What Did I do Wrong?

The question "Why is this happening to me?" can be a soul expanding question when we ask it in humility and learn what God wants us to learn, sometimes that question can become debilitating if we ask it in shame or embarrassment or anger.

It is easy to believe that your trials come because you were faithful enough. If only I had enough faith, if only I was more obedient, if only I had a stronger testimony.

Prior to a major trial, you may have felt confident in your faith and testimony. I know that prior to my divorce I felt like I had unshakeable faith and never ending courage. In spite of the difficulties of my marriage I felt like if I pressed forward with faith my marriage could be saved and we could be happy. When that didn't happen, you can see how my faith might have been shaken.

After my divorce I constantly questioned my testimony and my faith. In fact, three years later and I am still questioning my faith and testimony. Is it strong enough? Do I really believe what I say I believe? Do I have an unshakable testimony? Do I have enough faith?

Satan wants us to believe that our faith isn't strong enough. He wants us to think our testimony isn't good enough. But those are lies.

No matter the source of our trials, whether caused by our own sin and weaknesses, the sin and weaknesses of others, or simply this fallen world, the Savior's atonement can strengthen us.

Maybe my testimony wasn't as strong as I thought it was. Maybe I don't have as much faith as I thought I had. But if I turn to the Savior during my trials my testimony and faith will be strengthened. As the father in the New Testament pled with the Savior, "Lord, help thou mine unbelief" so, too, can the Savior help strengthen our faith and testimony.

Wake Up! Don't You Know What We Have?

"Sometimes we sleepwalk on the path of discipleship." 

- Pres. Uchtdorf 

Saturday AM Session General Conference October 2016

One of those repetitive lessons that we hear over and over again is the plan of salvation. It seems like such a simple thing, such a plain truth, that it is easy to take for granted. In his Saturday morning address, President Uchtdorf explained that when people would ask about the Church he would usually start with something about the word of wisdom, or draw parallels between our beliefs and the beliefs of other religions. However, he mentioned, explaining the plan of salvation to people had the biggest impact. He said:

Some of my friends would say that this message felt familiar, even though such things were never taught in their religious upbringing. It was as if they had always known these things to be true, as if I was simply casting light on something that was always and deeply rooted in their hearts.

A few weeks ago, I came across this video - some missionaries in the Billings Montana mission rapping about the first lesson the missionaries usually teach - the lesson about the restoration and the plan of salvation. I enjoy rap in general (clean rap, which is hard to find!) but this song resonated with me in a way no other song outside of the hymnbook has ever been able to do.

I believe it is because the content is so powerful. The plan of salvation is such a powerful truth. I love President Uchtdorf's description of the plan of salvation in his talk. If you haven't read it I highly encourage you to read it. I may print it out and make a goal to read it at least once a week, even though it is so familiar to me. President Uchtdorf cautioned, "It seems to be human nature: as we become more familiar with something, even something miraculous and awe-inspiring, we lose our sense of awe and treat it as commonplace." I don't want to treat the glorious doctrine of restoration and the atonement and the gospel plan as commonplace! I want to adore it and appreciate it.

President Uchtdorf's sleepwalking comment hit me between the eyes. Do I sleepwalk on the path of discipleship? I think I have been sleeping walking for a while, and I want to wake up! Well, this is me waking up! What am I going to do to show that I am not sleepwalking? I am going to share the glorious message of the plan of salvation and the love of our Father in Heaven for us! I encourage you to do the same. Share the plan any time you can with whoever you can.

"What shall we give in return for the flood of light and truth God has poured out upon us?" (Pres. Uchtdorf)

Remember

Sometimes, when studying the gospel, I get bored of the topics I am studying. Particularly at church in Sunday School and sometimes in Relief Society. I crave something new, something deeper. I get bored with the same gospel topics every week, the same discussions, the same comments, everything the same. I have always understood the value of these repetitive lessons for those who haven't learned the lessons, those who are new to the church, and such. But only recently have I learned the true value of those lessons for me.

As I was completing a requirement for Personal Progress with my youth age daughter, I came across this scripture in 2 Peter 1

Wherefore I will not be negligent to put you always in remembrance of these things, though ye know them, and be established in the present truth.

Image Credit: LDS Media Library

What a humbling verse of scripture. Peter knew that the Saints already knew these gospel topics. He wasn't trying to teach them something new. He simply understood the principle of putting people "always in remembrance" of the things that are most important - the plain and precious, simple parts of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

As a math teacher and a musician you would think that I already clearly understood this idea.

In order to be a good mathematician, you need to be constantly reviewing the basics - if you aren't constantly using your times tables, you forget them. If you don't frequently solve equations, or factor polynomials, you won't be very good at it.

Professional musicians will agree that in order to be a good musician, you still need to practice the basics, your scales, etudes, and so on. When practicing even an advanced piece, you should stop and practice intonation, bowings, fingers and such.

This principle of remembering is so vital to everything we do in life - even walking or using a muscle. A broken arm will need to remember how the muscles move after being confined to a cast or sling for so long. It's amazing to me that I didn't full recognize the importance of this principle until much later.

It has changed my perspective of repetitive messages in Sunday School and Relief Society lessons, and even in General Conference talks. I now crave the repetition, I need it to keep me straight and keep me grounded in the gospel of Jesus Christ.

What things do you get bored of? Does the principle of remembering change your perspective?

Nearer, My God, to Thee

Image Credit: LDS Media Library

General Conference this weekend was exactly what I needed, exactly when I needed it.

Elder Ronald A. Rasband's talk really penetrated my heart. His reminder to never forget the spiritual experiences we have had struck me. When I was regularly studying the gospel, I had many spiritual experiences that I, thankfully, recorded in my journal. Lately I have been lacking in my study of the gospel, mostly because I went to grad school and spent all of my time on graduate studies. I tried to at least keep up on reading the Book of Mormon, although I didn't have much time to devote to the study of it. I just kept reading. I believe that helped me through what was a very stressful time in my life.

When I mentioned to my husband that I needed to find a time to study the gospel, he mentioned to me that I should spend my lunch period at work studying the gospel and writing in my blog. I have to pump on my lunch period because I am breastfeeding, so I am tied to my desk in my classroom. I have been having a little bit of a pity party about it the past few weeks because I like spending time in the faculty room with my colleagues, and I liked being able to take a break from work. But lately I have been working through my lunch since I am attached to my desk anyway. It is hard to stop and do something else. But this! This, studying the gospel. I can take a break from work for that!

So if you need a little lunch time pick-me-up, feel free to check out my blog around lunch time during the work week. I will likely post something every day. If it doesn't help you, at least it will be helping me!

What messages hit you the hardest during General Conference? What changes are you planning to make in your life because of what you heard? Did you notice any themes?

Naptime Epiphany

Image Credit: peasap

(I found this draft languishing on my blog dashboard and felt it needed to see the light. I wrote this about a year ago)

My two year old has (normal) autonomy issues. He only wants to do what he wants to do, and does not want anyone telling him what to do. To illustrate this point, today I told him it was time to go read in the rocking chair. He had a full on meltdown complete with kicking and screaming.

"I know it's really hard to do things that you don't want to do. But it's time for us to sit quietly and read."

kick-scream-tantrum "Le-GO! Le-GO!"

"If I let you go it will be to put you in your crib so that you can fall asleep on your own. Should I put you in your crib?"

kick-scream-tantrum "Le-GO! Le-GO!"

"Okay" I put him in his crib. "I will be right here in the rocking chair ready to hold you when you want to sit quietly." I sat down on the rocking chair next to his crib and watched as he turned beet red and tried furiously to climb out of his crib. I could tell when he realized his attempts were futile, and used the moment to offer my help.

"Would you like me to help you?"

scream-scream-scream

"Would you like me to hold you?"

calm

"I could help you get out and I could hold you in the rocking chair."

Him: "Hold you?"

So I picked him up and he snuggled right down in my arms in the rocking chair, apparently convinced that snuggling with mom in the rocking chair was better than attempting to get out of his crib while turning red in the face and screaming.

Four verses of I am a Child of God later, and he was almost out. And I felt a little wiser, because I had an epiphany.

Just as I, as a mother, did not force anything on my sweet, innocent two year old, and I did not punish him for not wanting to take a nap, Heavenly Father does not force His will on us, and He does not punish us for not abiding by His will. At the same time, He does not shield us from the natural consequences of our stubbornness and pride. He sits quietly by and waits for us to realize that our way is not ideal, so that He can quietly say, "Would you like me to help you? Would you like me to hold you?"

He wants us to want His way. He wants us to decide, on our own, that His way is better than our way (even though He has told us before). But He doesn't force us, and He doesn't punish us. He just waits for us to come around, face our fears and give up our pride so that He can bless us and give us peace.

How often do you, like a toddler, scream red-faced trying to get out of your prison? How have you learned to accept God's will and want it for yourself?

Deeply Understanding the Atonement

Note: I wrote and gave this talk a year ago on Sunday, April 20, 2014. A sister in my ward asked me for a copy, and I kept putting off typing up the edits I made to it on the stand (as I am wont to do when giving a talk). But now here it is, in the form I delivered it. I hope you enjoy it this Easter season!

In the Book of Mormon, the prophet Nephi quoted Isaiah extensively. Afterwards, he recorded his own prophecies of Christ. He gave this explanation for such a record:

“For we labor diligently to write, to persuade our children, and also our brethren, to believe in Christ, and to be reconciled to God, for we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do… and we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.”

The source for the remission of our sins is our Savior, Jesus Christ, and my purpose in this talk is to “persuade [my] children, and also [you, my] brethren [and sisters], to believe in Christ, and to be reconciled to God”, and perhaps together we can come to better remember that source, Jesus Christ.

At a literacy conference I attended last month I learned something about how we come to remember things. One of the presenters was discussing techniques to teach reading comprehension to students. She said, “Children remember what they deeply understand.” I would say this applies to all of us as well. I wasn’t looking for a gospel connection at the time, but unexpectedly found one the following Sunday during a Relief Society lesson on the sacrament.

In that week’s lesson, Joseph Fielding Smith said, “To eat in remembrance of him. Does that mean that I would just remember that nearly 2,000 years ago wicked men took him, hung him on the cross, drove nails in his hands and feet and left him there to die? To me it has a far deeper meaning than that. To remember him—why was he on the cross? What benefit comes to [me] because he was on the cross? What suffering did he go through on the cross that I might be redeemed or relieved of my sins?” To remember the Savior means more than just to remember what happened. Remembering the Savior involves striving to more deeply understand this monumental gift we have been given.

For the past few months I have been studying the atonement with a greater purpose than I have in several years. In the years since I last made a meaningful study of the atonement, I have studied various principles of the gospel, and with great fervor. However, none of that studying as changed my heart and my life as much as the past few months have. Elder Tad R. Callister explained this change in his book, The Infinite Atonement, “Every attempt to reflect upon the Atonement, to study it, to embrace it, to express appreciation for it, however small or feeble it may be, will kindle the fires of faith and work its miracle towards a more Christlike life. It is an inescapable consequence of so doing.”

I would like to share a few of the things with you that I have learned about the atonement in the past few months - probably nothing new to many of you, but maybe, like me, you put your study of the atonement on the back burner for a while as you studied other gospel topics, and so a refresher might be nice. If these concepts seem new to you, and even if they aren’t new, I challenge you to immerse yourself in a study of the atonement of Jesus Christ and see if it doesn’t change your life for the better.

One of the most life-changing principles of the atonement is that it is infinite. The word infinite probably conjures up images of eternity, or the number of grains of sand on the beach. But when we talk about the atonement being infinite, what we mean is that the atonement covers everything. The atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ is so much more far-reaching than any one of us has probably ever experienced. But I am sure that if you look in your own life you can see the atonement touching you in many different ways.

If you have repented of a serious sin, you have experienced the atonement.

If you have lost a loved one and found peace after their death, you have experienced the atonement.

If you have been given what seemed like an insurmountable task and found motivation and strength to achieve it, you have experienced the atonement.

If you have suffered at the hands of another and been able to find healing and forgiveness, you have experienced the atonement.

If you have struggled through physical ailments or infirmities and received healing, or simply the fortitude to endure, you have experienced the atonement.

If you have ached because of the injustices of this life but been given the gifts of patience and compassion, you have experienced the atonement.

If you have struggled with the idea of being perfect, feeling like you can never do enough, and felt that burden of perfection lifted as you took upon you the Savior’s yoke, you have experienced the atonement.

I hope you can see the connection between all of these situations, even though they may not seem to have much in common. Committing a sin may seem different than suffering at the hands of an abuser, but the underlying theme is the healing, peace, and perfection that can come through the atonement of Jesus Christ.

In the New Testament is recorded a story about a young ruler who came to the Savior asking what he could do. The young man asked the Savior, “Good Master, what good thing shall I do, that I may have eternal life?” The Savior proceeded to list the ten commandments, to which the young man, apparently free of any major sins, responded, “All these things have I kept from my youth up: what lack I yet?” Of course, when the Savior responded with the higher laws of consecration and discipleship, the young man either decided that he didn’t have what it takes or he didn’t have the desire to make that kind of commitment, and so he left, sorrowful.

This young man had kept all of the commandments from his youth until the day he questioned the Savior. To me it appears that he had not committed any grievous sins, and had lived a reasonably good life. This young man had probably never needed to confess a sin to his bishop and work through the painful process of repentance for a serious transgression. But the atonement is so much more than just a tool for the abandonment of serious sin.

General Relief Society President Linda K. Burton taught, “Like the rich young man in Jesus’ day, sometimes we are tempted to give up or turn back because maybe we think we can’t do it alone. And we are right! We cannot do the difficult things we have been asked to do without help. Help comes through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, the guidance of the holy Ghost, and the helping hands of others.”

The atonement is the source of power that allows us to “do all things”, as the apostle Paul wrote, “through Christ who strengtheneth [us].” The atonement of Jesus Christ can give us strength to do those things that seem impossible to do. Former Relief Society president Sheri Dew said, “Our responsibility is to learn to draw upon the power of the Atonement. Otherwise we walk through mortality relying solely on our own strength. And to do that is to invite the frustration of failure and to refuse the most resplendent gift in time or eternity. “For what doth it profit a man if a gift is bestowed … and he receive not the gift?””
We must learn to access the atonement if we want to receive power to “do all things” and “be perfect.”
But what about if we aren’t quite where the young ruler was yet? What if we aren’t ready to say, “What lack I yet?” because we are caught up in sin? What if we were once like the young ruler, able to say that we have kept the commandments from our youth, but today we have stumbled and fallen and now feel as if our perfect record has been tarnished?

Former General Relief Society president Julie B. Beck said, “Everyone makes mistakes… I often hear about the chosen, royal generation of this dispensation, but I have never heard it called the perfect generation. Teenagers are especially vulnerable because the power of Satan is real, and they are making their first big, independent choices. Consequently, they are also making their first big mistakes.”

First, do not despair. Isaiah wrote, “Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.” If you have ever spilled red punch on a white blouse, you know how hard it is to get those red stains out of that white cloth. More often than not, the white clothing is tarnished forever and good for nothing but a rag. Our lives are much more precious to God than a piece of clothing, and He has given us the ultimate stain remover. The atonement of Jesus Christ can surely erase those sins and cleanse our souls so that not only are we white again, but we can be even better than before. The only barrier between our crimson present and our pure white future is true repentance.

President Beck taught, “We are commanded to repent. The Savior taught that unless we repent and “become as a little child, … [we] can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God.” We must not let one little cup of coffee, one bad habit, one bad choice, one wrong decision derail us for a lifetime.” When we take a step off the path, we must not let despair or feelings of failure keep us from continuing to step forward and allowing the atonement of Jesus Christ to change our very nature.

The repentance process can change us in a very real way, but true repentance requires us to really gain a deeper understanding of the atonement. True repentance cannot be reduced to a process with steps that we simply check off as we proceed through them. Teaching a five step process to children is useful, but later insufficient for us to develop the understanding of the atonement that we will need in order to truly change. Elder Callister describes repentance as “a melting, softening, refining process that brings about a mighty change of heart… It is a burning resolve to make amends with God at any cost.”

But even with that burning resolve, President Beck explained that, “It is not possible to make real change all by ourselves. Our own willpower and our own good intentions are not enough. When we make mistakes or choose poorly, we must have the help of our Savior to get back on track. We partake of the sacrament week after week to show our faith in His power to change us. We confess our sins and promise to forsake them.” We cannot change on our own. All the burning resolve in the world will not change us if we do not allow the atonement to change us. Elder Callister taught that the power of the atonement is key to that change, (quote) “If there were no atonement, there would be no opportunity to repent. Men might feel sorrow; they might change their behavior within certain parameters; but no divine rehabilitation process would be in operation. Simply stated, without the atonement, there would be no cleansing of the sinner’s soul regardless of any actions on his part.” (close quote)

We need the atonement in order to truly change and become more than we are, better than we were yesterday.

So how do we allow the atonement to change us, to change our lives? Whether we are seeking purification from a transgression, or healing for a wounded heart, or strength to become perfect through Christ, the power of the atonement can help us, if we can only figure out how to access that power.

I suggest that the key to accessing the power of the atonement is through studying the atonement. It seems like such a simple thing, to study the atonement of Jesus Christ - but the doctrine of the atonement is more complicated than one family home evening lesson, one Sunday school lesson, one Conference talk, or one read through of the Book of Mormon can unravel. There is a depth and breadth to the atonement of Jesus Christ that we will only come to understand as we make the atonement a focus of our regular gospel study. The prophet Joseph Smith taught, “The fundamental principles of our religion are the testimony of the Apostles and Prophets, concerning Jesus Christ, that He died, was buried, and rose again the third day, and ascended into heaven; and all other things which pertain to our religion are only appendages to it.” Because the atonement of Jesus Christ is the central doctrine of His gospel, a study of that atonement can change our lives more than a study of any other gospel doctrine will change our lives. Elder Callister wrote, “As our vision of the atonement is enhanced, our motivation to embrace its full effects is proportionally increased.” An understanding of the atonement inspires us to live the gospel more fully. President Howard W. Hunter gave this promise, “As we come to understand [Christ’s] mission and the atonement which He wrought, we will desire to be more like him.” and Elder Neal A. Maxwell testified, “The more we know of Jesus’ Atonement, the more we will humbly and gladly glorify Him, His Atonement, and His character.”

If you aren’t convinced that a deep understanding of the atonement can change our hearts and our lives, let me leave you with an example of such a change. In Mosiah chapters 3 and 4 we find one of the most beautiful discourses on the atonement. King Benjamin taught his people about the atonement of Jesus Christ, about his life, suffering, death, and resurrection. After hearing King Benjamin’s teachings and testimony, his people shouted, “Yea, we believe all the words which thou hast spoken unto us; and also, we know of their surety and truth, because of the Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, which has wrought a mighty change in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually.”

King Benjamin’s discourse brought the spirit into the lives of the people, and their hearts were changed by the power of his words and testimony. The evidence of their change of heart was that they had “no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually.” We will find this evidence in our own lives as we study the atonement of Jesus Christ and come to more deeply understand that central doctrine of the gospel, is my testimony.

I Want To Understand

In conversations about the temple, particularly first temple experiences, at least one person mentions how awkward or strange they found their first temple experience to be.

I have been thinking about this as I have been studying the temple covenants and rituals in the Book of Exodus in the Old Testament. As I read the words of the scriptures my mind turned back to my first temple experience. I didn't understand everything - I still don't - but I remember having a fierce testimony of the importance of the temple before I even went for the first time. I knew that whatever was going to happen in the temple was going to be what needed to happen, and that I would certainly learn things - which is what I always expected I would do in the temple - learn new things.

So I think that there are two keys to a good first temple experience:

1.) A strong foundational testimony of the importance of the temple

and

2.) A strong desire to learn something new every day, an open mind, an attitude that if something seems strange it's probably because you don't understand it completely.

What do you think are the important aspects of preparing for a good first experience in the temple?

Heard It All Before

I have posted before about inoculation - the idea of exposing members of the church to all of the possibly critical positions people might hold toward the church, and all of the less - appealing aspects of church history. There has been much discussion about whether or not it should be the church's responsibility to inoculate it's members again such question - raising topics.

On a slightly related note, I was reading in Alma 30 tonight about Korihor and as I read his arguments against God and Christ and the gospel I couldn't help thinking, "These are all of the same anti-religon arguments you hear today!"

And then the thought struck me. This isn't the only place in scripture where debates between believers and doubters is recorded. If we have studied the scriptures, particularly the Book of Mormon, we will be so familiar with this line of doubt and questioning that we will simply be able to wave our hands at those who would tear down our faith and simply say, "Pooh,  pooh - been there, done that, got the tshirt."

The best inoculation we can give our children is probably a love of the gospel and of the Book of Mormon and a deep understanding of those two things rather than a superficial familiarity with them. If we can help our children develop a deep love for and understanding of the Book of Mormon, all the naysayers in the world won't be able to sway our children from their testimony of the true and living gospel.

What real-life events has the Book of Mormon prepared you for? How do you feel the Book of Mormon has strengthened your testimony such that it cannot be shaken and you are not tossed to and fro by every wind of doctrine?

I Didn't Have Time to Get Anything Done

When teacher in-service started a few weeks ago I felt a sudden panic. I had so much to do, and so little time. Between six kids and a husband working grave shift, I felt like there weren't enough hours in the day to get everything done. I started teaching school and every day I felt like I was just barely keeping my head above water.

One day, maybe during the second week of school, I was driving home from work, exhausted. I was feeling as if I didn't have enough prep time to get ready for each day, plus grade papers and get my classroom put together (which I hadn't finished doing before school started). I caught myself thinking, "I spend so much time teaching, I just don't have any time to get anything done!"

I couldn't help myself, I started laughing. All alone in my car on the way home from work I dissolved into side-splitting laughter.

I don't have time to get anything done because I am teaching all day... 

That got me thinking about all the things that we put on a "to do" list. What truly important things can we put on a to do list?

You might think that you can put important things on a to do list, like "read scriptures" and "pray". Maybe you could put those on a to do list and check them off.

But what about things like, "Love your children." "Teach your children." Can you ever check those off of a to do list?

At the end of a day full of teaching, what could I put on my "done" list? To me it feels like I did the same thing over and over again all day - I have six classes of seventh graders. But when I really ponder what I am doing each day, and I think back to the interactions I have had with individual students that day, I realize the impact that I am having on each of my students and suddenly it feels less repetitive. Sure, I might feel like a broken record, but to each of my students, sitting in my class is a brand new experience every day - I am creating a learning experience for each student, each day.

No longer am I going to feel like I couldn't get anything done because I was teaching. Teaching is the most important thing that I got "done" that day.

Intentional About Everything

You would probably never peg me as an "overprotective" mom. I don't keep my kids in a bubble, and I don't keep them out of trees or off the roofs of chicken coops.

But when it comes to my home, I am like a lioness at the gate. I am very particular about what does and does not come in my home. Don't get me wrong, my kids know about drugs, alcohol, child abuse, sex, and all sorts of other "worldly" things. I'm not raising them to be prudes, but believe you me I am protecting those innocent souls as much as I possibly can. Those things they know about because I intentionally taught my children about those things (in most situations before they learned about them elsewhere, but occasionally because they had learned about them somewhere else).

I have been thinking a lot lately about my tendency to be fiercely protective of the sanctity of my home. It might seem overboard to some people, but when you know Satan as intimately as I do, you know that he cannot be trusted. Not even a fraction of an inch. When the purity of my family is at stake, I take no chances.

President Julie B. Beck said it best:

We know that we are involved in God’s work every day, and that changes everything. It changes the way we think. It changes our decisions. It changes the way we dress. It changes the way we talk. It changes the way we live. We have the responsibility and the challenge from the prophet to believe deeply and actively in the family. We will need to do that in order to preserve our families. That means we have to be intentional about everything we do. Our life is not just happenstance. We know where we are going and what we have to do. 

It is my goal to be intentional about everything I do, especially motherhood. I leave nothing to chance.

Where Two or Three are Gathered

A few weeks ago my 12 year old step daughter said to my husband and me, "What if I like my mom's church more than our church?"

I tried not to freak out too much. This was coming from a wonderful young woman who, I thought, had a rock solid testimony of the gospel.

So rather than freak out, I asked questions. I asked what she liked about her mom's church, what she felt like there, and some other questions to help me figure out just what she was saying.

We ended up talking for several hours about the gospel, about what it means to be Christian, and about what makes the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Jesus Christ's restored church on the earth.

At some point in the conversation a scripture popped into my mind where the Savior had said (this is the paraphrased version that popped into my head), "Where two or three are gathered in my name, the Spirit will be there." (the actual text is in Matthew 18:20 and says, "For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.") I shared this scripture with my step daughter, hoping that it would help her see that you can feel the spirit in a lot of different places, not just on Sundays in sacrament meeting, or not just when you are reading the Book of Mormon or listening to General Conference.

This conversation with my daughter got me really thinking about what makes the Church true. I believe that there are many many good Christians and some fantastic churches that do a lot of good in the world. So what does the LDS Church have that is different?

My answer? The priesthood authority of Jesus Christ to act in His name and do what He would do if He were on the earth (and everything that comes through that authority - prophets, apostles, temples, etc).

I am glad my children are asking these kinds of questions and I hope and pray that I can guide them through their soul searching. I worry every day that I will say or do something wrong or miss an opportunity to guide them or influence them.

But then I remember that the atonement is infinite, and I try to remember that no matter what I do, Christ is more powerful than I and His atonement will cover everything I can't do.

Change Your Life

There are a lot of things I don't know yet. And it seems the more I study, the more I realize I don't know. But I am trying to learn and study and grow. For the past several years I have done a lot of gospel studying. Mostly I have been studying about womanhood and what it means to be a woman and what my place and my responsibilities are as a mother.

But then a few weeks ago I was asked to give a talk on Easter Sunday (today) on the atonement. I put a lot of my other studies on hold to do an in depth study of the atonement and what I found was remarkable. My life changed. My attitudes, actions, my ability to receive revelation, everything changed. I was given more strength to do the impossible (and with a full time job, a husband, and six kids twelve and under it seems like every day is impossible!). It took me a while to figure out what had changed, but then I was writing my talk and I realized that studying the atonement of Jesus Christ is the single most important thing that changed my life.

From now on in my study of gospel topics I am looking for the connections to the atonement. What does the atonement teach me about my purpose as a woman?

There is a power that comes from studying the atonement, and I hope that putting the atonement at the center of my other studies will help me better understand those other studies.

(by the way, Elder Callister's book is a fantastic place to start your study of the atonement!)

Do you notice a change in your life when you study the atonement? How does the atonement help you understand other gospel topics that you study?

Patience and Healing

As part of my therapy I am studying the concept of patience. A lot of my anxiety and frustration comes from a lack of patience.

I have always thought of myself as a relatively patient person - people don't easily annoy me, even children's "annoyances" don't usually bother me (you know, kids kicking the back of your seat in the car type annoyances). I patiently endured a lot of adversity in my marriage, hoping and hoping things would get better.

But when it comes to myself - my progression, mistakes I make, and my life goals and plans, I have little patience. I feel like I should work harder and faster and if only I would work a little harder I could progress faster.

Healing from my past experiences has been one of these things. I want the healing, and I want it now. It's not that I want a magic wand to wave and make everything perfect. I just wish that there was a way I could do something to fix things right away.

I have been looking up scriptures about patience and stumbled across this one today:




Okay, okay, I get the point. My pride is what makes me want to fix everything on my own, as fast as possible. Sometimes God wants to teach us something and mold us, and we just have to wait for that healing and change to take place.

I have realized that rather than relying on the atonement to cover my sins, I want to pay for them myself. Who does that?! Wouldn't most people jump at the chance to have someone else suffer for them? I think my problem is that I would rather suffer all at once and have it be done. But that isn't the way repentance works. We don't get to be beat with a few stripes (or even a dozen or a hundred or a thousand) and be forgiven. We can't suffer for our own sins and allow the Savior to heal us with the atonement. It's one or the other.

And allowing the Savior to heal us takes humility. And patience. And I am learning to do that.

Slowly. But I am learning.


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Divorce and Family

I love learning about motherhood and the family, and my testimony of eternal families and the importance and benefit of a strong nuclear family unit is one of the reasons divorce was such a hard decision for me.

In October 2013
General Conference, Elder D Todd Christofferson (quickly becoming one of my favorite general authorities - if having favorites is allowed) said,

A woman's moral influence is nowhere more powerfully felt or more beneficially employed than in the home. There is no better setting for rearing the rising generation than the traditional family, where a father and a mother work in harmony to provide for, teach, and nurture their children.

This would have been lemon juice in a paper cut if it wasn't for the next statement:

Where this ideal does not exist, people strive to duplicate it's benefits as best they can in their particular circumstances.

Yes! I can strive to duplicate the benefits of a traditional family! However, in order to do that, I need to know what the benefits are, and how to duplicate them. So that is my quest as a mother of a blended family - to create the benefits of a traditional family for my non-traditional family.




The most influential doctrine that will make this quest possible is the atonement of Jesus Christ. His eternal and universal atonement can and will cover all the gaps between what should be, and what is.

Isn't that what we expect the atonement to do in our personal lives? Then why not in the lives of our children? Can the atonement help my children experience the benefits of a traditional family, even though the family they are a part of now doesn't meet that ideal?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

An Eventful Year - Revelation and the Lord's Timing

I don't usually post "Year in Review" type blog posts. However, I was reading my New Years' post from 2012 in which I wrote that 2011 and been "the best of times and the worst of times". Perhaps that statement could sum up life in general, because 2013 definitely fits that same description.

I'm sure you have all been missing me, dear readers. And I just want to warn you that this is not me "coming back" really. I hope to be back eventually, and I imagine the summers will be better, but life has thrown me a few curve balls.

In 2013, I had five major life events: birth of a child, starting school, divorce, new job, and remarriage.

Birth of a Child

There are so many thoughts and feeling that are rushing around inside of me about the birth of my second son. His birth was amazing and spiritual and perfect and wonderful and everything I wanted it to be.Heather, from Women in the Scriptures, was my doula - and she was an amazing doula. She will deny it up and down, but I regard Heather as a spiritual giant. I feel like the labor and delivery went so well because she was there, with her faith and her knowledge and her testimony, I could just feel the power of God around me and with me. And if not from Heather, then from what she has taught me about the priesthood and womanhood and motherhood through the past several years, both on her blog and in personal conversations. She is an amazing woman.

Starting School

I felt inspired this year that I should go back to school to finish the few courses I need to qualify for a teaching license. Although I have a bachelor's degree in Math, I don't have a teaching license, and I had been feeling something nagging at me to get my license and teach. Because I was married to a soldier I didn't know how much time I would have in any one place, so I figured that I needed my education to be as portable as possible. So in May I applied to an online university to finish my teacher prep courses. Because of the next major life event, I am so grateful that I listened to the prompting to go back to school and prepare to be a teacher.

Getting a Divorce

This is probably the longest story, and I am not going to tell it all right here, right now (but you can read my emotions about a lot of it in my previous posts about my faith crumbling through adversity and trials). Suffice it to say that when I was scared to death (literally) of leaving my marriage, when I thought it would be better to be dead that divorced, when I argued with Heavenly Father, wondering why He would ask me to do something I knew was against His plan, when my faith seemed to be threadbare, something happened. I got strength from a place I had forgotten about, and somehow, I got out.

And there I was, hurting, broken, but feeling like I had burst out of a dark prison.

I felt like my life had crumbled around me, but God gave me a vision of what my new life could be if I would just cling to Him. And that is what I have been doing.

Starting a New Job

Due to the previous major life event, I needed to get a job so I could provide for my family. I submitted applications for a job on Monday in between filling out divorce papers. I filed for divorce on Tuesday, interviewed for a job on Friday, and was offered the job on Tuesday of the next week. A full time job teaching math at a middle school in a nice neighborhood about 10 minutes from my house. My good friend was looking for a job and is a fantastic mother and I asked and she offered to be our day care practically at the same moment. It was meant to be.

However, my first paycheck wasn't going to come until late September. Because I had started school I had just received some student loan funds. Between the student loans and my amazing ward I was able to make it to September with money to spare. Heavenly Father is watching out for me.

Getting Remarried
This story is probably longer than the divorce story, but I am pretty sure it can be summed up in two principles: receiving and understanding personal revelation (which I wrote about here) and the Lord's timing is not always our timing - which the Stake President mentioned in that blessing.

Did you know that "in due time" doesn't necessarily mean "in a loooong time"? That's what I thought when the Stake President promised me that I would experience the joy of marriage again and followed that promise up with "in due time" which he repeated! I was thinking "so, I'll get married again in a really really really long time. Imagine my surprise when I met my new husband and three days later Heavenly Father informed me that he would be my new husband. Come to find out "in due time" means "at the appropriate time" - which apparently is 3 months after a divorce (for me). Who knew? It didn't take my husband long to receive the same revelation, so then the only question was "when"? We prayed about it and I felt inspired that we should pick a date and take it to Heavenly Father for approval. We looked at my calendar (being a teacher I don't get a lot of time off work) and picked a date mid-January. After a few days I had a nagging feeling that it wasn't soon enough. So we thought "After Christmas would be great". Nope, wrong again. Finally we picked the day before Thanksgiving (which at this point was about a month away). Yep. It felt right. We talked to my bishop, we talked to my parents, we talked to his parents, we told our kids (six of them altogether!), and it happened! So yeah, it all boils down to receiving and understanding revelation and the Lord's timing is not always our timing.

So now you know where I have been for the last 6-12 months. Going through a painful divorce, starting school and a job, and getting remarried to a wonderful man who loves God with all of his heart, might, mind and strength, with me as a close second.

I hope to be able to write more often, but don't hold your breath. Of course, now that I have "come out" and you all know my little secrets, it will be easier for me to write. I always like being open and "real" on my blog, and I feel like I have been lying the past year or so because my marriage was so awful. So, comment on here and tell me you're still reading and I will try to post more often. If no one cares that I was gone I will probably just post whenever it happens (which might not be very often!).

What lessons did you learn last year?

When I Am Baptized Clarinet/Flute/Violin Obligato

A clarinet obbligato I arranged for our ward primary program. Please feel free to use at will for personal or church us. Please do not remove my name from the arrangement, and don't sell my arrangement.

Below you will find links to PDF copies of sheet music for both the clarinet version and the flute/violin/other C instrument version.

Update 1/3/2014: Sorry for the delay in getting the PDFs up! They are up and accessible now!

When I Am Baptized - C Instrument Obligato (for flute or violin)

When I Am Baptized - Clarinet Obligato (for Bb Clarinet)

Other instruments available upon request.

Can Ye Feel So Now?

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of personal inspiration for me. After going through a time in my life when I felt cut off from God, when I wondered where He was hiding from me (and why) this has felt a little like the spring snow melt rushing down the rivers from the mountains, cleansing the rivers from the stagnant waters of the summer and winter months.

It started a few weeks ago when I started attending an institute class. The title of the class is "Receiving and Understanding Personal Revelation. I am going to admit that I didn't get much out of the first class. I felt like a zombie during the class - I hadn't slept at all the two nights before that, and had just started teaching school two days before. But the second week I was more rested, and ready to learn - and what I learned changed my life. Very quickly.

Brother Casaday, our instructor, led a fantastic discussion about the different parts of testimony. We read Doctrine and Covenants section 8 verse 2 which talks about how the Holy Ghost affects us in our minds and in our hearts and came up with three aspects of testimony - KNOW, FEEL, DO.

As I sat in class, pondering this concept, I thought about my own status in each of the aspects.

Do I know the Church is true? Absolutely. Always have, probably always will. I just know. I think it is one of my spiritual gifts. ("To some it is given by the Holy Ghost to know that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, and that he was crucified for the sins of the world." D&C 46:13) I definitely claim it as a gift, because I don't think that I did anything to deserve this knowledge, and I don't think I have been more pious than others who perhaps don't have this knowledge. I simply know. Like I know I exist. It's that clear to me, and no one could ever convince me that it isn't true.

Do I DO? Do I live the gospel? Yes! Not perfectly, but I consider myself someone who actively lives the gospel - I serve others, I keep my covenants, I rely on the atonement for repentance when I mess up, and to heal me when I am wounded. And when I fall short (because I do) I understand that tomorrow is a new day and I can try again. I consider that living the gospel.

Do I feel the Holy Ghost? Rather than being discouraged that the answer was "No" I actually almost jumped out of my chair. I figured it out! The reason I have been feeling so separated from God is because I don't feel it anymore! I know the gospel is true and I live it, but for some reason I couldn't feel it anymore.

But then came the hard part. How do I feel again? I shared my dilemma with a few friends who know what my personal situation has been for the past several years. Sometimes you just need outside eyes to tell you something that might be hard to see from the inside. One friend said:

When you've experienced a lot of spiritual trauma, there is a period of time needed for your spirit to heal. I liken it to the period of recovery time needed after every long run you take in preparation for a marathon.

My sense from what I know of you and what you've shown of your testimony is that what you've been dealing with the past few years has stretched and broken you down and that you're now in that "recovery" period where you are rebuilding your spiritual and emotional muscles again, stronger than they were before.

As I read this friend's words I realized what she was saying was absolutely true. In the past few years of spiritual trauma I have been working so hard to shut down my emotions and feelings to protect myself form a lot of hurt I experienced. I unintentionally made myself numb not only to the pain, but also to the joy of the gospel.

And so I figured I should start on a journey to feel again.

I started praying more fervently, studying the Book of Mormon more purposefully, and trying to figure out how to un-numb myself. I figured it was going to be a long process, and I didn't expect to be fully back to feeling for months, maybe even years.

Then last week a call came from my bishop, saying the Stake President would like to meet with me. I was a little surprised, I wasn't aware he knew my situation, although thinking about it now it's obvious that the bishop would have informed him. But mostly I was excited and a little nervous. But when President Edwards and one of the counselors in our bishopric walked into my home that Wednesday evening (four days ago now) I just felt peace. After a brief visit, President Edwards said he felt prompted to ask me when the last time was that I had a priesthood blessing. I couldn't even tell him when the last time had been. I told him I would love for him to give me a blessing, and he did. There was a lot in that blessing, but the part that is relevant to this post was the feeling of warmth that washed over me and seemed to melt the block of ice I had placed around my heart. The sensation of emotion coming back to me was immediate and overwhelming, and I couldn't stop the sobs that came from my body. For the first time in years, the sobbing was not from pain or hurt or anguish, but rather from joy and peace and comfort.

Since that night my life has been different. My spirit is rejuvenated, my testimony is strong, I feel peace and joy and hope every day - feel it, not just know it!

I know not everyone who perhaps struggles with a loss of feeling will have the same experience I had - perhaps for you it will be more gradual. But it is possible to have that feeling back - I believe it. I know it. The atonement of Jesus Christ covers all pain.

If ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now? (Alma 5:26)

I Was One of Them - Ephraim's Rescue

I just got back from a screening of Ephraim's Rescue. I tell you what - wow. I don't remember a movie that was so well made and so touching since Legacy and The Testaments. Honestly, I was a little skeptical because I had watched 17 Miracles a few weeks ago and I didn't have the best experience. That's not to say the stories weren't incredible (my husband's ancestor, Ann Jewel, was in the film), but the film was hard to follow because of all the individual stories with no real common thread tying them all together. I wondered if Ephraim's Rescue would be similar.

I was pleasantly surprised with the film. I laughed, cried, pondered, believed. The music was fantastic, and the script was clever. There are two separate story lines, but they end up converging at the end in a glorious finish.

My favorite thing about this film is that it shows how two ordinary men with great human weaknesses become great tools in the hand of the Lord. Of course, He has told us that he will "show forth [his] wisdom through the weak things of the earth." The story of Ephraim Hanks is an amazing example of that promise from the Lord.

There is a line at the end of the movie where Ephraim comments that there were many on those plains that needed rescuing, and, he says, "I was one of them."

Today, after watching that movie, I felt like I was one of them, too.

Indeed, I think I was rescued, too.

The film comes out in theaters on May 31. It's definitely worth seeing. The people who worked on the film are great people and media like this definitely deserves our support.

Heavenly Mother at Real Intent

Anath sepulchral stela, Encyclopaedia Britannica

Have you ever wondered about Heavenly Mother?

Well, head on over to my post today at Real Intent and join our discussion about her. It's been lively so far, and very enlightening.

Truth Eternal Tells Me I've a Mother There

If you have questions about how to separate culture and doctrine submit a question here or over at Real Intent and we'll try to do a little research to get you started finding answers.

GCBC Week 6: "This is my Work and my Glory"

Image Credit: NASA Goddard Photo and Video

A lot of thoughts came to me as I read through Elder Ballard's talk. I love talks about the Priesthood power. That power is very significant in my life and my spirituality. I have a lot of thoughts tossing around now, but I think they deserve a little more thought and study and then their own blog post. I am also excited to watch and study the new worldwide leadership training video Elder Ballard referenced in his talk (you can view or download it here)

What were your thoughts about Elder Ballard's talk?

“This Is My Work and Glory” - Elder M. Russell Ballard

If you are new to General Conference Book Club, click here to find out more. The basic idea is to study one General Conference talk each week between April conference and October conference, and to chat about the talk here in the comment section. You can also link up (using the linky tool below) to your own blog post about this talk. The link up will be open until I post the next week's talk, but if you study this talk later and missed the link up, feel free to post your link in the comment section.