Girly Men and Manly Girls

I have a three year old little girl who absolutely loves the color pink. I am sure we influenced that in some way because we buy her a lot of pink clothes. We don’t do it on purpose, I think it has more to do with what’s available than with what we would prefer for her to wear. I don’t think we have a preference for what color she wears.

I also have a five year old little boy who up until a few weeks ago refused to use the pink plates, cups, and bowls because “Pink is a girl color.”

Now, I don’t think those words have ever come out of my mouth, and I definitely do not feel that way. I am pretty sure he came to that conclusion on his own. He is very aware that there is a significant and inherent difference between girls and boys, and he knows that his little sister is very much a girl (a fact she, at three years old, is also acutely aware of). I think he just put two and two together – J wears pink, J is a girl, therefore pink must be a girl color.

Every time he says “Pink is a girl color.” We say, “Pink is a great color. Boys can use pink things. Boys can even wear pink clothes!” or something of the sort.

I think it has started paying off. A few weeks ago my son picked a pink cup out of the drawer for his drink and proudly proclaimed, “I’m going to pick the pink cup!” It was as if he had realized how silly he was being for refusing to use pink dishes and was pleased with himself for being man enough to pick the pink cup. He also has a best (boy) friend whose favorite colors are pink and purple, and I think the exposure to his friend has helped, too.

On Sunday night my husband and I were having a great conversation about various topics, including gender roles and homosexuality. We were talking about the stereotype that men who like “girl things” must be gay. There is a term I have been hearing a lot lately -

ef·fem·i·nate    /iˈfemənit/

Adjective:   derogatory. (of a man) Having or showing characteristics regarded as typical of a woman; unmanly.

I am glad that this definition points out that it is a derogatory term. But I have seen people use it who were simply using it to describe how they are (in a non derogatory way). In fact, most recently was in a post by Josh Weed, a gay Mormon who is married to a woman and came out on his blog a few days ago. He said (emphasis is mine)

*Why did a girl ask me that question in junior high? Because a bully actively spread a rumor around the entire school that I was a “woman trapped in a man’s body.” This was unbelievably horrific and traumatizing, and I was harassed every single day about it, often by perfect strangers. I was more effeminate, played the violin, didn’t play sports, was never interested in girls and didn’t hang out with guys, and so people glommed onto that rumor and ruthlessly harassed me for the entire year, culminating in a yearbook filled with breathtakingly insensitive taunts. Being the gay kid is really, really hard in junior high. If you know a gay kid in junior high, give them a hug and tell them you love them. I assure you they could use it.

I was startled when I read that he described himself as effeminate, because he was LDS, and the gospel doesn’t really support the stereotypical gender roles of the world. The gospel, in fact, encourages all men to be “effeminate” – submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, etc. (Please note that I am fully aware of the fact that there is a difference between the gospel and the Church, and there is an even bigger difference between the gospel of Jesus Christ and Church culture).

The Wikipedia article for “Effeminacy” states

Effeminacy describes traits in a human male, that are more often associated with traditional feminine nature, behavior, mannerisms, style or gender roles rather than masculine nature, behavior, mannerisms, style or roles.

It is a term frequently applied to womanly behavior, demeanor, style and appearance displayed by a male, typically used implying criticism or ridicule of this behavior (as opposed to, for example, merely describing a male as feminine, which is non-judgmental). The term effeminate is most often used by people who subscribe to the conventional view that males should conform to traditional masculine traits and behaviors.

I acknowledge that this term can be used non-derogatorily and that it gets the point across when you are describing a man who, by the world’s standards, does “girly” things or is “girly”. But, notice that the article also mentions that “merely describing a male as feminine … is non-judgmental”. I think that both descriptions of men are judgmental and offensive.

I think that the world’s (and members of the Church’s) gender stereotypes are hogwash. Malarkey.

In a previous post about gender I mentioned that the Church’s Parent’s Guide is a great resource to help us understand that our divine gender identity is not founded on the world’s stereotypes of what men and women should act like.

There are many patterns of behavior that are appropriate for all people. Everyone, male and female, is invited to examine the character of Jesus Christ and emulate him … Among the traits Christ revealed as proper for men and women alike are faith, hope, charity, virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, kindness, godliness, humility, diligence, and love. These virtues transcend gender. They are Christlike attributes to which both sexes should aspire … Spiritual gifts, as described in Doctrine and Covenants 46, are not restricted to one gender either. Included are gifts of knowledge, belief, administration, organization, healing, and discernment.

You should provide opportunities for your children to develop talents in various directions unhindered by improper stereotypes … Teach your daughters and your sons to seek opportunities to learn and to exploit every such opportunity fully … Boys must learn basic domestic skills, and girls must be able to earn a living if necessary. (emphasis mine)

We should be and should raise our children to be unhindered by improper stereotypes. I believe these improper stereotypes are a way that Satan confuses us about our divine gender identity. Either he tells us that “gender doesn’t matter” and we can “choose” our gender identity, or, using the stereotypes, Satan would have us believe that if a man “acts like a girl” or a girl “acts like a man” they must be homosexual, or they must not really be a man or a woman – as if how a person acts somehow changes who they actually are. Even someone who lives contrary to the commandments of God can never change the fact that they are, indeed, a child of God.

As parents I think that we have a very significant role in shaping our children’s perspective of what it means to be a man or what it means to be a woman. I am still figuring out exactly what it means to be a woman, but I can tell you that I know what being a man/being a woman doesn’t mean.

Being a man does not mean being able to change a tire, having huge muscles, being able to bench your weight (or more than it). It does not mean being able to “take someone” in a fight. It definitely does not mean “controlling your woman” or being “in charge” at your house and in your family in an unrighteous-dominion kind of way. It absolutely does not mean loving football (or any sport for that matter), or not ever crying, or being able to “take it” (physical OR emotional pain). It in no way means that you have to ignore your children, that you can never sing a lullaby, or kiss a boo-boo. It does not mean that you cannot be in a play, do ballet, play the flute, or paint.

Being a woman does not mean that you are tender hearted and sweet. It does not mean that you adore children and babies. It doesn’t mean that you like the color pink or purple or some variation of the two. It definitely doesn’t mean that you like scrapbooking, or that you like to cook, or clean, or blog. It absolutely does not mean that you “submit” to every thing your husband ever wants you to do. It in no way means that you can’t like monster truck rallies, the rodeo, or fixing cars. It does not mean that you keep out of the wood shop and stay in the kitchen. It in no way means that you can’t play the tuba or the double bass or sing tenor. It doesn’t mean you have to wear makeup or a dress or never have a job or not get an education. There is nothing about being a woman that says you can’t clean 200 lbs or bench more than your own weight. Being a woman does not mean that you cry over every sad movie or love story. It doesn’t even mean you like love stories.

Manhood and womanhood are not defined in these ways. Right now I can’t tell you exactly what defines manhood and womanhood, but I am absolutely certain that it isn’t those things.

All of the things I mentioned are characteristics, personality traits, and hobbies that are not gender specific, no matter how badly the world wants to claim they are. There is nothing innately feminine about being meek and submissive or crying. There is nothing innately manly about being strong and charismatic or fighting. Nor do those things make you a man or a woman. In fact, except in very rare and extreme circumstances, the only thing that really does make you a man or woman is the second chromosome in your body.

There are Christ-like characteristics and there are non-Christ-like characteristics. We should all, men and women, be seeking to develop Christ-like qualities. We should not make men feel like “less of a man” because they are developing those qualities, or make women feel less womanly because they don’t innately have Christ-like qualities.

What improper gender stereotypes do you see around you? Were improper stereotypes embraced in your family? In your ward? By your friends? What problems do you see developing from gender stereotyping?

Children

(find the talk here)

“In the most beloved story of a baby’s birth,
there was no decorated nursery or designer crib –
only a manger for the Savior of the world.”

I have been thinking a lot about Elder Neil L. Andersen’s talk since General Conference. When I was a teenager, I thought a lot about being a mother. It was really all I wanted to be. I dreamed of having a house full of kids. Mothering children has always been on my mind.

The thing about having children (in God’s way, at least) is that it isn’t a one-person decision. I don’t get to just decide to have kids, or not to have kids – it is a decision I have to make with my husband, “with sincere prayer and acted on with great faith.”

There are many women in today’s world who want to have children and raise them as a single mother. They don’t see anything wrong with that. I see a lot wrong with that.

The Family: A Proclamation to the World states, “Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.” When single women decide to bear and raise children by themselves, they are teaching those children the complete opposite. Sure, it’s hard to be married, and it is hard to compromise and maybe not do things exactly the way you want to, or the way you think is right. But that is where children belong – with a mother and a father who are trying to work together, to be unified. They may not always be perfect, but children are entitled to being raised with a father and a mother who are trying to make things work.

Unity in marriage is another post entirely, but there needs to be unity in marriage for the decision of bearing children – obviously, since neither a man nor a woman can biologically have children without the other. Which means that the choice to have children rests with both the husband and the wife.

Just as the world has succumbed to Satan’s lie that it’s okay for single, unmarried women to raise children on their own (I’m not talking about women who get pregnant from a dumb decision, or a mistake – I’m talking about women who purposefully get pregnant while they are single because they don’t want to get married, yet they want to have children. I am also not talking about women who would get married in a heart beat, but want to raise children and so they adopt or foster as a single woman – those women are to be praised for their courage), Elder Andersen says, “Many voices in the world today marginalize the importance of having children or suggest delaying or limiting children in a family.” I have thought of this a lot – if there is no reason you shouldn’t have more children (you don’t have a job, your health won’t permit bearing children, you are physically unable to bear children, etc – and even in some of these cases, people will bear children), then why shouldn’t you bear children? The world will tell you ___ number of children is enough. I have a boy and a girl, and I can’t tell you how many times the world has told me, “Oh, you have a boy and a girl, that’s perfect, you can be ‘done’ having kids!” What a horrible lie. Sure, I enjoy my boy and my girl, but I have never once thought that I was going to be “done” after two children – regardless of their genders! What a crazy lie the world would have us believe.

I love when the prophets and apostles quote other good Christians at General Conference. Frequently quoted are C.S. Lewis, Charles Dickens (best of times, worst of times), and William Wordsworth, but Elder Andersen actually quoted a contemporary Christian blogger, Rachel Jankovic. I almost fell over backwards when I heard him quote her, and then after conference I had to go look her up. Of course, her quote is now being spread around the internet attributed to Elder Andersen (if you spread her quote, please give her credit). The entire blog post she wrote was very powerful. The part Elder Andersen quoted was this

Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling. You do not collect children because you find them cuter than stamps. It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for."

Part of me wonders what Rachel thinks of being quoted from the pulpit at LDS General Conference. I took the time to read her entire post that this quote was taken from, and it was excellent. I decided today to go buy her book, Loving the Little Years. That sentiment reminds me of a quote from President Monson in General Conference of October 2008 where he said, “If you are still in the process of raising children, be aware that the tiny fingerprints that show up on almost every newly cleaned surface, the toys scattered about the house, the piles and piles of laundry to be tackled will disappear all too soon and that you will—to your surprise—miss them profoundly.”

The other day I came in to my bedroom where I had laid our two and a half year old to sleep on our bed. She was asleep – next to my journal and my economy Book of Mormon. When I opened up my journal, I noticed she had scribbled on a few pages and on the inside covers. I expected to get upset (my journal is very precious to me) and then I thought about reading through that journal when my little J is grown up and independent and doesn’t need me to snuggle her and put her down for naps anymore. And I thought what a beautiful reminder that scribble in my journal will be of the innocence of her childhood, and the precious child that grew up under my care.

I enjoyed the story Elder Andersen told about Elder Mason’s talk with President Spencer W. Kimball. President Kimball asked Elder Mason “Where is your faith?” When I first heard that story, and that question, I thought differently about it than I do right now. At first I thought that I didn’t have enough faith and that is why we aren’t expecting a third child yet. But now I am realizing that the Lord wants me to have faith that all my righteous desires will be realized. I need to have faith that I will have all those children my heart desires to have. And I don’t need to be bitter because I won’t have what I want right now.

I was particularly pleased that Elder Andersen reminded us not once, but twice “we should not judge one another on this matter… we should not be judgmental with one another in this sacred and private responsibility.” I think that goes both ways – we should not judge people who do not have children yet, and we should not judge people who choose to have many children, even though it may seem that they have “too many” children. It is a very personal decision, and one made between a couple and the Lord.

How have you had to have faith when it comes to bearing children? Do you think there are things that you need to do before you have children? Are children highest on your list of priorities? Do you cherish each child the Lord places into your family?

Find more insight on this talk over at
Diapers and Divinity’s General Conference Book Club

Things as They Really Are

(find the talk here)

After watching the Mormon Messages video about the Young Woman’s purse (from a talk I really enjoyed), I clicked on this video: Things As They Really Are. There were a few moments during the video when I almost cried. By now you should know that I am a softy and I cry at just about anything. Seriously, sometimes watching my kids play can make me cry. Watching home videos of my kids when they were babies? Tears. Home videos of my childhood? Tears. I’m just saying, it’s not very significant that I cried during this video, because just about anything can make me cry.

Back to the point – you should watch it. Everyone should watch it.

Here are the two questions Elder Bednar gave for us to study:

I offer two questions for consideration in your personal pondering and prayerful studying:

1. Does the use of various technologies and media invite or impede the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost in your life?

2. Does the time you spend using various technologies and media enlarge or restrict your capacity to live, to love, and to serve in meaningful ways?

You will receive answers, inspiration, and instruction from the Holy Ghost suited to your individual circumstances and needs.

Because I liked the video so much I decided to go read the talk the excerpts came from. The excerpts in the video were taken from a CES Fireside given by Elder David A. Bednar which was subsequently published in the June 2010 Ensign. I knew that it was familiar, because I had read it in the Ensign.

The talk is rich. Powerful. Packed with truth and declarations from a prophet of God. I won’t go through the whole thing, because a lot of the good stuff is in the video, but there were a few things that stuck with me from the talk.

At the beginning of his talk, Elder Bednar stated that the topics he was going to discuss had “both immediate and eternal implications.” Usually we know that our actions have eternal implications, and a lot of times our actions will have earthly implications – but usually down the road. This made me perk up – these topics have immediate implications.

In the talk, Elder Bednar really stressed the doctrine of having a physical body. Having a physical body is very important for our eternal progression, and one of the reasons Satan tries so hard to ruin that is because his eternal progression was stopped when he was denied a body due to rebellion against God. I recently read the account of the Savior casting out devils and the spirits going into the swine and running into the sea to be killed. Elder Bednar pointed out, “when cast out by the Savior he asked to go into the herd of swine,showing that he would prefer a swine’s body to having none.”

Teaching us about the importance of our physical bodies, Elder Bednar said, “Our physical bodies make possible a breadth, a depth, and an intensity of experience that simply could not be obtained in our premortal estate.”

The first attack by the adversary Elder Bednar pointed out was that of addictive substances and behaviors, as well as preoccupation with body image. I have always been well aware of this attack, and have thankfully never dealt too much with any of these attacks in my own life. I had good parents who taught me to stay healthy, and who taught me that “healthy” is better than “skinny” – or whatever the world thinks is the best body image. I have also been able to stay free of harmful addictive substances (also thanks to my good parents).

The next attack Elder Bednar speaks of is thrill seeking, doing things that put our bodies at risk so that we can get an “adrenaline rush.” He said, “putting at risk the very instrument God has given us to receive the learning experiences of mortality—merely to pursue a thrill or some supposed fun, to bolster ego, or to gain acceptance—truly minimizes the importance of our physical bodies.” Thankfully I hate adrenaline rushes, and I get plenty being a mother (“Don’t touch that!” “Don’t lean so far over the edge of the deck!” “Don’t climb that!” “What is that coming out of your nose!” “What’s wrong with your eye?!” … need I go on?) and I have never had any desire to put my physical body at risk for anything. This has at times prevented me from experiencing some really fun and not dangerous things, but my husband who is somewhat of an adrenaline junkie is helping me experience more things that I wouldn’t originally have experienced without him – because I put them in this “high risk” category and they aren’t really – like riding dirt bikes and jet skis and motorcycles.

The last attack is one that I sometimes fall prey to. Do I sometimes “neglect eternal relationships for digital distractions, diversions, and detours that have no lasting value”? I can tell you that I have frequently idled away time on the computer – purposely wasting time because I want the day to end, or because I am depressed about something, or because I can’t think of anything better to do (i.e. I am lazy). I am ashamed to admit it, but it is true.

Most of the time I spend on the computer is usually writing in this blog (studying the scriptures and writing about it), writing in our family blog (preserving our family history), working on family history, writing family members. But I spend far too much time on “virtual relationships” – even if they are good relationships. I enjoy reading a few blogs written by LDS women – women who seem to be like me – they enjoy the gospel, they enjoy writing about the gospel, and they enjoy being mothers. Elder Bednar stressed that “things [should be] experienced as they really are through the instrument of our physical body”, even, no especially, “the sincerity in the eyes of another person as testimony is shared”.  All this time I have been feeling like my time spent communicating on LDS women’s blog has been justified because I am sharing my testimony with them, and they are sharing their testimony with me – but there is something to be said about experience that testimony sharing in person, face-to-face, experiencing it through our physical bodies rather than simply our mind. I was so grateful to be able to spend time a few weeks ago (in person, with my physical body) with one of the women I look up to a lot on the blogosphere.

Because we have moved so much in the past few years, I have been keeping in contact with my friends from all the places I have lived through this virtual world. This has been good for me, but I think that I have neglected making new real friends where I am now because I am able to still connect with my old friends. I know that this has been stifling my growth – it’s just different when you have a best friend who sees you in person “as you really are.” They have a different perspective of you and they can see what you need to change and can help you with the things you really need help with.

After re-reading this talk I have decided that I am going to make a better commitment to make true, real friends in my neighborhood and in the real world so that I can experience those relationships that are so necessary for this life and for our mortal experience.

The last thought I wanted to share with you was about fidelity in virtual worlds. Elder Bednar talked about two scenarios. The first - high fidelity with a good purpose (such as flight simulators, surgical simulators, computer software that helps build safe buildings, etc) - “Such a simulation can be constructive if the fidelity is high and the purposes are good—for example, providing experience that saves lives or improves the quality of life.” Then he showed these two pictures. The one on the left is a virtual simulation of a sealing room in a temple. The picture on the right is an actual picture of that room after it was built and furnished.

The next scenario he described was high fidelity with a bad purpose – such as video games or online social networking where you start to forget “the importance of your physical body and miss the richness of person-to-person communication.” This kind of simulation “can lead to spiritual impairment and danger if the fidelity is high and the purposes are bad—such as experimenting with actions contrary to God’s commandments or enticing us to think or do things we would not otherwise think or do ‘because it is only a game.’” I have to think about that – how often do I justify behaviors or experiences because “it is only a game” or “it is only a TV show” or “it is only a movie”?

Elder Bednar also stressed the importance of personal fidelity – that is, being the same person online and offline. I have tried to be diligent in being the same person online as I am offline, but sometimes I feel like I am a better person online than offline – I mean, in my online world I know that I speak less harshly (it’s easier to control my words when I have to type them – and I can see how they come out), and I know that I am more tolerant of others in an online world than in the world around me.

Fortunately, that means I know that I am capable of being tolerant and of measuring my words – I just need to work on being that way in the real world. It isn’t enough to be that way online. I have to learn to actually be that way, which means conquering the natural man – something that is a real experience, and not a virtual one.

How has the digital world affected you and your family? How has technology blessed and enriched your life? How has it been a challenge for you? Do you remember that your body is essential for eternal progression? How do you make sure you are having real experiences? Are you working on learning how to use your body in a real way?