An Eventful Year - Revelation and the Lord's Timing

I don't usually post "Year in Review" type blog posts. However, I was reading my New Years' post from 2012 in which I wrote that 2011 and been "the best of times and the worst of times". Perhaps that statement could sum up life in general, because 2013 definitely fits that same description.

I'm sure you have all been missing me, dear readers. And I just want to warn you that this is not me "coming back" really. I hope to be back eventually, and I imagine the summers will be better, but life has thrown me a few curve balls.

In 2013, I had five major life events: birth of a child, starting school, divorce, new job, and remarriage.

Birth of a Child

There are so many thoughts and feeling that are rushing around inside of me about the birth of my second son. His birth was amazing and spiritual and perfect and wonderful and everything I wanted it to be.Heather, from Women in the Scriptures, was my doula - and she was an amazing doula. She will deny it up and down, but I regard Heather as a spiritual giant. I feel like the labor and delivery went so well because she was there, with her faith and her knowledge and her testimony, I could just feel the power of God around me and with me. And if not from Heather, then from what she has taught me about the priesthood and womanhood and motherhood through the past several years, both on her blog and in personal conversations. She is an amazing woman.

Starting School

I felt inspired this year that I should go back to school to finish the few courses I need to qualify for a teaching license. Although I have a bachelor's degree in Math, I don't have a teaching license, and I had been feeling something nagging at me to get my license and teach. Because I was married to a soldier I didn't know how much time I would have in any one place, so I figured that I needed my education to be as portable as possible. So in May I applied to an online university to finish my teacher prep courses. Because of the next major life event, I am so grateful that I listened to the prompting to go back to school and prepare to be a teacher.

Getting a Divorce

This is probably the longest story, and I am not going to tell it all right here, right now (but you can read my emotions about a lot of it in my previous posts about my faith crumbling through adversity and trials). Suffice it to say that when I was scared to death (literally) of leaving my marriage, when I thought it would be better to be dead that divorced, when I argued with Heavenly Father, wondering why He would ask me to do something I knew was against His plan, when my faith seemed to be threadbare, something happened. I got strength from a place I had forgotten about, and somehow, I got out.

And there I was, hurting, broken, but feeling like I had burst out of a dark prison.

I felt like my life had crumbled around me, but God gave me a vision of what my new life could be if I would just cling to Him. And that is what I have been doing.

Starting a New Job

Due to the previous major life event, I needed to get a job so I could provide for my family. I submitted applications for a job on Monday in between filling out divorce papers. I filed for divorce on Tuesday, interviewed for a job on Friday, and was offered the job on Tuesday of the next week. A full time job teaching math at a middle school in a nice neighborhood about 10 minutes from my house. My good friend was looking for a job and is a fantastic mother and I asked and she offered to be our day care practically at the same moment. It was meant to be.

However, my first paycheck wasn't going to come until late September. Because I had started school I had just received some student loan funds. Between the student loans and my amazing ward I was able to make it to September with money to spare. Heavenly Father is watching out for me.

Getting Remarried
This story is probably longer than the divorce story, but I am pretty sure it can be summed up in two principles: receiving and understanding personal revelation (which I wrote about here) and the Lord's timing is not always our timing - which the Stake President mentioned in that blessing.

Did you know that "in due time" doesn't necessarily mean "in a loooong time"? That's what I thought when the Stake President promised me that I would experience the joy of marriage again and followed that promise up with "in due time" which he repeated! I was thinking "so, I'll get married again in a really really really long time. Imagine my surprise when I met my new husband and three days later Heavenly Father informed me that he would be my new husband. Come to find out "in due time" means "at the appropriate time" - which apparently is 3 months after a divorce (for me). Who knew? It didn't take my husband long to receive the same revelation, so then the only question was "when"? We prayed about it and I felt inspired that we should pick a date and take it to Heavenly Father for approval. We looked at my calendar (being a teacher I don't get a lot of time off work) and picked a date mid-January. After a few days I had a nagging feeling that it wasn't soon enough. So we thought "After Christmas would be great". Nope, wrong again. Finally we picked the day before Thanksgiving (which at this point was about a month away). Yep. It felt right. We talked to my bishop, we talked to my parents, we talked to his parents, we told our kids (six of them altogether!), and it happened! So yeah, it all boils down to receiving and understanding revelation and the Lord's timing is not always our timing.

So now you know where I have been for the last 6-12 months. Going through a painful divorce, starting school and a job, and getting remarried to a wonderful man who loves God with all of his heart, might, mind and strength, with me as a close second.

I hope to be able to write more often, but don't hold your breath. Of course, now that I have "come out" and you all know my little secrets, it will be easier for me to write. I always like being open and "real" on my blog, and I feel like I have been lying the past year or so because my marriage was so awful. So, comment on here and tell me you're still reading and I will try to post more often. If no one cares that I was gone I will probably just post whenever it happens (which might not be very often!).

What lessons did you learn last year?

GCBC Week 6: "This is my Work and my Glory"

Image Credit: NASA Goddard Photo and Video

A lot of thoughts came to me as I read through Elder Ballard's talk. I love talks about the Priesthood power. That power is very significant in my life and my spirituality. I have a lot of thoughts tossing around now, but I think they deserve a little more thought and study and then their own blog post. I am also excited to watch and study the new worldwide leadership training video Elder Ballard referenced in his talk (you can view or download it here)

What were your thoughts about Elder Ballard's talk?

“This Is My Work and Glory” - Elder M. Russell Ballard

If you are new to General Conference Book Club, click here to find out more. The basic idea is to study one General Conference talk each week between April conference and October conference, and to chat about the talk here in the comment section. You can also link up (using the linky tool below) to your own blog post about this talk. The link up will be open until I post the next week's talk, but if you study this talk later and missed the link up, feel free to post your link in the comment section.

GCBC Week 23: “That the Lost May Be Found”

Just as the nausea recedes from my list of pregnancy symptoms, congestion begins in full force. I was thinking about the patience it takes to be pregnant for nine months and I thought, “What a great training ground for the patience it will take to raise a child.” If I can make it through nine months of pregnancy symptoms, then labor and delivery, I can take anything this child can dish out, right?

That the Lost May Be Found – by Elder M. Russell Ballard

I was struck by Elder Ballard’s observation about families -

Opposite of what many had thought, prosperity and education seem to be connected to a higher likelihood of having traditional families and values.

I admired him for bringing out the concern of causation vs correlation.

The real question, of course, is about cause and effect. Do some sectors of our society have stronger values and families because they are more educated and prosperous, or are they more educated and prosperous because they have values and strong families?

But of course we know that it is causation, and we know what the cause is – strong families.

…[S]ocieties at large are strengthened as families grow stronger. Commitments to family and values are the basic cause. Nearly everything else is effect. When couples marry and make commitments to each other, they greatly increase their chances of economic well-being. When children are born in wedlock and have both a mom and a dad, their opportunities and their likelihood of occupational success skyrocket. And when families work and play together, neighborhoods and communities flourish, economies improve, and less government and fewer costly safety nets are required.

What stood out to you from Elder Ballard’s talk?

GCBC Week 14: Families Under Covenant

We’re finishing up our antibiotics (we’ve all had strep, if you missed that from last week). Except for my 5 year old. He lasted a while without getting any really bad symptoms, but this weekend he started manifesting symptoms, so he’s just starting his while we’re all finishing up. Poor kid.

We’re over half way done with General Conference Book Club! That means that we’re halfway to October General Conference. I have really been enjoying this go around with GCBC. Hosting the book club keeps me more accountable, and so far I have studied all the talks.

As I was studying this talk I thought of the Sanctus Real song, Lead Me. It’s an excellent song about a man who wants to stand up and lead his family, being their support, their strength, and their spiritual leader – and understands that he needs God’s help in that role.

Families Under Covenant – by President Henry B. Eyring

There is nothing that has come or will come into your family as important as the sealing blessings. There is nothing more important than honoring the marriage and family covenants you have made or will make in the temples of God.

The way to do that is clear. The Holy Spirit of Promise, through our obedience and sacrifice, must seal our temple covenants in order to be realized in the world to come.

There is a lot in President Eyring’s talk about how to have your marriage and family sealed by the Holy Spirit of promise. This is a talk I would like to study with my husband.

How did President Eyring’s talk impact you?

GCBC Week 2: “And a Little Child Shall Lead Them” by President Boyd K. Packer

First off, a big thank you to those who came and participated in GCBC Week 1 last week. I imagine I should have expected all the participation, but I didn’t. My humble little blog has always been just that – humble. I didn’t have any big plans for it. I really just wanted a place to write down all the stuff I didn’t get to say in Gospel Doctrine class and in Relief Society.

Also, Happy Easter! I hope all of you have been able to enjoy this Easter Sunday and ponder on the meaning of the Savior’s atonement, death, and resurrection for all of us, and for you personally. If you haven’t discovered the Bible Videos from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, you should – you can find them here. Last night I watched the videos that portray the Savior’s final week to get me in the mood for Easter Sunday. They were really powerful.

The general consensus for the order in which to proceed with GCBC is to go through the talks in chronological order. So we will more or less go in chronological order. I have doubled up some of the shorter talks so that we can also study the talks from the Priesthood session (since that was the only time Elder Bednar spoke, and I really love his talks) and possibly President Monson’s talk from the Young Women’s broadcast. I have posted a tentative schedule here, so let me know what you think.

“And a Little Child Shall Lead Them” - President Boyd K. Packer

“The creation of life is a great responsibility for a married couple. It is the challenge of mortality to be a worthy and responsible parent. Neither man nor woman can bear children alone. It was meant that children have two parents—both a father and a mother. No other pattern or process can replace this one…

The ultimate end of all activity in the Church is to see a husband and his wife and their children happy at home, protected by the principles and laws of the gospel, sealed safely in the covenants of the everlasting priesthood. Husbands and wives should understand that their first calling—from which they will never be released—is to one another and then to their children.”

A friend of mine from the BYU married student ward we attended eons (read: about 5 years) ago wrote this while they were going through adoption training:

Here's a question for you, are a worthy husband and wife entitled to have children? I kind of thought so, and I know Nick did because when we were asked this at training he said yes out loud! Well, it's not a crazy thought: if people live righteously and are married in the right place, they should be able to have children right? Wrong! The only place the word entitled is mentioned in any church document is in the Proclamation on the Family where it says "Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity." The entire reason the church offers this program and seriously subsidizes the cost of adoption is for the children, and their rights to be in a good family, not because the parents have any right at all to having children.

As a fertile, child-bearing woman this changed my perspective probably as much as it did hers. I suddenly saw that these children in my home were entitled (what a powerful word!) to “birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.” I have a solemn responsibility to be a righteous mother to my children, because they are entitled to have righteous parents.

What were some truths about families and children that struck you in this talk?

Love Her Mother

(find the talk here)

I have no idea why I felt inspired to write about this now,  but I think it has something to do with my husband learning how to love me, and our relationship growing and becoming stronger in the past few months.

Early last year, my husband and I got to a place in our marriage that could have been a breaking point. Thankfully, my husband picked up all the broken pieces and really did his best to fix everything. My husband is not your average guy. He is really amazing. Wonderful, really. He has a really hard past. He suffered things as a child that no child should ever have to experience. And the lack of help he received as a child to heal from those experiences has left severe spiritual and emotional scars (scars I didn’t see when we first got married, and scars that he didn’t even know were there). He is starting to heal, and it is a beautiful, but very hard, thing.

We have been married for six years, and those six years have been so hard. Of course marriage is a growing experience, and it isn’t always easy, but I never expected to have to deal with all of this hurt and pain. The thing is, I had a great, “normal”, very safe childhood. My father was a counselor and my mother was an elementary school teacher. Sure they had their faults and weaknesses – but they were, for the most part, normal faults and weaknesses, things that most parents struggle with. In general, my parents were kind, supportive, gentle, wise, and really taught us “the way [we] should go.” I have never really known many people with the kind of hurt and pain my husband has been holding inside for over 20 years. Those were the people who went to see my dad for counseling – people who had suffered hard things and needed help healing. Not me.

And yet, here I am. My husband and I see a marriage counselor just about every week. We have been seeing him since around September of last year, and I really think that he has been able to help my husband heal. There is still a lot of healing ahead (I hope). We’re nowhere near the end, but we are going to get there.

I am learning a lot about how to help my husband, and how to be strong when he is hurting.

And, thanks to the atonement of the Savior, the amazing man in my husband is able to come out from behind the scars and pain. I am learning to have more faith in the Lord’s ability to heal us. My husband has always been a righteous man, and always a very spiritual man. But the hurt from his past had caused such bitter feelings that they were eating away at our marriage. At first, I thought there was something wrong with me. It was really easy to feel that way. I felt like maybe he didn’t really love me.

How foolish! My husband loves me with all of his heart, and always has.

And I guess that is why I am writing about this after studying Sister Elaine S. Dalton’s talk. Because last October when she gave this talk, I didn’t think that my husband loved me, and so I worried about how I was going to raise a righteous daughter in a home where her father didn’t love her mother.

I look back now and realize how wrong I was. He has always loved me.

Sister Dalton said, “Love her mother so much that your marriage is celestial. A temple marriage for time and all eternity is worthy of your greatest efforts and highest priority.”

My husband and I have learned that seeing a marriage counselor is not as embarrassing as it seemed at first. In fact, we love talking to people about what we learned from our marriage counselor. He is an excellent counselor. Our marriage is top priority. And right now, it needs some help. We are putting forth our greatest efforts to protect our marriage and strengthen it.

For Christmas after our daughter was born, I bought my husband this book – Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters by Meg Meeker. I read a little bit of it, and skimmed the rest, but my husband read it cover to cover. She talks about a lot of the principles mentioned by Sister Dalton in her talk. I recommend this book to any father of a daughter.

My favorite thing that Sister Dalton suggested fathers do with their daughters was attend the temple with them. I think that is a fabulous idea! My favorite temple trips were the ones when my father came with us and baptized us.

Here are some other things Sister Dalton suggested fathers can do for their daughters:

You are your daughter’s guardian in more than the legal sense. Be present in your daughter’s life. Let her know your standards, your expectations,your hopes and dreams for her success and happiness. Interview her, get to know her friends and, when the time comes, her boyfriends. Help her understand the importance of education. Help her understand that the principle of modesty is a protection. Help her choose music and media that invite the Spirit and are consistent with her divine identity. Be an active part of her life. And if in her teenage years she should not come home from a date on time, go get her.

I really enjoyed this talk. I apologize for not writing more about the talk, but I really felt inspired to share what has been going on in our marriage. Maybe to let you know that my life isn’t perfect, and we have struggles that are really, really hard – just like everyone else.

We have to rely on the atonement of our Savior for strength, for repentance, and for healing.

What did you get from Sister Dalton’s talk?

Find more insight on this talk (and others) over at
Diapers and Divinity’s General Conference Book Club

Children are hard - So don’t have any

A friend of mine shared a “funny” video the other day. If you want to watch it without having it spoiled, hurry and click on the link. If you don’t have a desire to watch it, read on.

The video opens with a young father and his son (probably 6 or 7?) at a grocery store. The young son takes some cereal off the shelf and puts it in the cart. The father picks it up and deliberately puts it back, and thus ensues a little “take it out, put it back” war between father and son. Suddenly, after the father puts it back again, the young boy starts throwing a tantrum, screaming, throwing things off the shelves, lying on the floor screaming and hitting the floor, all while the bystanders watch in displeasure and seem to give the young father one of “those” looks (if you’ve ever been in the grocery store with a screaming child, you know what I’m talking about). You notice (or maybe you don’t, but I did) that there are only adults (and most of them older – think 40s+) and none of them have children (of any age) with them. The commercial ends with a close up of the young father’s face and a message at the bottom: “Wear condoms.”

Now, while the irony of the video might be somewhat funny, I found the message to be in poor taste, and exactly what Elder Neil A. Andersen was illustrating in his talk from General Conference about children and how the world views them as a lower priority than anything. The message I observed in the video was this, “Children are hard work, so make sure you don’t have any.”

The video is in another language with subtitles (I think French?) and I thought that a commercial like this would probably not fly in the United States. Fortunately we have enough mothers who aggressively defend motherhood (like Rachel Jankovic) in the United States that I think there would be some really negative backlash to a commercial like this being aired in the United States. But in Europe, where families values have eroded so much that some countries are trying to get more men to be teachers so that children will have positive male role models (what happened to fathers?!) I thought this commercial was probably very well received.

I thought the message in the commercial might have been more “don’t have kids if you’re not ready to have kids” if there had been other, well-behaved children in the commercial. But in the commercial you will notice a blatant lack of children. So that leads me to believe that the marketers weren’t just targeting people who might not be emotionally, mentally, physically, or financially prepared to have children. Since the only child in the entire commercial was acting like a monster (while the father simply stands by and “lets” him throw the fit – a conversation for another day) – which even well-behaved children will do sometimes – there was no other conclusion to draw other than that the marketers view all children as trials and burdens which we should protect ourselves from  by wearing condoms (or using another form of birth control – don’t worry, I am not knocking birth control here – there is a time and place for that, too).

I know this sounds a little harsh, and maybe I am off – maybe the marketers really were saying “If you’re not ready to have kids, wait until you are.” What did you think?

PS – I included a few pictures of my two year old during some of her tantrums. (which happen quite frequently… because she is two) so you would know that I don’t think my children are always perfect. I wanted to be fair and include pictures of my four year old, but either he doesn’t throw tantrums as often as she does, or he just makes sure he isn’t throwing tantrums while we are taking pictures. Either way – parenting is hard, children are hard – mine throw tantrums all the time. But it is by far the most important thing we can ever do.

What message did you see in the commercial? Do you think the commercial illustrates, at least somewhat, the lower priority most people in the world give to having and raising successful children? Or do you think it is simply a harmless message?

Children

(find the talk here)

“In the most beloved story of a baby’s birth,
there was no decorated nursery or designer crib –
only a manger for the Savior of the world.”

I have been thinking a lot about Elder Neil L. Andersen’s talk since General Conference. When I was a teenager, I thought a lot about being a mother. It was really all I wanted to be. I dreamed of having a house full of kids. Mothering children has always been on my mind.

The thing about having children (in God’s way, at least) is that it isn’t a one-person decision. I don’t get to just decide to have kids, or not to have kids – it is a decision I have to make with my husband, “with sincere prayer and acted on with great faith.”

There are many women in today’s world who want to have children and raise them as a single mother. They don’t see anything wrong with that. I see a lot wrong with that.

The Family: A Proclamation to the World states, “Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.” When single women decide to bear and raise children by themselves, they are teaching those children the complete opposite. Sure, it’s hard to be married, and it is hard to compromise and maybe not do things exactly the way you want to, or the way you think is right. But that is where children belong – with a mother and a father who are trying to work together, to be unified. They may not always be perfect, but children are entitled to being raised with a father and a mother who are trying to make things work.

Unity in marriage is another post entirely, but there needs to be unity in marriage for the decision of bearing children – obviously, since neither a man nor a woman can biologically have children without the other. Which means that the choice to have children rests with both the husband and the wife.

Just as the world has succumbed to Satan’s lie that it’s okay for single, unmarried women to raise children on their own (I’m not talking about women who get pregnant from a dumb decision, or a mistake – I’m talking about women who purposefully get pregnant while they are single because they don’t want to get married, yet they want to have children. I am also not talking about women who would get married in a heart beat, but want to raise children and so they adopt or foster as a single woman – those women are to be praised for their courage), Elder Andersen says, “Many voices in the world today marginalize the importance of having children or suggest delaying or limiting children in a family.” I have thought of this a lot – if there is no reason you shouldn’t have more children (you don’t have a job, your health won’t permit bearing children, you are physically unable to bear children, etc – and even in some of these cases, people will bear children), then why shouldn’t you bear children? The world will tell you ___ number of children is enough. I have a boy and a girl, and I can’t tell you how many times the world has told me, “Oh, you have a boy and a girl, that’s perfect, you can be ‘done’ having kids!” What a horrible lie. Sure, I enjoy my boy and my girl, but I have never once thought that I was going to be “done” after two children – regardless of their genders! What a crazy lie the world would have us believe.

I love when the prophets and apostles quote other good Christians at General Conference. Frequently quoted are C.S. Lewis, Charles Dickens (best of times, worst of times), and William Wordsworth, but Elder Andersen actually quoted a contemporary Christian blogger, Rachel Jankovic. I almost fell over backwards when I heard him quote her, and then after conference I had to go look her up. Of course, her quote is now being spread around the internet attributed to Elder Andersen (if you spread her quote, please give her credit). The entire blog post she wrote was very powerful. The part Elder Andersen quoted was this

Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling. You do not collect children because you find them cuter than stamps. It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for."

Part of me wonders what Rachel thinks of being quoted from the pulpit at LDS General Conference. I took the time to read her entire post that this quote was taken from, and it was excellent. I decided today to go buy her book, Loving the Little Years. That sentiment reminds me of a quote from President Monson in General Conference of October 2008 where he said, “If you are still in the process of raising children, be aware that the tiny fingerprints that show up on almost every newly cleaned surface, the toys scattered about the house, the piles and piles of laundry to be tackled will disappear all too soon and that you will—to your surprise—miss them profoundly.”

The other day I came in to my bedroom where I had laid our two and a half year old to sleep on our bed. She was asleep – next to my journal and my economy Book of Mormon. When I opened up my journal, I noticed she had scribbled on a few pages and on the inside covers. I expected to get upset (my journal is very precious to me) and then I thought about reading through that journal when my little J is grown up and independent and doesn’t need me to snuggle her and put her down for naps anymore. And I thought what a beautiful reminder that scribble in my journal will be of the innocence of her childhood, and the precious child that grew up under my care.

I enjoyed the story Elder Andersen told about Elder Mason’s talk with President Spencer W. Kimball. President Kimball asked Elder Mason “Where is your faith?” When I first heard that story, and that question, I thought differently about it than I do right now. At first I thought that I didn’t have enough faith and that is why we aren’t expecting a third child yet. But now I am realizing that the Lord wants me to have faith that all my righteous desires will be realized. I need to have faith that I will have all those children my heart desires to have. And I don’t need to be bitter because I won’t have what I want right now.

I was particularly pleased that Elder Andersen reminded us not once, but twice “we should not judge one another on this matter… we should not be judgmental with one another in this sacred and private responsibility.” I think that goes both ways – we should not judge people who do not have children yet, and we should not judge people who choose to have many children, even though it may seem that they have “too many” children. It is a very personal decision, and one made between a couple and the Lord.

How have you had to have faith when it comes to bearing children? Do you think there are things that you need to do before you have children? Are children highest on your list of priorities? Do you cherish each child the Lord places into your family?

Find more insight on this talk over at
Diapers and Divinity’s General Conference Book Club

with all the feeling of a tender parent

(1 Nephi 8:37)

Parenting is a sensitive topic, and because of the individuality of each child, there are different ways parenting has to be applied in different situations. A friend of mine often said that she didn’t really like parenting books, because she didn’t think anyone could really tell her how to raise her kids, because they were her kids, and they were unique. While I agree (somewhat) with this attitude – children are unique and indeed have unique needs – I believe that there are some universal principles that govern good parenting, and they happen to be gospel principles.

My very favorite institute teacher (someone you’ll hear me talk about a lot on this blog), Uncle Wally, talks about following Heavenly Father’s example for parenting in an article in the book, My Soul Delighteth in the Scriptures. He expounds on more gospel-related parenting skills in his book The Soft-Spoken Parent. The parenting skills and principles I have learned by listening to Brother Goddard’s advice and knowledge (and experiences) have really enriched my life as a parent.

Last night my husband and I watched the overview of a parenting program developed by Brigham Young University’s school of education. It is a program they have developed after years and years of research and study of families, children, and parenting. It’s called You Can Do This: an Approach to Raising Wonderful Children. I love that they don’t call it the approach to raising wonderful children. Obviously that leaves room for other approaches. However – I believe that this program is founded on gospel principles.

After watching the overview video, my husband and I decided that it would be a good idea for us to go through the program together. Then we had an idea. What if we could get some of our friends to participate with us, in a type of book-club? Then I had an idea – what if I could get some online friends to participate with us in a type of online book club?

I think that maybe we will wait to start until the beginning of the year, due to the holidays and the busy schedules that people will have, but I hope that this can be an enlightening experience for all of those who choose to participate, and that we can learn a lot from this program and from the parents who will participate with us.

Each week the assignment will be to read one of the “lessons” in the program, and then during the week try to implement those strategies in our families. When we get back together at the end of the week, we will discuss what went well for us, where we have room for improvement, how the principle worked in our family, and then move on to the next principle.

There are more than 50 lessons, but we will try to pare it down and maybe combine a few lessons to shorten the course. Or maybe we will do it in 3 month intervals, and repeat? If you have any ideas how to go through this program in a group setting, let me know. As I said, this will be a kind of “book club” feel – not us teaching you (we have so much to learn ourselves!)

If you would like to participate (either online or in person – in person would be in the Salt Lake Valley, since that is where we live) let me know. We will probably do the online participants in a Google+ hangout video conference.

You Can Do This - English from McKay School of Education on Vimeo.

I will post more information on the blog as we get this thing organized. In the meantime, I invite you to go check out the website, You Can Do This and watch the overview video, or I have embedded the video here on the blog. We will probably ask each couple to watch the overview video prior to the first meeting. It is about 26 minutes long, but well worth it. My husband and I really enjoyed watching it, and we are looking forward to working through this program with a group.

What parenting programs have you participated in that have been meaningful to you and have created a difference in your parenting skills? Would you be interested in participating in this program with us – whether in person or online?

Follow the Prophet

Note: I originally wrote this post on October 18, 2010 on my family blog. I have been thinking about it a lot lately, and have decided to publish it on My Soul Delighteth. I think it belongs here.

On Sunday, October 3, 2010, President Boyd K. Packer, whom members of the church sustain to be a “prophet, seer and revelator” gave this talk.

As a prophet, President Packer’s responsibility is to call the world to repentance – much like Noah did in his day as he built the ark, like Lehi in Jerusalem, and like many other prophets in the past.

Unfortunately, as they did with Noah and Lehi, the world has rejected the words of the prophets, and have even gone so far as to petition him to withdraw his statements. This is not a new thing. It has happened again and again throughout history, and God’s word has always remained unchanged. As President Packer so bluntly put it:

...there are those today who not only tolerate but advocate voting to change laws that would legalize immorality, as if a vote would somehow alter the designs of God’s laws and nature...There are both moral and physical laws “irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world” that cannot be changed...To legalize that which is basically wrong or evil will not prevent the pain and penalties that will follow as surely as night follows day.

I respect everyone’s right to an opinion. But I also believe in God’s word, and I firmly believe in God’s prophets who deliver His word to us – especially in these latter days.

Satan is stirring up the hearts of men. A war is waging. “Who’s on the Lord’s side, who? Now is the time to show...” This particular battle hits really close to home for me. I have had to make some really difficult decisions about some people who are very dear to me. All I can think about is how to “love one another” while still being devoted to righteousness, and not “look upon sin with the least degree of allowance.” This article, a Q&A with Elder Oaks and a member of the 70, has been particularly helpful.

In response to the petition I mentioned earlier, the brethren had this to say:

Much of this was not new, but there were a lot of really great things said. A few of my favorites:

“As a church, our doctrinal position is clear: any sexual activity outside of marriage is wrong, and we define marriage as between a man and a woman.”
“None of us is limited by our feelings or inclinations. Ultimately, we are free to act for ourselves.”
“The Church distinguishes between feelings or inclinations on the one hand and behavior on the other. It’s not a sin to have feelings, only in yielding to temptation.”

I don’t believe that there is a different "type" of person that is homosexual or “gay” - to me, that would be like saying people with black skin are somehow "different" than people with whiter skin (if you've read The Help you might see where I am going with that). I know that people will disagree, and that is fine. I believe that people have same-gender, or homosexual, attractions, and that they can sometimes be very strong. But they are still just children of God to me. If they choose to participate in homosexual behaviors, or live a homosexual lifestyle, then that is what they are doing. I believe that there is nothing fundamentally different between someone who struggles with same-gender attraction, and the rest of God’s children who struggle with something else. We are all children of God experiencing trials and struggles on this earth with Satan tempting us and trying us. We inhabit imperfect bodies with imperfect emotions and chemical make ups. We all face trials. (read more about that here)

God made man and woman. He created them specifically different – to fulfill different purposes. From The Family: A Proclamation to the World, “Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.”

As I write this, I realize that I am not writing it to an audience of people who don’t believe in Christ and the atonement. I am writing it in hopes that someone who feels unsure about the word of God on this issue can maybe read my testimony and perhaps feel the spirit and have a little better understanding of God’s word.

It is not easy to stay true to the Savior. Especially in today’s social and political climate. There is so much of the Adversary’s influence in our societies that we can be easily confused by the arguments out there.

Sometimes I get very discouraged because the world is getting more and more wicked – good is called evil, and evil is called good. But I know that there is hope and happiness available to those who live the gospel – for those who earnestly call on God in the name of His Son, our Savior Jesus Christ and ask for a confirmation of that which is true. The Spirit will guide us. I know that because I beg the Lord for His Spirit to be with me as I raise my children and feel like I don’t know anything. And he grants His spirit to me.

If there is one thing I know is absolutely true, it is that God lives and loves us and has given us living prophets on the earth to help guide us when we become confused about how to live in the world and not be of the world.

And I hope and pray that you will try to get that testimony for yourself.

Recommended reading:
Cleansing the Inner Vessel by President Boyd K. Packer
The Q&A with Elder Oaks and Elder Wickman
The Response to the HRC Petition
Many of These Articles
This Proclamation
Another Good Article by Elder Oaks

Friday Fragments

I am running the Las Vegas Ragnar Relay this weekend! (I am actually writing this post on Thursday, and our run start time is at 6:00am, so I am probably either already running, or getting ready to run my first leg! 7.3 miles downhill, whoa!) I am running with my mother-in-law and a bunch of her friends, and a friend of mine from our ward who we roped into it at the last minute because we ran out of substitutes and too many of our runners got injured in other races… bummer!

I attended a beautiful wedding last weekend of a dear childhood friend. We have  known each other since we were in primary, and in fact, our last primary teacher (our teacher when we were all turning 12 and going into Young Women’s) was at the wedding! It was so nice to see her. She made a profound impact on all of our lives. She was young and single and ended up getting engaged and married while she was our teacher. She only taught us for about 9 months, but I think that she was by far one of the most significant teachers in my life. I have had so many good teacher who have truly loved me and cared for me it is incredible! I am trying to learn to have more love for people, like these great teachers have shown me.

The wedding was beautiful, and they had a bishop marry them (my friend has been less active since college, and her new husband is not a member). It was a really nice ceremony, and the bishop did a great job. I am so happy for my friend and her new husband, and I am grateful that I was able to be there for that special time for her. She was a bridesmaid in my wedding, nearly six(!) years ago.

Because the wedding was in my home state (Arkansas) last weekend, I flew there (all by myself! No kids!) and stayed with my brother and sister-in-law one night, my dear cousin the next night, and then my mom and dad the last night I was there. It was a whirlwind trip, but I loved getting to see everyone. The first morning I was there up at my brother’s house I went for a run in the morning before I had to leave for the wedding. I got up, ate breakfast, laced up my running shoes and as I was doing it I felt strange. I didn’t figure out exactly what it was until I was running and thinking about things (I feel like I am close to Heavenly Father when I run – just me, my feet methodically striking the pavement, and this particular time, listening to General Conference talks). I felt like something was missing, and I realized that I didn’t have any responsibilities here, away from my home. I didn’t have children to tend, dishes to wash, or laundry to do – and instead of feeling liberating, it felt scary. I am a mother and wife, first and foremost – so how do I live if I am not living for my family? It was the first time that I realized how much I truly love being home, taking care of my children, my husband, and my home. I don’t like being away from home and away from my family. I thought I would like it. Love it, even. For months leading up to the wedding weekend I was sure that I was going to be so glad to spend a weekend away from it all – the screaming, the crying, the potty accidents, the dishes, the picky eaters. But instead I missed it. I missed having to arrange for someone to tend the kids while I ran. I missed having to wash the dishes and start a load of laundry before I could get out the door. I didn’t like being able to do whatever I wanted to do whenever I wanted to do it.

I wanted to be a mother – with everything that encompasses. And I missed it this past weekend. I am leaving again this weekend for that Ragnar Relay, and I realized that I don’t want to go away again! I want to stay home! I want to take care of my kids and my house and my family. 
I am making a Reverence Book for the kids for Church. This is just the “reverent child” page. The thought bubble is going to have a flip book of pictures of Jesus that my four-year-old picked out at the distribution center. I had searched and searched for a Quiet Book I could make for the kids that would help them participate in Sacrament meeting, rather than distract them from Sacrament meeting. When I finish the book (sometime next week, hopefully) I will post pictures of the finished book and a post about teaching children to worship in Sacrament meeting. I am really excited about this Reverence Book, even though it has been a lot of work (I had to make up the pattern myself…) 

If you won a picture from my giveaway and you are wondering where your print is, I promise I will send them. They are sitting on top of my desk with addresses attached, waiting to be mailed. I have been so busy going out of town and such, and it’s been kind of a rough month, so I will probably mail them out the first of November. No promises, though. I will try my best to get them to you by Christmas. Ha ha.

Meet some other crazy folk over at Heather’s Friday Five linkup.

Being Mormon – the Priesthood in the Family

(read the handbook of instruction here)

One of perhaps the most misunderstood principles of the Gospel (both outside and inside the LDS Church) is that of the priesthood and patriarchal leadership. I have to admit, until I attended a class at BYU Campus Education Week back in August, I didn’t really completely understand it either.

We believe that the father (hopefully a Melchizedek Priesthood holder) “presides in righteousness and love, serving as the family’s spiritual leader. He leads the family in regular prayer, scripture study, and family home evening.” We call this the “patriarchal order” and some people have a hard time with it.

First, let me talk about the priesthood. When a young man turns 12, he is ordained to the Aaronic (or “preparatory”) priesthood. Basically this priesthood is teaching young men how to be worthy Melchizedek priesthood holders. As a young man grows up, and as his knowledge increases, and as he remains worthy, he is ordained to each additional office of the Aaronic priesthood – a teacher, at fourteen; and a priest, at sixteen. When he turns eighteen, with plans of serving a full time mission, his ordained to the Melchizedek priesthood in the office of an Elder – now ready to preach the gospel to the world, and to ordain others to the priesthood (as authorized by Church leaders).

One of the biggest hang ups that some people have about men holding the Priesthood is just that – it’s men who hold the Priesthood. Many people (inside and outside the Church) assume that means that the LDS Church is a chauvinistic, man-run organization. That men get to tell the women what’s up, and that women are somehow inferior to men.

Not so.

First let me quote from The Family: A Proclamation to the World: “In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.” (emphasis added) So, if men and woman are “equal partners” then why don’t women have the priesthood? The short answer is that they do have the priesthood (or at least all the power of the priesthood). By the Holy Ghost, which is received at baptism, women have all the power of the priesthood within them that men have. (see D&C 84: 64-68)

Many gospel principles come in pairs, and if you take them out of their pairs, they get all messed up. Take faith and works – by faith we are saved through the grace of Jesus Christ, but faith without works is dead. We need both. Again, justice and mercy – we don’t need mercy if there wasn’t justice that needed to be satisfied, and we couldn’t satisfy justice without mercy (and still return to Heavenly Father) because we are all so imperfect. When we look at gospel principles as a whole, things make so much more sense.

So, we have the doctrine of patriarchal order in the Church – the Priesthood holder (a man) is the spiritual leader (notice I said spiritual – and it pretty well stops there). But we also have a very important doctrine that men and women are complete equals as well. President Howard W. Hunter said, “A man who holds the priesthood accepts his wife as a partner in the leadership of the home and family with full knowledge of and full participation in all decisions relating thereto.” Women have full participation in all the decisions a man could make when it comes to the leadership of the home. The way our instructor at Education Week described it was the husband and wife are co-presidents, rather than the man “president” of the home and the wife “vice-president” – they are co-presidents, each holding equal veto power for all decisions, and making all decisions together. Being a little more stern, President Hunter continued, “For a man to operate independent of or without regard to the feelings and counsel of his wife in governing the family is to exercise unrighteous dominion.” So this principle of equality between man and woman is actually very significant and important. A husband is not the “head” of the family – he presides over the family – and it is a spiritual presiding.

What does that mean? What does it mean to preside spiritually over something?

Let’s look to the life of the Savior. The Savior is the spiritual leader of everything. He’s basically the end-all,  be-all of spiritual leadership – and rightly so, since it is His Church. But how did the Savior lead? He blessed children, He healed people, He washed His disciples feet. “

He led by serving.

And so it is with the priesthood. There is something significant about the priesthood, and that is the priesthood can never be used for personal benefit. A man who holds priesthood cannot give himself a blessing – he has to ask another priesthood holder for that blessing. And another significant principle of the priesthood is that every woman on the earth has available to her every blessing of the priesthood. What’s that you say? Every blessing. There is nothing a man can receive that a woman cannot receive – including blessings of the priesthood. In the same talk, President Howard W. Hunter said, “Of necessity there must be in the Church and in the home a presiding officer.” That presiding officer comes from the priesthood – but remember, the presiding officer is really the serving officer. Basically, then, a man is given the priesthood of God so that he will serve. Serve his family, serve the Church, serve God, serve others.

So the priesthood calling and authority is really just a calling to serve – and women have that same calling and authority, just no formal ordination to the priesthood – however, we are entitled to the power and blessings of the priesthood. There is nothing keeping us from anything the priesthood has to offer. President Joseph Fielding Smith said, “While the sisters have not been given the Priesthood, that does not mean that the Lord has not given unto them authority.  Authority and Priesthood are two different things.  A person may have authority given to him, or a sister to her, to do certain things in the Church that are binding and absolutely necessary for our salvation, such as the work that our sisters do in the House of the Lord.”

To better understand this concept – that no blessing or power of the priesthood is withheld from women – I recommend an article written by Heather at Women in the Scriptures about the history of Relief Society sisters blessing each other. It is a really interesting article, and very enlightening. I want to share part of a scripture that she quoted.

"Therefore, as I said unto my apostles I say unto you again, that every soul who beleiveth on your words, and is baptized by water for the remission of sins, shall receive the Holy Ghost. And these signs shall follow them that believe. In my name they shall do many wonderful works; In my name they shall cast out devils; In my name they shall heal the sick...." (D&C 84: 64-68)

From Heather’s post, she said “The gift to heal is a gift given to all the followers of Christ, male and female. Women in the early days of the church often participated in healing as demonstrations of faith… Women who gave blessings never claimed priesthood power but always closed their blessings in the name of Jesus Christ.” And that “Joseph Smith clarified that women had the gift to heal and administer because of their faith and not because of their priesthood authority.” Women are eligible for every single blessing of the priesthood, because those blessings only come through the Holy Ghost, which is bestowed by the priesthood. Women can and do receive all the blessings of the priesthood.

In the Church Handbook of Instructions, the section I am reading today has a heading “Use of Priesthood Authority.” In this section, there is instruction given on delegating priesthood authority. If you still aren’t convinced that women can have ever blessing of the priesthood, let me tell you that they are also organized under priesthood authority and are given authority to preside in the Church. When the prophet Joseph Smith organized the Relief Society, he told them “This organization is divinely made, divinely authorized, divinely instituted, divinely ordained of God to minister for the salvation of the souls of women and of men.” (Daughters in My Kingdom, p.7) The Handbook of Instruction says that “Priesthood leaders can delegate authority by assigning others to assist them in fulfilling a calling.” By delegating responsibilities to Relief Society presidencies, Young Women presidencies, and Primary presidencies, and other callings, women have, by delegation, authority over their callings, under the direction of their priesthood leaders.

The ultimate illustration of the participation of women in the priesthood is that the priesthood needs woman for exaltation (to live with God and receive all that He has), and woman needs the priesthood for exaltation. A man holding the priesthood cannot be exalted without a woman, and a woman cannot be exalted without a man holding the priesthood. The full blessings of the priesthood can only be obtained with a man and a woman enter into the new and everlasting covenant of the priesthood – that of eternal marriage.

Do you feel that men and women are equal? Do you understand your priesthood privileges? How do you experience the blessings of the priesthood in your life? How do you bless others because of the priesthood?

The Eternal Blessings of Marriage

Remember to enter my 100th blog post Giveaway!

(find the talk here)

I loved Elder Richard G. Scott’s talk when I heard it in Conference, and I have loved it each of the 10+ times I have read or listened to it since. The love that he expresses for his wife was really touching, and made me crave to have that in my own marriage.

“Two of the vital pillars that sustain Father in Heaven’s plan of happiness are marriage and the family.” Marriage and family are under attack by Satan, because he wants to do everything he can to destroy God’s plan for us. We need to fight back with strong, righteous families and rock-solid temple marriages.

I struggle sometimes with the words of the prophets on marriage, because they are usually speaking to the men about how to treat their wives, or to both partners about how to have a strong marriage, but the prophets don’t usually speak about how to be a good wife. I have been married for six years, and I still feel like I’m just doing the best I can, but that I don’t have a clue how to be a good wife.

“Marriage provides an ideal setting for overcoming any tendency to be selfish or self-centered.” I am a very stubborn person, so I think that marriage has helped me to become less stubborn. It also helps me to look outside of myself and serve others. I can serve my husband and my children. “I think one of the reasons that we are counseled to get married early in life is to avoid developing inappropriate character traits that are hard to change.” Hopefully by being married early in my life I will be able to avoid developing inappropriate character traits! I feel myself softening as the years go by in my marriage. Marriage is hard, and I can feel my soul stretching and expanding as I try to be a righteous wife and mother. Sometimes the stretching hurts, but I am trying to be open minded and humble. I don’t always succeed (actually, most of the time I am still just stubborn – but I am trying!)

Finally, I want to be more like Elder Scott’s wife who, “in her morning prayer she would ask her Father in Heaven to lead her to someone she could help. That sincere supplication was answered time and again. The burdens of many were eased; their lives were brightened. She was blessed continually for being an instrument directed by the Lord.” Sometimes I feel like I am barely able to keep my own head above water, but I think that as I continue to look outside myself for ways to help God’s children He will give me strength to bear my own infirmities.

What blessings have you received from Eternal Marriage? Do you share sweet messages with your spouse, like Elder Scott described with his wife? Does marriage stretch you? If you are not married, are you actively seeking someone to spend eternity with?

“Eternal Marriage”

(find the lesson here)

My first thought when I read this heading was “Really? More marriage and family?” It seems as if the last several topics I have been studying have been about marriage and family. But that is only appropriate, since marriage and family should be the top priorities of every Latter Day Saint (Mormon). After I came to it with this new attitude, I really felt like I got a lot out of this seemingly basic Relief Society lesson.

“As Latter Day Saints, we are living with an eternal perspective, not just for the moment.” I have to remind myself of this every single day. Especially as a mother of young children. Young children can seem to make every day seem like your last. I don’t meant that in a bad way – it’s just the truth. Raising children is hard. It is the most demanding, stressful, thankless job I have ever done in my life. But at the end of the day (and sometimes smack in the middle) I am reminded that it also the most rewarding, most precious, and most meaningful job I could ever have. And the latter part comes from having that eternal perspective. Even if I do have to remind myself about it every now and then.

“We know that our marriage can last forever. Death can part us from one another only temporarily. Nothing can part us forever except our own disobedience. This knowledge helps us work harder to have a happy, successful marriage.” This is most definitely true. Knowing that I can be with my husband forever encourages me to work harder at getting to know him, understanding him, and working together with him. We need to learn how to have a great marriage, since it will be a forever one.

“We know that our family relationships can continue throughout eternity. This knowledge helps us be careful in teaching and training our children. It also helps us show them greater patience and love. As a result, we should have a happier home.”  I know that my understanding of our children’s nature and where they came from helps me love them better. But because they are mine for eternity, I feel a great desire to help them become the best followers of Christ they could possibly be. And when I am doing that, our home is a much happier place.

The manual gives a quote from Spencer W. Kimball that says, “In selecting a companion for life and for eternity, certainly the most careful planning and thinking and praying and fasting should be done to be sure that of all the decisions, this one must not be wrong.” I like this quote, but I was immediately reminded of President Thomas S. Monson’s talk from April General Conference. He said, “Perhaps you are afraid of making the wrong choice. To this I say that you need to exercise faith. Find someone with whom you can be compatible. Realize that you will not be able to anticipate every challenge which may arise, but be assured that almost anything can be worked out if you are resourceful and if you are committed to making your marriage work.” This is my very favorite quote about finding an eternal companion. Marriage takes faith, and I think that is important to remember. But like President Kimball said, we still need to be careful, and we need to plan, think, fast, and pray – and then, move forward with faith.

“When you ask for a temple recommend, you should remember that entering the temple is a sacred privilege. It is a serious act, not something to be taken lightly.” I love attending the temple. I am so grateful for my temple marriage. I know that it is a sacred privilege to be able to attend the temple, and I am grateful that I am able to live worthy of that beautiful blessing.

How does your knowledge and testimony of Eternal Marriage change the way you act? Does it change the way you treat your spouse and your children? How did you come to the decision to marry your spouse? How do you feel when you ask for a temple recommend, receive one, and enter the House of the Lord?

The Home and the Church

(find the handbook here)

The fundamental unit of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (and of society) is the family. If families don’t function, or don’t exist, or aren’t strong, then nothing else really happens. How do we all become well-adjusted, mature, educated adults? It’s not because we would just become that way on our own. It was because we had parents who nurtured us.

In our foster parent training, we learned that studies have found that children do better when they live and are raised by their biological parents, if that environment is physically and emotionally safe. No matter what – it doesn’t matter what kind of parenting style the parents have – being raised by biological parents who are at least semi-functional is a huge indicator of success in life. Of course that is not always possible, and children can do just fine in foster and adoptive families – but being raised in the biological family when it is a safe environment is always better for the child, emotionally, mentally, and physically.

Not to mention that the natural way a human being is brought to this earth is through the most sacred intimate act that can occur between a man and a woman – and then comes a child. This would point to the truth that family is central to this whole world – and that a family is a husband and wife, and their children. The parent’s duty is to raise those children so that they will have families of their own some day and then the cycle continues in God’s eternal family.
“To be a strong and vital organization, the Church needs righteous families.” Just as society doesn’t function without families, neither would the Church, since the family is the basic unit of the Church. The Church exists to strengthen families, and strong families help create strong families. The church has many “ordinances, teaching, programs, and activities that are home centered and Church supported.” Think about that for a minute – the ordinances of the gospel (baptism, the sacrament, and temple ordinances) are home centered and Church supported. But that only makes sense – the ordinances of baptism and the sacrament and the temple endowment are all preparatory to receiving the crowing ordinance of celestial marriage, which is what is ultimately necessary for exaltation. And what is celestial marriage? It is the beginning of a family, which will never end as far as the partners in that marriage fulfill their temple covenants.

Sometimes as members of the Church, it is easy to think about “outsourcing” our children’s gospel education to Church leaders, primary teachers, and seminary. However, “Priesthood and auxiliary leaders and teachers seek to assist parents, not to supersede or replace them.” We send our children to Primary to reinforce the gospel instruction they receive at home, not the other way around. It is our duty as parents to instruct our children about the gospel in the home, at every moment of every day, and in every conversation with them so that when they go to Church, it is comfortable and familiar, because they learned it at home first.

Strengthening the Home

“[H]oly places include temples, homes, and chapels. The presence of the Spirit and the behavior of those within these physical structures are what make them ‘holy places.’” I have always loved the concept of “holy places” and was taught early in my youth that any place can be a holy place. I remember a story was told once of a young woman who wrote inside of her shoes “holy places” to remind herself that everywhere she went could be a “holy place” if she would strive to have the Spirit with her. Our homes can be holy places if we will strive to have the Spirit in our homes by loving each other, serving each other, talking often of Christ and His gospel, and filling our homes with things that are “virtuous, lovely, of good report, or praiseworthy.”

In Doctrine & Covenants section 88, the Lord gives some instruction about how the temple should be – and since our home should be like a temple, these things apply to making our homes holy places. He said a temple (and thus, a home) should be a “house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God”. This is a pretty straightforward list of things we should do to make our homes holy places.

As I mentioned earlier, children do better with biological parents in a safe environment. Of course, any safe environment is better than biological parents who create an unsafe environment. So what is a safe environment? “A home with loving and loyal parents is the setting in which the spiritual and physical needs of children are most effectively met. A Christ-centered home offers adults and children a place of defense against sin, refuge from the world, healing from emotional and other pain, and committed, genuine love.” I don’t think I could have put it any more eloquently or straightforward.

“Strengthening families is the focus of inspired Church programs such as home teaching (see D&C 20:47, 51), visiting teaching, and family home evening.” All the Church programs support the family, but these programs are especially focused on supporting the families. And notice that it is families helping other families – home and visiting teaching take mothers and fathers from one home and bring them into another home, so that as families we can help each other. We do not have to feel like we are alone in strengthening our families. Good home and visiting teachers can help us to strengthen our families.

Family Home Evening

“Family home evening is sacred, private family time under the direction of the parents. Priesthood leaders should not give directions as to what families should do during this time.” We try to be consistent with our family home evenings, and while we are not always perfect, we do try. We cherish family home evening time as a time to specifically address the gospel – although gospel discussion can (and should) happen every day, in every setting.

“Family home evening may include family prayer, gospel instruction, testimony sharing, hymns and Primary songs, and wholesome recreational activities.” This is more or less how our Family Home Evening goes. Since we have small children, the gospel instruction is usually simple, and consists mostly of a few questions we ask the children to gauge their understanding of the principle, and then we give a little instruction, and then we try to participate in an activity together that will help us understand and apply the principle. For example, this week we talked about cleanliness – physical as well as spiritual cleanliness. And then for the activity we washed the van (it had been on a camping trip with the youth for Youth Conference, so it needed it badly). Washing the van became the object lesson for our gospel discussion as well as the activity for our family home evening, and working together is never a bad idea.

Strengthening Individuals

“Church leaders should give special attention to individuals who do not presently enjoy the support of a family of strong Church members. These members may include children and youth whose parents are not members of the Church, other individuals in part-member families, and single adults of all ages. They are covenant members of God’s eternal family, deeply loved by Him. These individuals should be given opportunities for service in the Church. The Church can provide wholesome sociality and fellowship that these members can find nowhere else.” This is an especially tender topic for me and my husband, as one of our goals is to be a family that is a family for anyone who needs one (hence our strong desire to foster and adopt). If a person needs a family, we will be that family. I feel that Heavenly Father is pleased with our desire to do this, and will assist us in reaching out to those in need of the support of a family. It is the job of the Church to reach out to those individuals, but aren’t we, as members of God’s kingdom, responsible to do the jobs of the Church, when really the job of the Church is to support families – that should be our job, too.

What things do you do to strengthen your own home and family? How do you strengthen other families? How do you strengthen those who do not have a strong family?

Companion Study: Verbal Intimacy

(this is a joint post with my husband, Russ.
My comments are italicized, and his comments are in regular font)
 

Hi. My name’s Russ. I’m the hubby. Becca’s finally convinced me to write something in her blog. One disclaimer; I lack the eloquence Becca has. But anyway, today we started companionship study (or something like it). I think it’s one of the best things a couple can do, and perhaps, one of the most difficult things. Not because it isn’t interesting or rewarding, but because you’re addressing things about a person you’re closer to than anyone else you know. No other relationship you have with anyone is quite (or nearly) as complex, or important, for that matter.

Our first study session started out really well, had some bumpy parts in the middle, but ultimately ended with both of us feeling more understood, more heard, and more loved. It’s the best I’ve felt in a long time.

Becca and I both have very strong personalities

(what he means is that we are both very stubborn)

So, once we get to talking, it can get pretty heated, pretty quick. Don’t get me wrong. The thing goes both ways. I mean, when we’re excited about something, or happy about something, it goes that way too. So, anyway, like Becca said, we started off well, and then, like always, our “personality strengths” kind of took charge for a while.

Which is why our first subject for study was a perfect one for us – verbal intimacy. Yesterday I was at the local DI (Deseret Industries – an LDS-run thrift store) and picked up a book called “Sacred Intimacy" by Brenton and Margaret Yorgason.

I liked the second part of the title, so I agreed to read it with Becca.

Today we read the first chapter, “Verbal Intimacy.” Like I said, this was a perfect place for us to start. Russ and I have been married for 5 years, and communication has always been… a struggle for us. We love each other very much, and we’re usually really nice to each other – but we both struggle with both communicating our ideas, and understanding each other. We are a lot alike (both stubborn, like I said – which also means we’re both a little prideful) and we are also very different. Our upbringings couldn’t be more different – our parents’ parenting styles and personalities; the places we grew up; our educational backgrounds; our talents; just about every single thing about us is different.

So there we were, reading, then stopping for discussion every other page or so.

Which was appropriate, since in the introduction, the author suggested to “read these pages together with your spouse. As you do this, when one of you reads or hears something you’d like to discuss further, speak up and say so. Stop at that moment and share your feelings and perceptions until both of you are fully satisfied with the exchange. Be as honest yet as gentle as possible. Then proceed.” (p. xiii) I think this was great advice for couples who want to study together – especially the part about both parties being “fully satisfied with the exchange.” When Russ or I would speak up about something we were reading, we would talk until someone would say “Okay, I’m satisfied with that” and then we would move on (if the other person was satisfied as well).

Then we finally came to one part which we agreed was one of the biggest factors in the problems we’ve run into with our communication. (I myself believe this to be a key factor in communication issues with most people).

“When we listen with our minds and hearts, we might first determine if we have heard what our partner meant to communicate. This can be done by asking something as simple as, ‘Do I hear you saying that you…?’

“Once we receive a confirming signal that we are interpreting things correctly, it’s much easier to resolve the issue at hand.”

We talked about this principle for a long time. I’m trying not to get started on it right now. I’ll just say, people tend to open up to you much better once they know you understand why they think what they do. (Notice I didn’t say once they know you agree with them).

Remember how I said Russ and I had very different upbringings? One of the things we talk about a lot is how different our parents were in communicating with their children. This is one of the places where my parents did things a little better. When I was growing up, I always felt like my parents listened to me, and really wanted to hear what I had to say. Even if I was being a dumb teenager, they still wanted to know what was on my mind, and never made me feel dumb, and never put me down because of my opinions. They really made me feel like it was important to them to listen to me, and I think they really tried to understand me. Russ’ parents aren’t quite the same. They aren’t really the type to listen to children. Remember the movie Matilda and how all the adults in her life (except Miss Honey) don’t listen to her because they are bigger, smarter, or more “right” than her? Russ was kind of like Matilda in that way. So one of the things we work on in our communication is learning how to be considerate of each other’s sensitivities. Where I wouldn’t mind as much if Russ didn’t outright say “Did I hear you say…?” (I would just assume that’s what he meant), he needs me to actually say it.

So that was a big topic of discussion. Aside from that, there were some other big ones that we agreed are a must when communicating. One of them was the “I”, “I-You,” and “You” statements. The “must” here would be to avoid the latter two. Here’s one example – Instead of saying “I can’t believe you said that.” or “You’re so mean!” You might say, “I feel hurt.” Using the “I” statements instead of the other two demonstrates ownership of the feeling. “By using an ‘I’ statement you communicate that the feeling exists, and that it is inside of you. It is your feeling.”

I liked this part a lot because we have done a lot of “you” statements in our marriage, and they are never conducive to resolving negative emotions – most of the time, a “You” statement or an “I-You” statement just propagates the negative emotions.

There were also a few really good pointers regarding how to deal with negative emotions and how to navigate conversations involving them. Among other things, one pointer included being able to place certain discussions on the back burner until the environment is more conducive to resolving whatever type of conflict there is.

We agreed to try something new. If one of us has a negative emotion that needs to be shared or resolved and the environment isn’t the best (the dog just peed in the house, the kids just dumped a bowl of cereal on the floor, or it’s bedtime) we will say “Can we talk about this later?” That way we know we need to talk as soon as possible, but we can also do what needs to be done at the time.

Another thing we both liked a lot was the “Where are you now?” Question. Not like when she calls you wanting to know why you’re not home for dinner. Rather, it means more, “Can I share a feeling?”

This one is also important to me because sometimes Russ will have something on his mind and if I need to vent about the neighbor’s kids tagging our fence, or the kids being cranky all day he can’t focus on helping me resolve the problem until he’s in a better place emotionally.

Last but not least, there was the reminder not to overwhelm your partner.

“[D]on’t dump too much at once.” Try to not express every negative emotion you’ve ever had all at the same time. That can be too much for anyone to take. And if someone starts getting defensive or “shutting down” (what Russ says I do sometimes), you can just wait for things to cool down a little. We decided that at any point in a conversation, either one of us can call a “time out” where we back out of the conversation and take a few minutes to think (alone), maybe pray, and try to get the spirit back so we can have a productive conversation.

We wanted to conclude with this scripture Brother Yorgason quoted:

My brethren, all ye that have assembled yourselves together, you that can hear my words which I shall speak unto you this day; for I have not commanded you to come up hither to trifle with the words which I shall speak, but that you should hearken unto me, and open your ears that ye may hear, and your hearts that ye may understand, and your minds that the mysteries of God may be unfolded to your view. (Mosiah 2:9)

We know that if we communicate with open ears and open hearts, as King Benjamin counseled, we will have deeper intimacy in our marriage.

What are you doing to improve communication in your marriage? How is your verbal intimacy with your spouse? Do you find that deeper verbal intimacy in your marriage helps you have a fuller relationship with your spouse?