Of Distraction, Death, and Driving

The title of this post might sound like a PSA about distracted driving. A worthy topic, however, this post is about things of more eternal significance.

Today I was driving home from Arkansas, my childhood home state, where I attended the funeral of my beloved Aunt Shirley. This post isn't really about her, although her life would also be a worthy topic. This post is about more about how when people die we tend to remember better. Driving a long distance (5 hours) gives you a lot of time to contemplate life and the important parts of it. Especially after a funeral, and especially when you listen to General Conference talks the entire trip.

These three things together, the funeral for my aunt, the long drive, and listening to the general conference talks, allowed me to refocus and refine my life. It was a transformative five hours. Hence this essay.

My Aunt is an amazing woman. She left a wonderful legacy here on earth, and is joining an equally fantastic legacy among our ancestors in Heaven. What struck me this weekend is how easy it is to become distracted. I haven't thought a lot about my Aunt's life recently. Honestly, until she traveled to Houston to have heart surgery I hadn't really even though much about her. Not that I don't care, but I have been caught up in raising my own family, tending to my own life. Granted, many of my actions and choices are affected by the influence of my Aunt and her children, even if I am not consciously thinking about the cause and effect relationship that exists between my Aunt and my actions and choices.

As I sat with family and friends this weekend to celebrate the amazing miracle that my Aunt has been, I was reminded of so many gospel principles. The greatest principle I was reminded of was faith. My Aunt was a woman of fierce faith. When she endured radiation for Hodgkin's disease in the 70's, doctors told her that she would not be able to bear children. She said, "We'll see" and proceeded to fast and pray and fast and pray, and eventually had four amazing children who today are my heroes in every way.

My Aunt has endured several health challenges, in spite of her impeccably healthy lifestyle. She had breast cancer, diabetes, defective heart valves (all of these were most likely complications from the massive amounts of radiation she endured in the 70s). But through all of these health challenges she has maintained a patient, faithful, joyful outlook on life, and lived a life of selfless service to her children, nieces and nephews, and anyone else who cross her path. She did not make excuses, and she had good reason to make excuses.

I was humbled this weekend with a self-realization of the excuse making in which I engage. I make a lot of excuses for why this that or the other thing is hard for me to do. A lot of "if onlys"...

I always have some kind of excuse for why I don't do more than I am doing. I have an excuse for why I don't study the gospel like I did before. I make excuses for why I don't attend the temple as regularly, I have excuses for why I don't have patience with my husband and my children. Some of them are pretty good excuses.

But what I realized after this weekend is that none of them are valid excuses. There are no valid excuses.

The Savior of the world suffered body, mind, and soul so that there would have to be no excuses. Because of Him and through Him I can be more than I am, and I can do more than I can. Not because I will be amazing or I will work hard, but because through faith in Jesus Christ I can do all things.

I have been distracted from faith these past several years. Maybe the last decade. It is so easy to become distracted from the things that really matter. Faith, endurance, charity, compassion. There are so many things in life that we think are important, and then when someone dies, we have the opportunity to contemplate our lives and our choices and we realize that all of the other things do not matter and what really matters was so simple, and we tried to make it so complicated in the name of philosophy, or deep thinking, or intellectual conversation.

What really matters really is very simple. Christ taught us that. It is in the scriptures. Let's go back to the scriptures and soak up the simple brilliance of the gospel and please let us let go of all the complicated processes that distract us from what really matters.

What things have distracted you from the simple parts of the gospel? What events or things in your life help bring you back to remembrance? How do you remember things without having to go to a funeral?

My Brother Beyond the Veil

Today is my brother’s birthday.

That normally wouldn’t be significant enough to post on a public blog for the entire world – after all, you’re probably only interested in my siblings’ birthdays if you know them. But for him, it’s different.

This is my brother’s 30th birthday. That isn’t really what makes this different. What makes this birthday different is that two years ago on August 14, 2010, my brother passed away after a nine month battle with cancer. I guess the first year after someone dies every day is like their birthday. I don’t remember feeling any significantly poignant feelings on his birthday last year, but I do remember being an emotional wreck for a year after his death.

Today was hard. I woke up thinking about him. I did my yoga thinking about him. I posted on Facebook thinking about him. My sister called and we talked about him, then we talked about life. I made breakfast thinking about him. I ate breakfast thinking about him.

And I cried.

Then I texted my husband and told him we need to make a cake for my brother today. And then I decided I needed to write this post. For me. And for anyone else who feels like their opportunity to build a relationship with someone they love was cut short.

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At General Conference, Elder Richard G. Scott talked about revelation – but something slightly unrelated to revelation stuck with me from his talk. Elder Scott said,

“Relationships can be strengthened
through the veil
with people we know and love.”

I didn’t know my brother super well. He was 4 years older than me and left for college just after his junior year of high school (yup, he was that smart). I had always looked up to him, and I still do. I miss him a lot.

My first thought when we received the news that his cancer was terminal was that I wasn’t going to have the next 60-70 years to get to know him. I always imagined us siblings living til we were 100 and having family reunions and just enjoying each other. My siblings are all so very smart and it’s always a good time when we’re together.

The loss of my brother was a loss of hopes and dreams for our relationship.

So Elder Scott’s promise that our relationships can be strengthened through the veil made my ears perk up. I definitely hope that is true. I feel like it is true. I still pray for my brother, all the time, even though he is gone from this mortal life.

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Rather than write a bunch about my brother, I am just going to repost here a piece I wrote for my brother just before he passed away, a piece I never got the chance to read to him. I am going to take it to the temple with me next time I go – I always feel close to him in the temple – and read it to him in the celestial room. Do you think he would hear it?

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Ross passed away Saturday, August 14, 2010
in the presence of his wife, father, sister Christy, brother-in-law Adam,
and other friends and family.
His passing leaves a very large hole in my heart,
and I am aching with the desire
to say more, do more, and be more to and for him.

I am actually writing this on Friday, August 6, 2010.

Two weeks before it will post. (I was originally intending to post this the day I left for Seattle -which was going to be August 20.)

I’m not ready to face what is coming, and so... like anyone else, I’m denying it will happen, and pretending it won’t, until it’s too late.

Yesterday we talked with my oldest brother, Ross, on Skype.

He beat brain tumors, and swelling from a fall, and is getting stronger every day in rehab.

Meanwhile, the tumors in his chest are growing and growing.

The doctors have given him a timeline – weeks, maybe a few months. Probably more like weeks.

They gave him a choice to do some more chemo, but it won’t help, they say.

So, I’ve booked a flight to Seattle to see my brother. Probably for the last time.

I would like to tell you my story about my brother.

Ross from my perspective

Growing up, I loved my brother. I wanted to be just like him. I wanted his stuff. I wanted his friends. I wanted his talents (he is so talented!). In fact, when I started junior high – I wanted to even dress just like him. Big baggy pants and big baggy shirts (what was I thinking? I got a little smarter the next year, and realized that I could be like my brother without sacrificing fashion).

Ross played the violin. Really well. I wanted to play the violin just as well as him. So I practiced every day until my fingers were raw. I even tried to get into the BYU Music School. No one made me love music more than Ross (except maybe my mother – but he got it from her, too). Ross played the piano. Really well. I wanted to play the piano really well, too. I didn’t practice all the time. Piano and I have never really gotten along, as far as practicing-to-get-good goes. But I do enjoy playing. Then Ross learned how to play the guitar and got good. I wanted to play the guitar, too. So I practiced every now and then.

Ross is great with computers. He even taught me about RAM once when I was in high school, or maybe college. He showed me how to install new RAM in a computer. I developed a new level of admiration for my brother. He is so smart! My interest in computers at all is because of Ross. I wanted to learn some programming languages. I wanted to learn how to build my own websites. I wanted to learn how to fix computers and mess with them and stuff. I even wanted to learn how to use Linux (which I did, sort of, for a while... but then I got lazy... er, had kids).

Ross loves to read. He loves music. He loves to learn. He loves to play games (my love of European board games? From Ross). My love of reading? Ross. My intense desire to Google anything that I don’t understand? Ross. Probably the only things Ross didn’t inspire me to do is read my scriptures, pray regularly, run, and eat healthy.

That was Janie (his wife).

I hold him on this pedestal (and Janie goes right beside him on it). And I don’t think he knows that.

Really, all I want to be I want to be because of my brother. Because he is such a great example of hard work, honesty, learning, knowledge, having fun, and being a good person. I plan on telling him all these things (and more) when I get to see him in person. I hope it doesn’t sound too cliché – making amends with him as he’s dying.

I would have said these things before, but I never knew the right words to say, and I worried that he wouldn’t want to hear it. But now it doesn’t matter if he wants to hear it. There are no bridges to be burned. There won’t be another chance. If I want him to hear it, I need to tell him now.

That is my story about how much I love my brother.

Read more about my brother and my feelings about his death here.

The Miracle of the Atonement

Remember to enter the giveaway of the temple prints!

(find the talk here)

Sometimes we have to get to the depths of despair in order to experience the depths of humility necessary to partake of the atonement. Elder C. Scott Grow said, “We access the Atonement through repentance. When we repent, the Lord allows us to put the mistakes of the past behind us.” But finding our way to repentance is not always easy. Sometimes we have a lot of bitterness and anger and guilt. Finding my way to humility is usually my roadblock to repentance and partaking of the atonement – not only in my own weaknesses, but in my hurt.

“He heals not only the transgressor, but He also heals the innocent who suffer because of those transgressions. As the innocent exercise faith in the Savior and in His Atonement and forgive the transgressor, they too can be healed.” There is something required of us to be healed when we are suffering because of the sins of others – we have to forgive. “The Atonement is available to everyone all the time, no matter how large or small the sin, ‘on conditions of repentance.’” For the one who has been wronged, that repentance comes through forgiving the person we feel has wronged us. “Repent—repent, lest … your sufferings be sore—how sore you know not,how exquisite you know not, yea, how hard to bear you know not.” If we don’t come to the Lord and partake of the atonement our suffering will be so hard to bear. I find myself carrying around a lot more than I really need to be carrying around because of that lack of humility that will allow me to repent and forgive.

“As you consider your own life, are there things that you need to change?Have you made mistakes that still need to be corrected?” I know that there are things that have need to change, but getting to the depths of humility where repentance is possible can be hard, especially when there is bitterness and hurt. I know that I need to let go of the hurt and forgive so that I can be healed, and so that I can change. “Forgive those who have wronged you. Forgive yourself.” It sounds easy, but it is hard – both to forgive others and to forgive ourselves. I struggle with both sides of forgiveness – both forgiving myself and forgiving others. “When we sin, Satan tells us we are lost. In contrast, our Redeemer offers redemption to all—no matter what we have done wrong—even to you and to me.” Satan’s lies come when we deny forgiveness, too. Maybe we aren’t good enough to forgive. Maybe the person we need to forgive isn’t worth it. All these are lies. The atonement covers all sin and all pain.

Elder Grow mentioned that Christ “inherited power over physical death.That allowed Him to sustain His life as He suffered ‘even more than man can suffer, except it be unto death;’” I have always understood that the Savior had power over death and that’s why he was resurrected, but it is profound to think that the suffering that Christ endured would have caused a man to die – but Christ had power over death. He was the only one who could suffer for us.

What changes do you need to make in your life? Do you need to more freely forgive, whether yourself or another? Do you need to be more humble so that you can change things in your life? How have you allowed the atonement to work in your life? Have you come unto Christ and been healed?

The Postmortal Spirit World

(find the lesson here)

(Author's Edit 6/25/2012: I haven't read this post since I wrote it nearly a year ago, and I think that I wrote it when I was in a bad place emotionally and spiritually concerning my brother. If you've read some recent things I have posted about my brother, you'll know that his passing was really hard on me. Due to the other circumstances going on in my life around the time of his passing, I didn't really get the chance to grieve properly. So I spent most of 2011 working through all the grief. I think that I wrote this post shortly before I started going to therapy to work through some of the grief that I had bottled away, among other things. Fortunately, I don't feel this way anymore. I have also had some really great experiences that I won't share specifically, that give me a lot of hope for my brother. I am grateful for my family beyond the veil who I am sure are helping him and loving him. What a beautiful thing this doctrine is of a spirit world and of eternal families.)

The Gospel Principles manual asks this question “What comfort do you receive from your knowledge that there is life after death?” Well, let me tell you how not comforting this knowledge has been for me recently.

My oldest brother passed away just over a year ago after a fierce battle against cancer. He and his wife (both baptized members of the Church) were not married in the temple and had no desire to be affiliated with the Church in any way. My brother served a mission, but he was married shortly after he got back. My heart always longed for them to accept the gospel again and come back to the Church, but that didn’t happen. And then my brother was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer, which he fought valiantly, but in the end, the cancer won.

When my brother passed away, my heart completely broke. I love my brother and I looked up to him my entire life. I wanted to be just like him. But the thing that broke my heart the most was not knowing what would happen to him in the next life.

When someone dies in the Church, our knee-jerk reaction is to remind the grieving family about the possibility for eternal families. The problem with those “comforting words” in our situation is that they are not entire comforting. To me it is a devastating reminder of my brother’s lack of faithfulness in the gospel. I have tried to reason it away, telling myself that Heavenly Father can be the only judge, and maybe he will be lenient with my brother. Regardless of what I tell myself, the doctrine is clear.

I was reading the Book of Mormon a few months ago and this passage from Alma 34 sat on my mind like a weight:

34 Ye cannot say, when ye are brought to that awful crisis, that I will repent, that I will return to my God. Nay, ye cannot say this; for that same spirit which doth possess your bodies at the time that ye go out of this life, that same spirit will have power to possess your body in that eternal world.

35 For behold, if ye have procrastinated the day of your repentance even until death, behold, ye have become subjected to the spirit of the devil, and he doth seal you his; therefore, the Spirit of the Lord hath withdrawn from you, and hath no place in you, and the devil hath all power over you; and this is the final state of the wicked.

You can see how that scripture would not be comforting to someone like me, concerned about the spiritual welfare of my brother. I stewed over this for a few days, until I got to Alma 41 and read

3 And it is requisite with the justice of God that men should be judged according to their works; and if their works were good in this life, and the desires of their hearts were good, that they should also, at the last day, be restored unto that which is good.

If you know my brother, he was a very good person. He cared about people, he was kind, and he always sought out good things. He was not, by any standard, and “evil” person. He was a good person. And although he rejected the gospel in this life (and may reject it in the next) I have hope for him because “if their works were good… and the desires of their hearts were good… they should… be restored unto that which is good.”

When I asked my brother why he and his wife did not get married in the temple, he told me that they were not sure that the gospel was true, they didn’t believe in Christ, so they felt that it would be worse for them to get married in the temple – they felt like they would be lying. I can’t see that being anything but good. Their motives were pure, I felt.

Returning to the question about the comfort I get from a knowledge of life after death – I think that in the end, it is comforting. I know that I will be able to see my brother again. We may not be able to live together in the Celestial Kingdom, but I will be able to see him. I will be able to talk with him, walk with him, hug him. He is not lost to me.

I have always known that the Spirit world is all around us, but I seem to forget just how close it is. “Sometimes the veil between this life and the life beyond becomes very thin. Our loved ones who have passed on are not far from us.” (President Ezra Taft Benson). I believe this with all my heart, and I have experienced it. Most often in the temple, where the veil is very thin. It is comforting to know that we don’t go to some far off place when we die. We stay here, we get to be with the people we love (even if we can’t see them all the time). “President Brigham Young taught that the postmortal spirit world is on the earth, around us.”

As far as our spirits go, like Alma 34 mentioned, “Spirits carry with them from earth their attitudes of devotion or antagonism toward things of righteousness.” I would add that they may have an attitude of indifference toward things of righteousness. Although, my brother did have a devotion to many things of righteousness – he was just indifferent, I believe, toward the basic tenets of the gospel. He did love good things, and was a very kind person.

I wish that I could say I believe my brother will be in Spirit paradise – where there is “rest from all… troubles and from all care, and sorrow.” However, I am certain it is more likely that he will have to endure spirit prison (which is not necessarily a bad place – just a place of learning, and repenting, and suffering for ones sins). Since he did not accept the gospel in this life (or rejected it after he had received it) the scriptures teach that he will have to suffer for his own sins and then, “after suffering… [he] will be allowed, through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, to inherit the lowest degree of glory, which is the telestial kingdom.” But I think perhaps he will be happy there. And maybe he will get a second chance to receive the gospel in the Spirit world and be able to inherit a higher kingdom. I don’t know. Maybe some day I will know.

The lesson taught a few more interesting things about the Spirit world. The priesthood is organized the same way it is here. Also, families are still organized. This part got me upset again because President Jedediah M. Grant said “When I looked at families, there was a deficiency in some, … for I saw families that would not be permitted to come and dwell together, because they had not honored their calling here.” I know that I will see my brother again, I just don’t know if we will be permitted to dwell together. Sometimes I feel like part of that is my fault for not trying harder. But I know that it was his choice.

Spirit prison is also not a horrible place to be. “These spirits have agency and may be enticed by both good and evil. If they accept the gospel and the ordinances performed for them in the temples, they may leave spirit prison and dwell in paradise.”

It seems to me like the postmortal world is simply a continuation of this world. “Heaven” is not until after judgment. Spirit paradise and spirit prison are simply the next step. Until the judgment comes, we just continue the work we did here (and for the righteous, they will get to rest from care and sorrow – not necessarily from work).

I am grateful that I had the opportunity to study this lesson, because my mind has been filled with so much lately concerning my brother. While I am not completely comforted (I feel sorrow because of some of the things I know) I am grateful that I have a better knowledge of what will happen to him. And I do know that I will see him again – and that is a comforting thought.

What comfort do you receive from your knowledge about life after death? What things did you learn about the spirit world from reading this lesson in the manual? Do you feel the spirit world around you sometimes? Does the thought of continuing the work on the other side of the veil make you excited, or tired?