I write with Real Intent

Behind the scenes for the past several weeks, I have been working with a wonderful group of bloggers getting ready for the launch of a new blog – Real Intent.

Since you are probably a regular reader of my blog, you know that I have been dissatisfied with the gospel conversation lately. It seems that most of the gospel conversation online is critical of the Church, fault-finding, and focused everywhere but on the atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ, and the power that atonement can have in our lives. Unfortunately, a lot of the gospel conversation offline is shallow, often close-minded, and shies away from the hard questions.

Until today, the only place to discuss hard questions and gospel principles in a meaningful way was online in the “bloggernacle” – but finding people asking questions with real intent was hit and miss. Occasionally you could find a good post or two, and frequently there were parts of posts that were faithful and encouraging, but for the most part it seems like the entire world is dissatisfied with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (or, at least, the entire blogging world).

Well, thanks to the amazing hard work and dedication of fellow blogger Bonnie, there is now a place for the hard questions to help us develop our faith, rather than tear it down.

Announcing the new blog, Real Intent –

from the blog:

We, the authors at Real Intent, are interested in promoting a journey of discovery through the experimentation of faith, aiding one another by sharing insights and solutions regarding issues that face individuals, families, and communities in an increasingly divided world.

We hope that you will join in the conversation and help to create a community where we can ask hard questions with real intent, and hopefully find answers and strengthened faith and renewed commitment to the gospel of Jesus Christ.

See you there!

High Time

I was studying the Daughters in My Kingdom book this past week, anxiously reading so that I can finish it in time for the General Relief Society meeting on September 29. I was reading in Chapter 4 and the book started describing how the women of the Church boldly defended the practice of polygamy (the irony of that is not lost on me – especially given the amount of discomfort and desire to explain it away by women – and men – of the Church today). The book describes how the United States government passed legislation banning polygamy due to the opinion of the rest of society that Mormon women were degraded and abused under the law of polygamy. In January 1870, a group of Latter-day Saint women decided to speak to the world – for themselves – and let them know what active, faithful Latter-day Saint women were really like.

Image Credit: Daughters in My Kingdom p. 44

Eliza R. Snow said of the occasion:

“It was high time [to] rise up in the dignity of our calling and speak for ourselves. . . . The world does not know us, and truth and justice to our brethren and to ourselves demands us to speak. . . . We are not inferior to the ladies of the world, and we do not want to appear so.”

I have felt in the past several months that the world does not understand Mormon women. The world still thinks that Mormon women are oppressed, somehow treated as less than men in our Church, because we aren’t ordained to priesthood offices, and because a woman will never be The Prophet. And most of the people who seem to speak about what faithful Mormon want are not, in fact, faithful Mormon women.

Two cases to illustrate my point:

One of the most vocal Mormon women about the inequalities and injustices that Mormon women face is a woman who of her own choice (so she says) has never been through the temple, has never experienced the endowment of priesthood power given freely in the temple ordinances – and then vehemently argues that women should be ordained to priesthood offices in the Church (and that the Church should embrace same-gender marriage, among other things).

Recently, on the Mormon in America primetime special on NBC, the person they chose to interview about the temple was a Mormon woman who had left the Church and had never been through the temple – again, never been endowed with the knowledge and priesthood power that comes from the ordinances and covenants made in the Holy temple.

The loudest voices these days are women (and men) who criticize Church leaders, clamor for “change” in the Church structure, and describe most faithful saints as disillusioned, unintellectual, or somehow brainwashed. If you really knew anything, you would know that the Church needs some serious change to occur before it is actually the true Church. Oh, but the gospel is true. (says these people)

I have been feeling an increased urgency to stand up and speak out. To be louder than the dissenting voices. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and she made the observation that most women in the Church are not like the women (and men) who are the loudest voices of the Church. As blogger SilverRain put it recently,

“In this dichotomy [perpetuated by the loudest voices], there are two groups of women in the Church: those who see a problem with the way women are utilized and heard in the Church, have likely been adversely affected by it, and who therefore choose to “agitate for change;” and those who have never felt the pain a male-only Priesthood can bring to women, who don’t question the authority, and who therefore urge women to, essentially, “sit down and shut up” about it.

But there is another group, of women who have likely been mistreated or misunderstood by a member of the male-only priesthood in the past, or of women who have never been hurt but have still pondered these issues deeply, who would like to see hearts change, but who believe that the male-only Priesthood structure is in place at the will of the Lord, and who support the Lord’s authority structure and the Lord’s established methods for any change that will come.”

In my experience, the largest group is the third group that SilverRain points out. Also, in my experience, the most silent group is that third group. They are the women who are not writing inflammatory blog posts. Rather, they are writing stories of spiritual inspiration in their journals for their posterity who have been born in the covenant. They are not openly criticizing Church leaders or policies on very public news websites, newspapers, and news channels. Rather, they are silently sustaining those Church leaders by magnifying their callings, providing compassionate service in their wards and branches, and instructing one another in the doctrines of the gospel. They are not fighting for same-sex marriage, but rather they are ardently defending the family within the walls of their own homes, shunning pornography, protecting their children from the influences of the world, studying the scriptures, and praying with their families. They may be silent, but from what I have seen they are strong.

Image Credit: LDS Church News

We cannot be silent any longer. It is “high time [to] rise up in the dignity of our calling and speak for ourselves. . . . The world does not know us, and truth and justice to our brethren and to ourselves demands us to speak. . . . We are not inferior to the ladies [of the Church who speak out], and we do not want to appear so.”

Women of the Church – you faithful, righteous women. It’s high time to rise up in the dignity of your calling and speak for yourselves. Come join us. Come speak up with us. Come help us show the world what it really means to be a Latter-day Saint woman, a disciple of Christ.

How can you speak up in your circle of influence? How can you expand your circle of influence and be part of a “wide and extensive sphere of action”? Will you rise up and speak for yourself?

GCBC Week 16: The Merciful Obtain Mercy

Sorry GCBC is so late this week. I have been sick as a dog. Not strep again, thank goodness, but enough that it’s hard to sit and do one thing.

I know you’ve all been waiting for this talk. It was probably one of the most popular talks from General Conference (it seems like President Uchtdorf is pretty good at giving talks in General Conference – his usually tend to be keepers).

In fact, Middle-aged Mormon Man wrote a great blog post about President Uchtdorf’s talk that is definitely a must read if you are going to read President Uchtdorf’s talk. It’s titlted “Uchtdorf’s Hammer”. You won’t regret reading it. In fact, you should probably read it even before you comment on GCBC this week. It’s that good, it might actually change your perspective about President Uchtdorf’s talk.

The Merciful Obtain Mercy – President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

While I really enjoyed this entire talk, the one phrase that knocked the wind out of me, so to speak, was this – “Do you gossip, even when what you say may be true?” I really liked this definition of gossip from Google, “casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people.” I think the big part for me is the “unconstrained” conversation.

In a book I read recently, I encountered this bit of wisdom about our speech –

The Sufis have a “wisdom saying” that our words must pass through three gates: Is it true? If it isn’t, don’t say it. If it is true, it must pass through two more gates before you speak it: Is it necessary to say? and Is it kind? If it is not necessary to say, don’t speak it. If it is necessary, find a way to say it in a kind way. Kind does not mean candy-coating the truth; it means saying what needs to be said in a way that leaves the dignity and worth of all parties in tact.

I think this “wisdom saying” of the Sufis fits perfectly with President Uchtdorf’s talk. In fact, I would say that not only our words must pass through the three gates, but also our throughts.

There is a quote that I was sure came from a General Authority (I first heard it in a Young Women’s class when I was probably 15 or 16). Upon further investigation I cannot seem to find it anywhere on LDS.org (which doesn’t mean it isn’t on there, or hasn’t been on there at some point – their search engine is definitely lacking), so I am assuming a wonderful YW advisor simply found this quote and thought it would be an appropriate addition to the lesson. It was.

Watch your thoughts, they become your words.
Watch your words, they become your actions.
Watch your actions, they become your habits.
Watch your habits, they become your character.
Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.

Now I feel like this has become a tangent, sorry about all that.

What about President Uchtdorf’s talk struck you?

I do not know the meaning of all things

I commented the other day on a post over at That Good Part and I think I mentioned in a previous post how I have felt stagnant in my personal growth - which was easy to live with because my "level of righteousness", so-to-speak, was relatively good. I am far from perfect, but I have meaningful prayers, meaningful scripture study, and I do a pretty good job with my relationships, and loving others. Not perfect.



In fact, I have a long way to go. And that truth about if you're not moving toward the Savior, you're moving away from Him always hits me at this point in my thought process.

I have been trying to be really mindful of the things I don't know, and the many areas of my life that can use improvement.

I echo Nephi, who said, "I know that [God] loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things."

I have a sure, strong testimony of the gospel, of Jesus Christ, and His atonement, of the Book of Mormon and Joseph Smith, and of God's love for us. But I do not know the meaning of everything. Honestly, I don't know the meaning of a lot of things, really.

One of the areas in my life that needs improvement is faith. Which may sound silly because I have such a strong testimony - but I think that my testimony has been more knowledge than faith.

Alma said, "And now, behold, because ye have tried the experiment, and planted the seed, and it swelleth and sprouteth, and beginners to grow, ye must needs know that the seed is good. And now, behold, is your knowledge perfect? Yea, your knowledge is perfect in that thing, and your faith is dormant". (Alma 32:33-34)

Because of my great parents and leaders when I was young, I think that my faith has been dormant in a lot of things, and because it has been dormant for so long, I have almost forgotten how to exercise faith!

Along with working this year on learning God's will for me, I think that I need to practice having more faith. Which kind of go hand in hand anyway.

How do you find the things you don't know? What do you do about it when you realize you don't know something? Is your faith dormant in some gospel principles because you have already received a perfect knowledge of that principle?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Stand in Holy Places

(find the talk here)

I didn’t get a chance to read this talk this morning, but I was super tired (my wonderful husband surprised me on Saturday with a brand new computer(!) and I spent most of Saturday and Sunday evening trying to get all my photo albums switched over to the new computer) – so I am trying to make up for it now.

I really enjoyed this talk. I am pretty sure that it was one of the first talks our ward Relief Society studied for our Teachings for Our Times lesson.

It’s not hard to see that what President Thomas S. Monson said about the “moral compass of society” is absolutely true.

“Also evolving at a rapid rate has been the moral compass of society. Behaviors which once were considered inappropriate and immoral are now not only tolerated but also viewed by ever so many as acceptable.”

It’s interesting that there are a lot of things that made people uncomfortable decades ago and now are mostly the “norm” – and some of those things are good (interracial marriage, women’s suffrage, etc) and some of those things are bad (views on homosexuality, skewed priorities of mothers, financial miseducation, etc).

“Although the world has changed, the laws of God remain constant.” The bishop of one of my student wards in college drew the two lines as pictured above on a chalkboard during a combined Relief Society and Priesthood meeting. Actually, the first time he drew the lines, the top line ran parallel to the bottom line. He discussed with us how the world’s morality has always been slightly lower than the morality of members of the Church, but how members today are letting their standards fall along with the world – even though our standards are still higher than those of the world. Then he erased the top line and drew a straight line across like the one I have pictured. He then taught us about the constancy of God and how His laws never change, and so our standards should never be lowered. The gap between the standards of the Church and the standards of the world should be growing if the standards of the world are declining.

Most of us probably experience feelings of uncertainty when we think about raising children in today’s society, which is only getting worse and worse. President Monson asks the questions: “Do we wring our hands in despair and wonder how we’ll ever survive in such a world?” His answer is an emphatic “No.” And I echo that sentiment. We have the gospel of Jesus Christ in our lives, and we know how to keep our families safe from the storms of the world. President Monson’s message is that the way to keep our families safe is by maintaining a close relationship with our Father in Heaven.

This is something that I frequently “wring my hands” about teaching my children:

“It may appear to you at times that those out in the world are having much more fun than you are. Some of you may feel restricted by the code of conduct to which we in the Church adhere. My brothers and sisters, I declare to you, however, that there is nothing which can bring more joy into our lives or more peace to our souls than the Spirit which can come to us as we follow the Savior and keep the commandments. That Spirit cannot be present at the kinds of activities in which so much of the world participates.”

I am always concerned that my children will feel this way – that the laws of God are restrictive. I want to teach them that obedience to God’s laws brings “more joy into our lives [and] more peace to our souls”.

Just tonight I had a conversation with my four year old, who is having a really hard time learning how to obey rules. He tells me all the time that he wishes there were “no rules” and that he could just do “whatever [he] want[s]” to do. We talked about how kites fly by being held by a string, and that if we let go of the string, the kite will fall down to the ground. Then we talked about how following God’s rules helps us feel the Spirit and how obeying our parents keeps us safe, and how obeying the rules to a game helps us have more fun.

I hope that bedtime conversation will have an impact on him. I know that just one conversation will not be enough – I will have to show him by my obedience to God’s laws, and other important “rules” and we will talk about this concept frequently. I still can’t help but worry about him.

On a concluding note, I have to say that I wish I could say that “not a day has gone by that I have not communicated with my Father in Heaven through prayer.” I want to make a goal to communicate with my Father in Heaven every day.

How do you keep your family safe in this morally declining world? How often do you communicate with your Heavenly Father?

Perfect Love Casteth Out All Fear

(find the talk here)

I love to share the gospel. I enjoy posting links to Mormon Messages and “I’m a Mormon” ads on my personal Facebook page. I love to talk to people about Christ, and the scriptures.

Maybe it’s because I was raised in the Evangelical south, maybe it’s because my father is a convert, maybe it’s because I am not a very private person and I really like to talk. Whatever the reason, I have rarely experienced fear in talking about the gospel.

I was really grateful for Elder L. Tom Perry’s talk at General Conference. He seemed to lay out – in no uncertain terms – how we should be sharing the gospel.

“First, we must be bold in our declaration of Jesus Christ.”

Growing up I had a lot of really close friends who were very religious Christians, and I think that it was their example of testifying of Christ that I follow in being “bold” in my declaration of Jesus Christ. My Evangelical Christian friends were always proclaiming Christ (both with their actions and with their words). I specifically remember in high school participating in “See You at the Pole” where a group of students came early to school and joined hands around the flagpole in front of our public school and took turns praying, whether in our hearts or out loud. It was a really interesting experience for me, since I was one of only six LDS students at my school (my younger sister being another of the six). I was so impressed that so many students were unashamed to be there, praying in front of the school. Certainly I am sure there were students there who were maybe there to “be seen” – but I knew several of the students there personally, and I knew that they had great faith in Christ, and believed in God.

“We declare our belief in Jesus Christ and accept Him as our Savior. He willbless us and guide us in all of our efforts. As we labor here in mortality,He will strengthen us and bring us peace in time of trials. Members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints walk by faith in Him whose Church it is.”

“Second, be righteous examples to others.”

Again, growing up, I was able to join with the righteous example of my fellow Christians, even though they were of other faiths. My friends used clean language, they kept themselves morally pure, they were quick to help and serve, they were honest, trustworthy, responsible teenagers. They lived the gospel of Jesus Christ. They truly acted as Jesus would have them act.

I have noticed the scripture from 1 Timothy 4:12 has been quoted several times in the last two or three conferences. “But be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity.” As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints we need to let our lives be proof of our faith in Jesus Christ.

My sister and I babysat a lot when we were younger. Usually we would tend for the same families – whoever was available would take the job. We mostly worked for families in the ward. One summer, however, I had a daily job tending for one of my dad’s coworkers, and my sister occasionally helped out. They also had a friend who we would occasionally sit for. This friend emailed my dad one day and said, “Those girls are so happy and cheerful, and so responsible! What’s their secret?” or something (I’m paraphrasing). We were able to share with that family that we are so happy because of our knowledge of the gospel. We were also able to share with them the doctrine of eternal families. They had an older daughter who had passed away several years before we met them, and we gave them pamphlets and the video “The Road Home.”

Jocelyn blogged about this exact thing the other day - "Why Mormons Smile So Much”. If we have a testimony of Christ and have really received the Spirit, we can’t help but smile! The gospel is a “plan of happiness” – hence the smiling.

“Next, speak up about the Church.”

I was blessed to be able to speak freely about religion with my friends. They didn’t fully understand the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints, and I was probably not very good at explaining things for them. However, our conversations were usually “two way” – as Elder Perry has suggested they be, “When our professional and personal associates inquire about our religious beliefs, they are inviting us to share who we are and what we believe…Your associates are not inviting you to teach, preach, expound, or exhort. Engage them in a two-way conversation—share something about your religious beliefs but also ask them about their beliefs. Gauge the level of interest by the questions they ask. If they are asking a lot of questions, focus the conversation on answering those questions. Always remember that it is better for them to ask than for you to tell.”

I think that many people are uncomfortable talking to Mormons about their religion because they are worried that we’re going to go all “missionary” on them. If we would simply answer their questions and even ask questions about their faith, we would be able to be much more effective in sharing the gospel. I had a recent experience where I was able to ask question about Job’s Daughters, a program sponsored by the Free Masons that is similar to Boy Scouts. It was a really great opportunity to get to know more about what my friend was involved in, spiritually. We never talked much about the Church, since I was the one asking questions about a program she participated in, but showing interest in the beliefs of another person can build bridges that they may feel comfortable crossing in the future. This friend happens to know more about the Church than your average person, but perhaps now she will come to me when she has questions about the Church, and I can answer them for her.

If you are a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and you haven’t already, I encourage you to go to Mormon.org and create your profile (you will need your membership number which is on your temple recommend, or you can get it from your ward membership clerk). If you aren’t a member, I encourage you to go to Mormon.org and browse through the profiles of other members there, and the answers to FAQs posted on the site by members of the Church.

I recommend Elder Perry’s talk as required reading material for every member of the Church – especially those who are either afraid to share the gospel, or those who scare people off when they are trying to share the gospel.

How do you share the gospel with your friends? Do you have a two-way conversation about faith and religion? Do you ask your friends questions about their faith? Are you an “example of the believers”? How do you declare Jesus Christ?

Find more insight on this talk (and others) over at
Diapers and Divinity’s General Conference Book Club

Mysteries of Heaven

I started reading this morning in Matthew chapter 13, but instead of reading straight through I decided I want to study each parable a little more in depth. Before studying the parables, though, I want to study parables in general.

Whenever I read parables, or read about parables, I am reminded of my days in high school English classes, reading great literature and writing papers about what the author was actually saying. I remember getting annoyed at this once my junior year of high school. In fact, I wrote a poem, trying to make it sound all allegorical, when in reality I was just writing about the topic at hand. I remember having my English teacher read it and tell me what He thought it was about. I don’t think he fell for my little trick, but I do know that my attitude about analyzing literature got a lot better my senior year. I was really good at it, after all. I got to the point where I actually enjoyed reading literature and analyzing it.

I didn’t realize how perfectly that skill would translate into my gospel study until I got to Brigham Young University and took my first Book of Mormon class. My professor was not a religion professor – he was a Mechanical Engineering professor, and his class was probably one of the best religion classes I took my entire time at BYU. He really taught me how to study the scriptures. In his class, we had one assignment each day. We were to read an assigned section of the Book of Mormon, and then write a one page paper (didn’t matter what font size, margins, spacing, etc – whatever got our thoughts to fit on one sheet of paper, and take up the whole paper) asking a question about what we read, and answering it. Our midterm was a paper on the words of Isaiah, and our final was a paper about our own personal testimony. I learned so much about studying the gospel from following that pattern – ask a question, then find the answer.

Another thing I learned in high school (from a seminary teacher? from a Young Women’s leader? a Sunday School teacher? my parents? not sure…) was that truth can be found anywhere, and that the Spirit will help us discern truth. It was during high school that I started seeking for truth in all of my studies. As I would read textbooks and other reading assignments, as I would listen to my teacher’s lectures, I would carefully listen to the Spirit to discern what was true, and what was simple man’s philosophies. It wasn’t always easy, and I am sure that I wasn’t always accurate, but developing that ability to find truth in all things has been a real blessing in my life.

Between these two skills – being able to ask questions and find answers, and being able to find truth in all things – I have felt my study of the gospel has been greatly enriched.

One of the places I feel I have really been able to apply these two skills are in studying the words of Isaiah, and in studying parables.”

The word parable means “setting side by side, a comparison”. In a parable, gospel principles and doctrine are described by ordinary things – things in every day life. The Lord often taught this way (in parables) – and more so during his Galilean ministry. This is not really surprising, since the Savior was a Galilean, and His teaching was a lot harder to stomach by people who knew Him, and knew His family. Such an “ordinary” person could not be the Savior. Could he?

Why did the Savior teach in parables? He tells us in Matthew 13. “Because it is given unto you [the disciples] to know the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven, but to them [people who don’t believe Christ] it is not given.” We get as much truth from parables as we are ready to receive. I feel like we get as much truth out of life as we are ready to receive. My husband and I were recently talking about finding meaning in everything, and one of us made the observation that life must be more worth living if you can find meaning in everything. I think that is a true statement – because the more truth we are willing to see, the more truth we will find, and the more truth we have (light and knowledge) the closer to Heavenly Father we can be.

Do you find meaning in parables and the words of Isaiah? Are you able to find truth and meaning in everything? What is your favorite parable from the Savior? What is your favorite Latter-day parable?

Things as They Really Are

(find the talk here)

After watching the Mormon Messages video about the Young Woman’s purse (from a talk I really enjoyed), I clicked on this video: Things As They Really Are. There were a few moments during the video when I almost cried. By now you should know that I am a softy and I cry at just about anything. Seriously, sometimes watching my kids play can make me cry. Watching home videos of my kids when they were babies? Tears. Home videos of my childhood? Tears. I’m just saying, it’s not very significant that I cried during this video, because just about anything can make me cry.

Back to the point – you should watch it. Everyone should watch it.

Here are the two questions Elder Bednar gave for us to study:

I offer two questions for consideration in your personal pondering and prayerful studying:

1. Does the use of various technologies and media invite or impede the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost in your life?

2. Does the time you spend using various technologies and media enlarge or restrict your capacity to live, to love, and to serve in meaningful ways?

You will receive answers, inspiration, and instruction from the Holy Ghost suited to your individual circumstances and needs.

Because I liked the video so much I decided to go read the talk the excerpts came from. The excerpts in the video were taken from a CES Fireside given by Elder David A. Bednar which was subsequently published in the June 2010 Ensign. I knew that it was familiar, because I had read it in the Ensign.

The talk is rich. Powerful. Packed with truth and declarations from a prophet of God. I won’t go through the whole thing, because a lot of the good stuff is in the video, but there were a few things that stuck with me from the talk.

At the beginning of his talk, Elder Bednar stated that the topics he was going to discuss had “both immediate and eternal implications.” Usually we know that our actions have eternal implications, and a lot of times our actions will have earthly implications – but usually down the road. This made me perk up – these topics have immediate implications.

In the talk, Elder Bednar really stressed the doctrine of having a physical body. Having a physical body is very important for our eternal progression, and one of the reasons Satan tries so hard to ruin that is because his eternal progression was stopped when he was denied a body due to rebellion against God. I recently read the account of the Savior casting out devils and the spirits going into the swine and running into the sea to be killed. Elder Bednar pointed out, “when cast out by the Savior he asked to go into the herd of swine,showing that he would prefer a swine’s body to having none.”

Teaching us about the importance of our physical bodies, Elder Bednar said, “Our physical bodies make possible a breadth, a depth, and an intensity of experience that simply could not be obtained in our premortal estate.”

The first attack by the adversary Elder Bednar pointed out was that of addictive substances and behaviors, as well as preoccupation with body image. I have always been well aware of this attack, and have thankfully never dealt too much with any of these attacks in my own life. I had good parents who taught me to stay healthy, and who taught me that “healthy” is better than “skinny” – or whatever the world thinks is the best body image. I have also been able to stay free of harmful addictive substances (also thanks to my good parents).

The next attack Elder Bednar speaks of is thrill seeking, doing things that put our bodies at risk so that we can get an “adrenaline rush.” He said, “putting at risk the very instrument God has given us to receive the learning experiences of mortality—merely to pursue a thrill or some supposed fun, to bolster ego, or to gain acceptance—truly minimizes the importance of our physical bodies.” Thankfully I hate adrenaline rushes, and I get plenty being a mother (“Don’t touch that!” “Don’t lean so far over the edge of the deck!” “Don’t climb that!” “What is that coming out of your nose!” “What’s wrong with your eye?!” … need I go on?) and I have never had any desire to put my physical body at risk for anything. This has at times prevented me from experiencing some really fun and not dangerous things, but my husband who is somewhat of an adrenaline junkie is helping me experience more things that I wouldn’t originally have experienced without him – because I put them in this “high risk” category and they aren’t really – like riding dirt bikes and jet skis and motorcycles.

The last attack is one that I sometimes fall prey to. Do I sometimes “neglect eternal relationships for digital distractions, diversions, and detours that have no lasting value”? I can tell you that I have frequently idled away time on the computer – purposely wasting time because I want the day to end, or because I am depressed about something, or because I can’t think of anything better to do (i.e. I am lazy). I am ashamed to admit it, but it is true.

Most of the time I spend on the computer is usually writing in this blog (studying the scriptures and writing about it), writing in our family blog (preserving our family history), working on family history, writing family members. But I spend far too much time on “virtual relationships” – even if they are good relationships. I enjoy reading a few blogs written by LDS women – women who seem to be like me – they enjoy the gospel, they enjoy writing about the gospel, and they enjoy being mothers. Elder Bednar stressed that “things [should be] experienced as they really are through the instrument of our physical body”, even, no especially, “the sincerity in the eyes of another person as testimony is shared”.  All this time I have been feeling like my time spent communicating on LDS women’s blog has been justified because I am sharing my testimony with them, and they are sharing their testimony with me – but there is something to be said about experience that testimony sharing in person, face-to-face, experiencing it through our physical bodies rather than simply our mind. I was so grateful to be able to spend time a few weeks ago (in person, with my physical body) with one of the women I look up to a lot on the blogosphere.

Because we have moved so much in the past few years, I have been keeping in contact with my friends from all the places I have lived through this virtual world. This has been good for me, but I think that I have neglected making new real friends where I am now because I am able to still connect with my old friends. I know that this has been stifling my growth – it’s just different when you have a best friend who sees you in person “as you really are.” They have a different perspective of you and they can see what you need to change and can help you with the things you really need help with.

After re-reading this talk I have decided that I am going to make a better commitment to make true, real friends in my neighborhood and in the real world so that I can experience those relationships that are so necessary for this life and for our mortal experience.

The last thought I wanted to share with you was about fidelity in virtual worlds. Elder Bednar talked about two scenarios. The first - high fidelity with a good purpose (such as flight simulators, surgical simulators, computer software that helps build safe buildings, etc) - “Such a simulation can be constructive if the fidelity is high and the purposes are good—for example, providing experience that saves lives or improves the quality of life.” Then he showed these two pictures. The one on the left is a virtual simulation of a sealing room in a temple. The picture on the right is an actual picture of that room after it was built and furnished.

The next scenario he described was high fidelity with a bad purpose – such as video games or online social networking where you start to forget “the importance of your physical body and miss the richness of person-to-person communication.” This kind of simulation “can lead to spiritual impairment and danger if the fidelity is high and the purposes are bad—such as experimenting with actions contrary to God’s commandments or enticing us to think or do things we would not otherwise think or do ‘because it is only a game.’” I have to think about that – how often do I justify behaviors or experiences because “it is only a game” or “it is only a TV show” or “it is only a movie”?

Elder Bednar also stressed the importance of personal fidelity – that is, being the same person online and offline. I have tried to be diligent in being the same person online as I am offline, but sometimes I feel like I am a better person online than offline – I mean, in my online world I know that I speak less harshly (it’s easier to control my words when I have to type them – and I can see how they come out), and I know that I am more tolerant of others in an online world than in the world around me.

Fortunately, that means I know that I am capable of being tolerant and of measuring my words – I just need to work on being that way in the real world. It isn’t enough to be that way online. I have to learn to actually be that way, which means conquering the natural man – something that is a real experience, and not a virtual one.

How has the digital world affected you and your family? How has technology blessed and enriched your life? How has it been a challenge for you? Do you remember that your body is essential for eternal progression? How do you make sure you are having real experiences? Are you working on learning how to use your body in a real way?

Refined Speech

Thought I would share this quote from one of my favorite Ensign articles about refinement. By Douglas L. Callister of the Seventy titled Our Refined Heavenly Home.

The Eternal Blessings of Marriage

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(find the talk here)

I loved Elder Richard G. Scott’s talk when I heard it in Conference, and I have loved it each of the 10+ times I have read or listened to it since. The love that he expresses for his wife was really touching, and made me crave to have that in my own marriage.

“Two of the vital pillars that sustain Father in Heaven’s plan of happiness are marriage and the family.” Marriage and family are under attack by Satan, because he wants to do everything he can to destroy God’s plan for us. We need to fight back with strong, righteous families and rock-solid temple marriages.

I struggle sometimes with the words of the prophets on marriage, because they are usually speaking to the men about how to treat their wives, or to both partners about how to have a strong marriage, but the prophets don’t usually speak about how to be a good wife. I have been married for six years, and I still feel like I’m just doing the best I can, but that I don’t have a clue how to be a good wife.

“Marriage provides an ideal setting for overcoming any tendency to be selfish or self-centered.” I am a very stubborn person, so I think that marriage has helped me to become less stubborn. It also helps me to look outside of myself and serve others. I can serve my husband and my children. “I think one of the reasons that we are counseled to get married early in life is to avoid developing inappropriate character traits that are hard to change.” Hopefully by being married early in my life I will be able to avoid developing inappropriate character traits! I feel myself softening as the years go by in my marriage. Marriage is hard, and I can feel my soul stretching and expanding as I try to be a righteous wife and mother. Sometimes the stretching hurts, but I am trying to be open minded and humble. I don’t always succeed (actually, most of the time I am still just stubborn – but I am trying!)

Finally, I want to be more like Elder Scott’s wife who, “in her morning prayer she would ask her Father in Heaven to lead her to someone she could help. That sincere supplication was answered time and again. The burdens of many were eased; their lives were brightened. She was blessed continually for being an instrument directed by the Lord.” Sometimes I feel like I am barely able to keep my own head above water, but I think that as I continue to look outside myself for ways to help God’s children He will give me strength to bear my own infirmities.

What blessings have you received from Eternal Marriage? Do you share sweet messages with your spouse, like Elder Scott described with his wife? Does marriage stretch you? If you are not married, are you actively seeking someone to spend eternity with?

“Eternal Marriage”

(find the lesson here)

My first thought when I read this heading was “Really? More marriage and family?” It seems as if the last several topics I have been studying have been about marriage and family. But that is only appropriate, since marriage and family should be the top priorities of every Latter Day Saint (Mormon). After I came to it with this new attitude, I really felt like I got a lot out of this seemingly basic Relief Society lesson.

“As Latter Day Saints, we are living with an eternal perspective, not just for the moment.” I have to remind myself of this every single day. Especially as a mother of young children. Young children can seem to make every day seem like your last. I don’t meant that in a bad way – it’s just the truth. Raising children is hard. It is the most demanding, stressful, thankless job I have ever done in my life. But at the end of the day (and sometimes smack in the middle) I am reminded that it also the most rewarding, most precious, and most meaningful job I could ever have. And the latter part comes from having that eternal perspective. Even if I do have to remind myself about it every now and then.

“We know that our marriage can last forever. Death can part us from one another only temporarily. Nothing can part us forever except our own disobedience. This knowledge helps us work harder to have a happy, successful marriage.” This is most definitely true. Knowing that I can be with my husband forever encourages me to work harder at getting to know him, understanding him, and working together with him. We need to learn how to have a great marriage, since it will be a forever one.

“We know that our family relationships can continue throughout eternity. This knowledge helps us be careful in teaching and training our children. It also helps us show them greater patience and love. As a result, we should have a happier home.”  I know that my understanding of our children’s nature and where they came from helps me love them better. But because they are mine for eternity, I feel a great desire to help them become the best followers of Christ they could possibly be. And when I am doing that, our home is a much happier place.

The manual gives a quote from Spencer W. Kimball that says, “In selecting a companion for life and for eternity, certainly the most careful planning and thinking and praying and fasting should be done to be sure that of all the decisions, this one must not be wrong.” I like this quote, but I was immediately reminded of President Thomas S. Monson’s talk from April General Conference. He said, “Perhaps you are afraid of making the wrong choice. To this I say that you need to exercise faith. Find someone with whom you can be compatible. Realize that you will not be able to anticipate every challenge which may arise, but be assured that almost anything can be worked out if you are resourceful and if you are committed to making your marriage work.” This is my very favorite quote about finding an eternal companion. Marriage takes faith, and I think that is important to remember. But like President Kimball said, we still need to be careful, and we need to plan, think, fast, and pray – and then, move forward with faith.

“When you ask for a temple recommend, you should remember that entering the temple is a sacred privilege. It is a serious act, not something to be taken lightly.” I love attending the temple. I am so grateful for my temple marriage. I know that it is a sacred privilege to be able to attend the temple, and I am grateful that I am able to live worthy of that beautiful blessing.

How does your knowledge and testimony of Eternal Marriage change the way you act? Does it change the way you treat your spouse and your children? How did you come to the decision to marry your spouse? How do you feel when you ask for a temple recommend, receive one, and enter the House of the Lord?

Companion Study: Verbal Intimacy

(this is a joint post with my husband, Russ.
My comments are italicized, and his comments are in regular font)
 

Hi. My name’s Russ. I’m the hubby. Becca’s finally convinced me to write something in her blog. One disclaimer; I lack the eloquence Becca has. But anyway, today we started companionship study (or something like it). I think it’s one of the best things a couple can do, and perhaps, one of the most difficult things. Not because it isn’t interesting or rewarding, but because you’re addressing things about a person you’re closer to than anyone else you know. No other relationship you have with anyone is quite (or nearly) as complex, or important, for that matter.

Our first study session started out really well, had some bumpy parts in the middle, but ultimately ended with both of us feeling more understood, more heard, and more loved. It’s the best I’ve felt in a long time.

Becca and I both have very strong personalities

(what he means is that we are both very stubborn)

So, once we get to talking, it can get pretty heated, pretty quick. Don’t get me wrong. The thing goes both ways. I mean, when we’re excited about something, or happy about something, it goes that way too. So, anyway, like Becca said, we started off well, and then, like always, our “personality strengths” kind of took charge for a while.

Which is why our first subject for study was a perfect one for us – verbal intimacy. Yesterday I was at the local DI (Deseret Industries – an LDS-run thrift store) and picked up a book called “Sacred Intimacy" by Brenton and Margaret Yorgason.

I liked the second part of the title, so I agreed to read it with Becca.

Today we read the first chapter, “Verbal Intimacy.” Like I said, this was a perfect place for us to start. Russ and I have been married for 5 years, and communication has always been… a struggle for us. We love each other very much, and we’re usually really nice to each other – but we both struggle with both communicating our ideas, and understanding each other. We are a lot alike (both stubborn, like I said – which also means we’re both a little prideful) and we are also very different. Our upbringings couldn’t be more different – our parents’ parenting styles and personalities; the places we grew up; our educational backgrounds; our talents; just about every single thing about us is different.

So there we were, reading, then stopping for discussion every other page or so.

Which was appropriate, since in the introduction, the author suggested to “read these pages together with your spouse. As you do this, when one of you reads or hears something you’d like to discuss further, speak up and say so. Stop at that moment and share your feelings and perceptions until both of you are fully satisfied with the exchange. Be as honest yet as gentle as possible. Then proceed.” (p. xiii) I think this was great advice for couples who want to study together – especially the part about both parties being “fully satisfied with the exchange.” When Russ or I would speak up about something we were reading, we would talk until someone would say “Okay, I’m satisfied with that” and then we would move on (if the other person was satisfied as well).

Then we finally came to one part which we agreed was one of the biggest factors in the problems we’ve run into with our communication. (I myself believe this to be a key factor in communication issues with most people).

“When we listen with our minds and hearts, we might first determine if we have heard what our partner meant to communicate. This can be done by asking something as simple as, ‘Do I hear you saying that you…?’

“Once we receive a confirming signal that we are interpreting things correctly, it’s much easier to resolve the issue at hand.”

We talked about this principle for a long time. I’m trying not to get started on it right now. I’ll just say, people tend to open up to you much better once they know you understand why they think what they do. (Notice I didn’t say once they know you agree with them).

Remember how I said Russ and I had very different upbringings? One of the things we talk about a lot is how different our parents were in communicating with their children. This is one of the places where my parents did things a little better. When I was growing up, I always felt like my parents listened to me, and really wanted to hear what I had to say. Even if I was being a dumb teenager, they still wanted to know what was on my mind, and never made me feel dumb, and never put me down because of my opinions. They really made me feel like it was important to them to listen to me, and I think they really tried to understand me. Russ’ parents aren’t quite the same. They aren’t really the type to listen to children. Remember the movie Matilda and how all the adults in her life (except Miss Honey) don’t listen to her because they are bigger, smarter, or more “right” than her? Russ was kind of like Matilda in that way. So one of the things we work on in our communication is learning how to be considerate of each other’s sensitivities. Where I wouldn’t mind as much if Russ didn’t outright say “Did I hear you say…?” (I would just assume that’s what he meant), he needs me to actually say it.

So that was a big topic of discussion. Aside from that, there were some other big ones that we agreed are a must when communicating. One of them was the “I”, “I-You,” and “You” statements. The “must” here would be to avoid the latter two. Here’s one example – Instead of saying “I can’t believe you said that.” or “You’re so mean!” You might say, “I feel hurt.” Using the “I” statements instead of the other two demonstrates ownership of the feeling. “By using an ‘I’ statement you communicate that the feeling exists, and that it is inside of you. It is your feeling.”

I liked this part a lot because we have done a lot of “you” statements in our marriage, and they are never conducive to resolving negative emotions – most of the time, a “You” statement or an “I-You” statement just propagates the negative emotions.

There were also a few really good pointers regarding how to deal with negative emotions and how to navigate conversations involving them. Among other things, one pointer included being able to place certain discussions on the back burner until the environment is more conducive to resolving whatever type of conflict there is.

We agreed to try something new. If one of us has a negative emotion that needs to be shared or resolved and the environment isn’t the best (the dog just peed in the house, the kids just dumped a bowl of cereal on the floor, or it’s bedtime) we will say “Can we talk about this later?” That way we know we need to talk as soon as possible, but we can also do what needs to be done at the time.

Another thing we both liked a lot was the “Where are you now?” Question. Not like when she calls you wanting to know why you’re not home for dinner. Rather, it means more, “Can I share a feeling?”

This one is also important to me because sometimes Russ will have something on his mind and if I need to vent about the neighbor’s kids tagging our fence, or the kids being cranky all day he can’t focus on helping me resolve the problem until he’s in a better place emotionally.

Last but not least, there was the reminder not to overwhelm your partner.

“[D]on’t dump too much at once.” Try to not express every negative emotion you’ve ever had all at the same time. That can be too much for anyone to take. And if someone starts getting defensive or “shutting down” (what Russ says I do sometimes), you can just wait for things to cool down a little. We decided that at any point in a conversation, either one of us can call a “time out” where we back out of the conversation and take a few minutes to think (alone), maybe pray, and try to get the spirit back so we can have a productive conversation.

We wanted to conclude with this scripture Brother Yorgason quoted:

My brethren, all ye that have assembled yourselves together, you that can hear my words which I shall speak unto you this day; for I have not commanded you to come up hither to trifle with the words which I shall speak, but that you should hearken unto me, and open your ears that ye may hear, and your hearts that ye may understand, and your minds that the mysteries of God may be unfolded to your view. (Mosiah 2:9)

We know that if we communicate with open ears and open hearts, as King Benjamin counseled, we will have deeper intimacy in our marriage.

What are you doing to improve communication in your marriage? How is your verbal intimacy with your spouse? Do you find that deeper verbal intimacy in your marriage helps you have a fuller relationship with your spouse?