a great piece of advice because I often err on both accounts – being too hard on myself in some instances, and in other instances denying my need to repent.

And perhaps President Samuelson’s most profound remark:

We must always be clear that the Atonement of Christ is fully and continuously operative for each of us when we allow it to be so. Then everything else fits into place even when we continue to struggle with certain details, habits, or seemingly missing parts in the mosaic of our faith.

Too often I see people (including myself) discounting the atonement because we are not perfect all at once. When we continuously struggle with a habit or sin that we are trying to repent of, we feel as if the atonement is not working for us. But as President Samuelson says, the atonement is “fully and continuously operative for each of us when we allow it to be so.” When we remember that fact, things will not seem as bleak when we continue to struggle.

President Samuelson closed his remarks with his personal testimony and then with the comment that “if you are struggling, you can rely on the truthfulness of the testimonies you hear from this pulpit at this conference.” What a great principle of the gospel! That we can strengthen our testimonies by listening to the Spirit testify of truth through the testimonies of others.

How do you take care of your testimony? Do you sometimes have to rely simply on the testimonies of others when your testimony may be weak? Do you believe that everyone is eligible to receive a testimony of the gospel?

Find more great comments on President Samuelson’s talk over at the General Conference Book Club on Diapers and Divinity: